Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Flashback Tuesday: Finally Legal Edition

My sex appeal predates Annie 2: Miss Hannigan's Revenge, said no sexy person ever.
I’m not sure what’s most disturbing about this picture: the bar mitzvah clown smile, the Disney villain eyes, the dinner-plate glasses, the scarecrow neck, the weird-ass way I wore my watch on the inside of my wrist or the pink-on-white shirt that hung on me with all the sex appeal of a Mayan burial gown on an immolated corpse. The girls on my floor (Loser alert! I was living in the Foreign Language House, a co-ed dorm filled with language dorks who stayed in on Friday nights studying verb declensions!) had decorated my door with pink 21s. Probably to match the shirt. Or the homosexuality. I’m not sure where I got the wine, but I am sure I had only a sip of it to celebrate reaching such a milestone age. Because actually drinking a whole glass of alcohol on my 21st birthday would have been something the cool kids would do.

Gratuitous 49th birthday gym selfie


Sunday, April 16, 2017

Have your cake and fucking choke on it

I'm sorry but I'm not done being furious and appalled and repulsed by our man-boy president's "most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you've ever seen" information-prioritization aberrancy last week.

Why on earth would he even think the aesthetic details of his dessert were newsworthy enough to bring up in a high-profile interview about a massive, deadly airstrike that could potentially precipitate a global war?

He seemed completely oblivious to the embarrassment he should have felt admitting that not only was he not in a lengthy, morally and sociopolitically anguishing situation briefing when it happened but also to the emasculating (for someone who's struggled his entire life and then through his unseemly campaign to build his personal brand on a foundation of masculine business ruthlessness and sexual infidelity and assault) embarrassment that he didn't even make the decision to authorize the airstrike before it happened and he learned about it only during a leisurely, diplomatically mortifying dinner after the fact.

He wasn't even embarrassed that he couldn't name the country he let his generals decide when and where to bomb.

Despite obvious conversation topics ranging from humanitarian concerns to hasty retaliation to arms proliferation to the escalation of aggression to minimizing civilian casualties to the reasons he wasn't directly involved in the strategies and the considerations and the very execution of the airstrike, he chose to tell the national news about ... what his cake looked like.

When I was new in advertising and didn't know enough to research and prepare for any possible question on any product- or industry-related topic a client might bring up during multimillion-dollar campaign or strategy pitches, I learned after only ONE mortifying and thankfully not account-destroying desperately-babbling-about-anything-I-could-think-of answer that I drooled out in front of two layers of my bosses and probably four layers of client hierarchy to a completely obvious and to-anyone-else-expected question that I ALWAYS NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON WITH A PROJECT AND IN WHAT ORDER OF IMPORTANCE IT ALL FALLS when I talked to anyone outside my office. Man-boy clearly has neither the capacity for embarrassment over his intellectual and educational failings nor the interest in making any effort to overcome them. It's like the man playing our president has suddenly fallen ill and his handlers have desperately thrown a babbling toddler in the spotlight to take his place.

And the media and the public continue to focus on the contentless content of his babbling instead of the contentless lack of coherent thought that's driving it ... and possibly driving us into a devastating global war. All because we keep giving our babbling toddler a microphone and a national stage.

Even though he's not entirely sure what country we just bombed.

He's confusing the Electoral College with Trump University again


Those who can't president go golfing

I've never heard our puerile inarticulate man-boy president brag about how awesome he is at golfing. And he's been golfing quite nearly every weekend he's been our failure of a president. And he brags about how awesome he is at EVERYTHING. So he must be as disastrous (one of his favorite words!) at golfing as he is at presidenting.

He gets a lot of practice at golfing and he doesn't get any better. He gets a LOT of practice at lying and he doesn't get any better. Despite his repeated, baldfaced, heavily tweeted declarations to the contrary, he's giving himself very little practice at being president. And by all measures and accounts and logical conclusions he's actually getting worse.

