Tuesday, January 16, 2018

CheckMATE, flat-earthers!

I’m just a Poe boy! Please have him call me!

I’m old enough to have seen the first Star Wars movie in theaters. And while I’ve missed probably the last 729 Star Wars movies, through great, thoughtful, tight storytelling — and probably through unavoidable cultural saturation over the last few decades — I was able to pick up all the backstory I needed to follow this movie ... and IT! WAS! AWESOME! 

Plus seeing the movie (with snacks!) on company time was our post-holiday (because it’s all hands on deck through the holidays) company party, I! GET! THE! REST! OF! THE! AFTERNOON! OFF! 

I am one with the Force.

Some not-so-quiet conversation 

They're not even pretty blankets

Mom asked me if I wanted her to bring me another blanket for my bed and I said no, I did not want her to bring me another blanket for my bed. So we compromised and she brought me two blankets.

Fun fact: When you’re the only queen in a queen-size bed, you never have to be in a rush to fold and put away your laundry because it can pile up on the side of the bed nobody sleeps on while the crushing, suffocating loneliness piles up on your side.

Other fun fact: I just posted a picture of my underpants on the Internets.

Monday, January 15, 2018

A fond remembrance of our old delicate-fucking-lotus-blossom neighbors

Five years ago right now, my now-ex and I were embroiled in an epic war launched by our downstairs neighbors whose delicate constitutions were incompatible with the deafening pitter-pats of the eight velvety kitten paws touching our floors. The neighbors retaliated by blaring explosion-filled video games on their TV speakers non-stop and filing a noise complaint with our condo board. I responded in kind with a manifesto destroying everything about them so blisteringly that they literally broke their lease and moved out within a month. (I must find that manifesto and post it here in the spirit of lingering pettiness. If I remember correctly, it’s quite a masterpiece of laser-focused vitriol.) 

Plus — in my benevolent due diligence — I bought us this gorgeous new kitten-silencing rug:

Sunday, January 14, 2018

This is my bed. MY BED.

My warm, cozy, comfy, safe, monster-free, nobody-hisses-at-me sanctuary of a bed. MY BED. With delicately pastel powder-blue sheets that my mom insisted on using so shut up. And look who I just encountered holding court on my warm, cozy, comfy, safe, monster-free, now-unquestionably-hiss-infested sanctuary of a bed as I innocently -- but admirably and responsibly! -- brought my I-washed-it-myself clean laundry to my room. It's late so I'll give you a hint who it is: that heinous anus the world knows -- and loathes -- as Bitch Kitty. In MY BED. Glaring and growling and hissing and I wouldn't put it past her to be farting at me in MY BED. Which as I've stated here is my private, sacred, revered sanctuary. Which I never bother to make in the morning but shut up.

And now I feel scared and unwelcome and growled at and shaken in my unwavering certainty that there are no monsters -- and there is no hissing -- in my bed. MY BED.

So ... um ... can I come over?

#SundayShowTunes: Thoroughly Modern Millie

A simple choice, nothing more:
This or that, either or.

Marry well, social whirl, business man ...
Clever girl.

Or pin my future on a green glass love ...
What kind of life am I dreaming of?

Friday, January 12, 2018

Greetings from the warm beaches under the softly lit palm trees of tropical Iowa!

I'm ancestrally from Norway

but I count myself as being from THIS country, where we desperately need to wipe out our Shithole Genius and flush him away so we can undo all the shithole things he's done.

First day at the new office!

With the photography studio! And the mannequin graveyard! Which I prefer to call the mannequin forest! Because it’s less deathy! And more poety! Because I’m a writer! And a spin artist! Who talks in phrases! And wastes exclamation points! Yay!
(Oh—and new glasses!)

Flashback Friday: Walking The Loop Edition

 Chicago Board of Trade. 5:50 pm. Obviously.

While I grew to thoroughly loathe my daily Chicago commutes on the packed-with-everyone-who-works-in-the-Loop Red Line, I loved walking through the epic architecture that shapes and personifies and defines the Loop while I worked there -- especially after dark when everything was bathed in dramatic lighting.

Tuesday, January 09, 2018


Three likes and one retweet? SERIOUSLY?
You and I both know this is pop-culture comedy GOLD, and I take umbrage at the implication that I'm somehow too old to know what all the bands are that the cool kids are listening to these days on their long-playing albums. Rude.