When you’re bored in the hospital, you tend to make mega-trendy cat memes on your phone

Among my many noteworthy accomplishments today:

I finally got rid of that hideous Monster MalachiteTM square plate and replaced it with a delicately fluted saucer that matches Bitch Kitty’s elegant Velvety VerdigrisTM food bowl.

Now her basement café is just downright fucking classy.

Sigh

Three of Walmart’s finest ran into my cart in one trip and Iowa-timidated ME into saying Ope and I’m sorry but that’s just an egregious abuse of first-caucus-in-the-nation power.

Also: furnace filters + lightbulbs + non-slip rug pads + cat food-to-poop supplies = a sad, sad afternoon of quiet-desperation adulting

Stabby the Cat doesn’t put up with your excuses on back and shoulders day

He does, however, have a benevolent tolerance for your unruly hair.

Cats are weird

Why did she just plop down with her back to me and her butthole on my foot? She has all the social subtlety of a passive-aggressive sixth-grader at recess.

Mom is reading Dad all the lovely birthday messages people have posted for him on Facebook

... while Bitch Kitty sits in her favorite perch on his shoulder to help him listen.

Don’t look now—or don’t even look at me when I try to take your damn picture—but someone we know is 15 years old today

That’s 76 in bitch years.

9 days till #Hallowmeme!

Do we pose ourselves artistically and look adorable atop the piano when there ISN’T a ratty old book ruining the composition for a photo?

No. We wait for a ratty old book to ruin the composition for any potential photos and THEN pose ourselves artistically and look adorable atop the piano.

Taco cat

Senile felines
Egad! An adage!
Yawn a more Roman way.
A man, a plan, a canal: Panama!
9/10/19

She won’t sit on my damn lap. SO WHY IS SHE SITTING IN MY DAMN GYM BAG?

I hope she gets cathlete’s paw.

We don’t sit IN the box. We glare from BEHIND the box.

Bitch Kitty don’t care that I went on an epic shoe binge

Bitch Kitty has a butt to lick.

Apparently I have an alert fan

1. Bitch Kitty heard my car pull up tonight and stood in rapt attention like this until I came in the door!
2. Mom took this artfully composed, figure-flattering photo to document the event.
3. THEN! BITCH! KITTY! SAT! NEXT! TO! ME! AND! LET! ME! PET! HER!
4. For about 34 seconds.
5. Mom also documented this event with a number of photos.
6. But I looked fat in every one of them so they are wisely not seeing the harsh backlit light of technology.
7. But still ...
8. PROGRESS!

The first Horseman of the Apurrcopalypse:

Bitch Kitty just jumped up on the couch and sat next to me OF HER OWN ACCORD.

You put your left paw in ...

I think my cat is broken

She mega-SUPER-barfed strategically in the shadowy part of the second stair down to my bedroom overnight and then held this pose with her mouth open while I took this picture of her this morning.

NORMAL CATS DON’T DO THIS.

Shit

Yesterday was International Cat Day, but I couldn’t find Bitch Kitty to take a picture of her to post. Please enjoy these flowers instead:

When your little OCD kitty toes have to touch every nearby wall surface

Bridget! Is! Visiting!

Bitch Kitty’s gonna be pissed.