Sigh

Three of Walmart’s finest ran into my cart in one trip and Iowa-timidated ME into saying Ope and I’m sorry but that’s just an egregious abuse of first-caucus-in-the-nation power.

Also: furnace filters + lightbulbs + non-slip rug pads + cat food-to-poop supplies = a sad, sad afternoon of quiet-desperation adulting

I’m going to make “harder to find than the peanut butter at the west side Walmart” a common phrase in the popular English lexicon if it’s the last thing I do

(It’s by the tea. Because why put it by the bread LIKE IN EVERY OTHER GROCERY STORE IN THIS AND ALL OTHER GALAXIES?)

Also: I accidentally hit the wrong button at the gas pump and now my car is purring along on way fancier gas than it’s used to. I’m already scorning all you gutteral commoners and your sad little budget gas.

We’ve been in Galena four hours and we’ve already been told by the toothless cashier at Walmart that her husband’s best friend got her pregnant and gave her chlamydia

And “gave her chlamydia” is not am impoetic euphemism for “gave her a baby they eventually named Chlamydia once it was born.” I asked to make sure.

But! Our rental house! Is cuuuuuute!

It comes with a Carol-Brady-including collage of wall art over an actual working turntable and a library of suspiciously gay LPs, a curvy scripted self-promoting hashtag painted in shimmery gold by a round mirror reflecting two suspiciously gay kissing husband roommates, a gilded squirrel thing, a fire pit at the end of a rocky walkway, and an actual working bird’s nest with actual working robin eggs that appear to be actually hatching.

Plus I brought pie!

#lookoutside

The last Elf bow has been bowed and Elf the Musical is now but a cotton-headed dream

We struck the set tonight as our final goodbye to our bejinglebelled adventures, and I have to say that the $6.99 work gloves I bought this morning at Walmart instead of having my oil changed there because nobody ever came to the check-in desk to see why about 10 of us were standing around waiting was the best $6.99 I’ve spent on myself in a very long time; I came home from strike with a satisfied exhaustion and no splinters or cuts on my elfin-soft hands.

Now on to my next theater adventure!