But in his defense, he clearly worked very hard and was very efficient at getting himself under FBI investigation.

Peeps are not your peeps


Friday, April 14, 2017

Bring up the curtain, la, la, la

MUSICAL I HATE: Cats (which is the first show I saw on Broadway), Mama Mia (love ABBA, hate the show)

MUSICALS I THINK ARE OVERRATED: The Producers, Gypsy, My Fair Lady, The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee, Kinky Boots, Spring Awakening

MUSICAL I THINK IS OVERDONE: Grease

MUSICALS I THINK ARE UNDERRATED: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Mame, Once on this Island, On the 20th Century, Kiss of the Spider Woman, City of Angels, Big River, Chess

MUSICALS I LOVE: A Chorus Line, Next to Normal, Jersey Boys, Ragtime, Evita, Newsies, Book of Mormon, any Sondheim

MUSICAL I CHERISH: West Side Story

MUSICALS I COULD LISTEN TO ON REPEAT: Company, Sweeney Todd, A Little Night Music, Sunday in the Park with George, On the 20th Century

MUSICALS I STILL WANT TO DO: Sunday in the Park with George, Hairspray, Company, Sweeney Todd, 1776, Follies, On the 20th Century, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Full Monty

MUSICALS I STILL WANT TO SEE: Hamilton, Chicago, Dear Evan Hansen, Urinetown, The Music Man (but only because I live in Iowa)

GUILTY PLEASURE: Bye Bye Birdie, Wicked, 42nd Street, Pippin, Joseph/Dreamcoat

Flashback Friday: Cicero Edition

The Chicago Gay Men's Chorus allowed me to check off a lot of things that are on every man's bucket list: Sing the National Anthem at a Cubs game, record a CD of beautifully arranged love songs, choreograph a show called The Ten Commandments: The Musical, and rock the six-wived Lipschitz out of Velma Kelly's wig and heels in a reverently faithful re-creation of "The Cell Block Tango." POP!

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Well, crap

I've ordered a good $500 worth of jeans in various tasteful and age-appropriate colors from Amazon over the past few months, and I finally sat down tonight to figure out how to return the ones that are too small. Which is pretty much all of them. Even though I ordered the size I always wear. But I just discovered to my procrastinated dismay that you can't return stuff to Amazon after 30 days. And you ESPECIALLY can't return stuff to Amazon with a cat in the box.

So I am now the proud owner of about 10 pair of 36 (cough! cough!) x 34 slim-fit jeans in tasteful shades of khakis and blues and greens. And I certainly don't expect people to compensate me for my procrastination and my inability to read fine print, so if you live nearby and think you could fit your hips in some brand-new, still-betagged 36 (cough! cough!) x 34 slim-fit jeans, shoot me a private message and I can totally hook you up.

Also! Remind me to tell you the story about the time more than 30 days ago that I somehow ordered two boxes each of two different pair of totally cool sneakers. (I know. Who DOES something that dumb?) Bring your size 12 feet on by and see if they fit.

First come, first to get a bonus free cat.

It's always the messiest before it gets the organizediest, right?


Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Today in stupid

1. I chose to eat dinner at McDonald's.
2. Sean Spicer.
3. The person taking my McDonald's drive-through order asked me if it was for here or to go.
4. "The Holocaust center."
5. The North Carolina House GOP filed a bill to invalidate the Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage, directing the state government to defy it.
6. Hitler "didn't even sink to using chemical weapons."
7. The Texas Senate advanced a bill that would allow county clerks to refuse marriage licenses to gay couples in the name of not-at-all-secret-code-for-homophobic-hatred "religious liberty."
8. Hitler “was not using the gas on his own people in the same way that Assad is doing.”
9. Kenneth Adkins, an anti-gay Georgia pastor who said that the victims of the Orlando massacre "got what they deserved," was found guilty -- the only not-stupid part of this list -- of molesting a boy and girl who attended his church.
10. Sean Spicer. Seriously. Sean Spicer.

