Cats are weird

Why did she just plop down with her back to me and her butthole on my foot? She has all the social subtlety of a passive-aggressive sixth-grader at recess.

BEHOLD MY PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE DECORATING POWERS!

Do you remember on Tuesday night I complained about the unflattering light in my gym (but really only because one of the round ceiling lights ended up in my stealthfie so I just riffed on it from there)?

GUESS WHAT! SERIOUSLY—JUST GUESS! OK, I’LL TELL YOU:

Literally as we speak—exactly 48 hours after my post—there’s a crew of workers here TAKING DOWN THE RELENTLESSLY GLARING ROUND LIGHT FIXTURES AND PUTTING UP BRIGHT SHINY NEW BUT STILL RELENTLESSLY GLARING RECTANGULAR ONES. (Which, imho, still aren’t doing anyone’s complexion any favors, but it’s nothing a few layers of diffusing gauze and about 50 strategically placed bergamot candles couldn’t fix. Ahem.)

BEHOLD:

I SHIT YOU NOT. Here are the old round ones waiting by the door:

I loathe this lying, belligerent, clumsily manipulative, passive-aggressive, hypocritical shithole woman SO MUCH

Presidential Hillary's second debate with Snifflin' Don was two years ago tonight

Facebook just reminded me that I live-blogged the entire Eminent Capability vs Syphilitic Dumpster Fire Smackdown! in real time:

8:06 PM
Hillary didn't shake his hand. Probably because who knows where it's been.

8:12 PM
Locker-room talk --> ISIS. It's a logical progression.

8:16 PM
"It's just words." It's more like Mental Illness Theater.

8:38 PM
Hillary delivers a thoughtful, nuanced organized, detail-focused description of what is and isn't working in the ACA. Donald just repeats the word "disaster" and says he's going to do "something" about it. Oh, and that he has "plans." And that it's a "disaster." Sniff.

8:51 PM
"She just went 25 seconds over her time limit." And she stole my favorite toy. Waaaah. Sniff.

8:58 PM
"Carried interest." When did Trump learn an economy word? I just got a tiny (which is the opposite of "bigly") bit of respect for his math tutor.

9:04 PM
"I understand taxes better than anyone in this country." Then why do you use tax accountants? Compared to your stated genius, their ineptitude must be frustrating.

9:19 PM
Once again, Hillary is talking in thoughtfully nuanced paragraphs to answer the question about what she would do about the humanitarian crisis in Syria. Trump just calls her a "disaster" and has to be re-asked the question TWICE plus have the subject patiently explained to him by Martha Raddatz and he not only can't answer the question but he says he's never even talked about it with his running mate. HOLY SHIT.

9:22 PM
I'm chugging a shot of Trump Vodka every time he says "disaster." So far I've downed three bottles but it's such shitty vodka all it's done is make me have to pee.

9:31 PM
There are three people in my life I don't want to feel smarter than: my boss, my doctor and my president. I have an awesome boss, I have a brilliant doctor ... but I'm facing the prospect of having a syphilitic (sniff) psychopathic passive-aggressive imbecile in Mr. Pumpkin makeup as a president. Sniff.

9:46 PM
The question is in two parts, Donald: How to meet our energy needs and how to do it without damaging the environment. Your only answer is deregulation ... with a couple passive-aggressive jabs at Hillary. Oh, and speaking of Hillary, she efficiently answers both questions in a thoughtful, informed, articulated set of paragraphs.

Poor Bridget is sleeping in the hallway tonight

I bet none of my friends is brave enough to forward this

"Only 4% of people are able to ..." is 723% unmeasurable before, during or after sending a gif into cyberspace, and I think catastrophically less of anyone who posts or forwards anything with that preamble. There. I said it.