1. Those clothing anti-theft devices that say they’re full of dye aren’t lying.
2. Those clothing anti-theft devices that are full of dye can crack open right in the clothing-anti-theft-device removers that the clerks use at checkout.
3. They’re designed to explode when they crack.
4. (The devices, not the clerks.)
5. When they explode, the dye goes everywhere.
7. The dye is blood-curdling red.
8. When a clerk splatters herself with exploded blood-curdling red dye all over her hands and her face and her front, she will apologize profusely to you.
9. You will not know how to respond to these incongruous apologies as this situation is chronically unaddressed in shopping-etiquette manuals.
10. But you’ll have to say SOMETHING in response to all that warrantless apologizing.
11. Even though you know absolutely zero injuries were sustained in the exploding-dye incident, your response instinct will be to say one thing and one thing only.
12. That one thing will be “I’m just glad you’re not hurt.”
13. This will serve only to make the situation somehow worse.
14. But it doesn’t end there.
15. Because when you leave the store with your purchases that WEREN’T ruined with blood-curdling red dye, you will also compulsively say “I hope you feel better.”