Seven years ago today I was in NYC having a Birthday Broadway Binge Blowout

Next week I leave for another NYC Birthday Broadway Binge Blowout. I'd say this trend makes it safe to conclude that I'm gay, but that doesn't begin with a B. And I refuse to switch out the initial letters and associate myself with the word Girthday, which thankfully isn't even a word. I gope.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Going nuclear

Today, "Fascism Forever" club founder, Constitutional "originalist" and declared Constitutional "faithful servant" Neil Gorsuch was sworn in as the 113th Supreme Court Justice of the United States, a position -- or at least the opportunity to be sworn into that position -- that Constitutionally belongs to someone else.

On August 6, 2016, Senate Majority Leader, integrityless obstructionist, too-lazy-and-corrupt-to-hide-it hypocrite and hideous melted candle Mitch McConnell declared at something literally called the Fancy Farm Picnic in his not-racist home state of Kentucky, "One of my proudest moments was when I told Obama, 'You will not fill this Supreme Court vacancy'" [with then-president Barack Obama's SCOTUS appointee Merrick Garland]. Intentionally -- or incompetently -- misinterpreting the 1992 so-called Biden Rule that proposed that lame-duck SCOTUS nominations couldn't be voted on and confirmed AFTER election day, McConnell declared that "The American people‎ should have a voice in the selection of their next Supreme Court Justice. Therefore, this vacancy should not be filled until we have a new President." He knew he had the Senate majority to support this final belligerent, partisan attack of Republicans' eight years of Obama obstructionism, and the Garland nomination died after 293 days of McConnell's gross dereliction of duty.

On January 31, 2017, our new, inarticulate man-boy president nominated Gorsuch for the SCOTUS seat, and after Senate Democrats -- who knew a 60-vote Senate supermajority didn't exist to confirm Gorsuch -- threatened to filibuster and obstruct the nomination through Constitutional channels instead of through partisan dereliction the way McConnell had, the grandstandingly indignant McConnell whined, "Apparently there's yet a new standard now, which is not to confirm a Supreme Court nominee at all. I think that's something the American people simply will not tolerate."

McConnell had but one weapon of retaliation: the so-called Nuclear Option, which replaces the 60-vote Senate supermajority requirement for SCOTUS confirmations with a 51-vote simple majority, which he knew he had. And which he did. And which resulted in the unholy confirmation and swearing in of declared fascism enthusiast and profoundly dubious Constitutional faithful servant Gorsuch.

And which set an admittedly-on-both-sides-of-the-aisle highly dangerous precedent enabling either party to pack the SCOTUS with extremely partisan judges -- and further and further polarize the electorate and the entire country -- in perpetuity.

In perpetuity. Because of divisive, bellicose partisan absolutism. Because of McConnell's gross and intentional dereliction of duties. Because of racism. Because of personal political gain over the interest and welfare of the country.

In perpetuity.

Sibling Day. I guess.

True facts:
1. Too much Dippity-do makes it look like you've dyed your hair black.
2. I have a long and obstinate history of ignoring memos about family sleeve-buttoning standards.
3. Same with family white-turtleneck compliance ordinances.
4. There are dated family photos and there are hideously dated family photos. I think I can safely say that in this instance, we managed to keep our appearances neutral enough that this photo qualifies as the former.
5. It's apparently some pointlessly manufactured social-media festival called Sibling Day today, so I will refrain from making fun of my sister's hair.
6. No, really. I won't even bring it up.
7. On a completely unrelated note, remember when people used to put mousse in their hair to make it fluffy and out of proportion to their heads?
8. Me neither. Nobody would ever do that, right? I think it's actually just an urban legend.
9. Dappled background screens may match your family's full spectrum of chambray, but that does not make either side of the equation acceptable or appropriate for impressionable children.
10. Chambray would make a great name for a gay cat.

Sunday, April 09, 2017