Friday, February 03, 2017

Flashback Friday: Dilation Edition

There are very few things more acutely painful than having your eyes dilated. Aside from stepping outside in the snow afterward, where every ray of the sun glints off every facet of every crystal of every snowflake straight into your already tightly painful eyes and right through to your nervous system where they not-later-on-at-all conspire to make you flail and curse blindly at the very winter wonderland you're walking in.
But you do get a complimentary roll of cheap brown plastic that's supposed to function as dark sunglasses until the screamingly painful swollen nursing breasts that used to be your eyeballs finally sink back into your skull. And when you get home, they -- the cheap roll-up sunglasses, not the circus-freak eye breasts -- make for endlessly funny pictures, as long as your cat is cooperative and sits still.
So the important takeaways from this vital PSA are:
1) Get your eyes dilated only in the summer and only at midnight.
2) But make sure your ophthalmologist isn't a vampire first.
3) Ophthalmologist is difficult but -- once you learn it -- eternally fun to spell.
4) Practice it once now: ophthalmologist!
5) Breasts is the polite, mature way to say boobs.
6) Lightly sedate your cat the moment you get home but only to the point that she'll sit cooperatively still.
7) Make sure the pictures you take are funny, which by their nature they're guaranteed to be but I'm just including this takeaway to help make sure I get to 10.
8) Also make sure those pictures successfully travel to each new camera phone you buy so you don't have to search and scroll in vain on your current one only to collapse in heartbreaking defeat when you need them to merrily illustrate a Facebook memory in 2017.
9) Do you think I can make this list go all the way to 10?
10) Yep.

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