To leave a callback number, press one.
To leave a hollaback number, press two.
To page this person, press star and say jones.
To contact your local animal shelter, press pound. GET IT? POUND!
To hear how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop, press three.
To hear what two times two equals, press four.
To tear down that bitch of a bearing wall and put a window where it ought to be, press five.
To learn how to whip up a nice meringue, press six.
To contact the devil and his unholy minions, press six, six, six, and say "I summon thee" five times and you will be connected directly to
For good luck, press seven.
To hear a song about using the telephone, press or say eight, six, seven, five, three, oh, nine.
To hear more options, press nine, followed by the 10-digit Fibonacci sequence from The Da Vinci Code.
To speak to an operator, press … oh, whom am I kidding? You’ll never speak to an operator! I can’t believe I even thought I could get through that with a straight face. Ha! I crack me up!
When you have finished your call, you may hang up or press one for more options. Or maybe it’s two. Or three. Definitely three. I think.
If you have forgotten whom you called in the first place, please hang up, recharge your phone and press the redial button.