It's National Punctuation Day!

Since I have no punctuation platters, I'm celebrating by posting a picture of our grammar plate in the hopes that it will be a catalyst for launching a National Grammar Plate Day. In the mean time, here's a friendly Punctuation Day reminder from me to you: You are issued a mere 25 exclamation points each diacritical year. That's two per month plus a birthday wildcard. Use your exclamation points judiciously. Once they're gone, you are rendered exclamation-pointless until the beginning of the next diacritical year. If you get convicted of exclamation abuse in that time, you'll serve a very long sentence.

Ahem.

Hy-pathetic

If a guy in a perfectly broken in Banana Republic circa 2010 faux-1978-throwback compass-and-fleur-de-lis-crest-collection cornflower blue crewneck T-shirt crafted from 100% soft, breathable cotton (I’m being purposefully vague here to protect everyone’s privacy) bench pressed 3 sets of 10 reps at 185 lbs without a spotter in his uncharacteristically empty gym so there was practically nobody there to see it, would it still make a sound on social media?

Hypothetically, of course. BECAUSE ONLY A FERAL JUNGLE-BEAST MONSTER COULD EVER BENCH PRESS 3 SETS OF 10 REPS AT 185 LBS WITHOUT A SPOTTER.

Ahem.

(Confidential to whomever inflicted this abomination on the world: “Darling, I’m a nightmare dressed like a daydream” is neither creative nor clever nor meaningful nor of intrinsic or extrinsic value nor worthy of the music-listening population’s attention. Especially in a would-be headbanger gym. I hate you with the white-hot fire of a thousand competent lyricists.)

BEHOLD MY PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE DECORATING POWERS!

Do you remember on Tuesday night I complained about the unflattering light in my gym (but really only because one of the round ceiling lights ended up in my stealthfie so I just riffed on it from there)?

GUESS WHAT! SERIOUSLY—JUST GUESS! OK, I’LL TELL YOU:

Literally as we speak—exactly 48 hours after my post—there’s a crew of workers here TAKING DOWN THE RELENTLESSLY GLARING ROUND LIGHT FIXTURES AND PUTTING UP BRIGHT SHINY NEW BUT STILL RELENTLESSLY GLARING RECTANGULAR ONES. (Which, imho, still aren’t doing anyone’s complexion any favors, but it’s nothing a few layers of diffusing gauze and about 50 strategically placed bergamot candles couldn’t fix. Ahem.)

BEHOLD:

I SHIT YOU NOT. Here are the old round ones waiting by the door:

It's National Punctuation Day!

Since I have no punctuation platters, I'm celebrating by posting a picture of our grammar plate in the hopes that it will be a catalyst for launching a National Grammar Plate Day. In the mean time, here's a friendly Punctuation Day reminder from me to you: You are issued a mere 25 exclamation points each diacritical year. That's two per month plus a birthday wildcard. Use your exclamation points judiciously. Once they're gone, you are rendered exclamation-pointless until the beginning of the next diacritical year. If you get convicted of exclamation abuse in that time, you'll serve a very long sentence.

Ahem.