NEW RULES:

When I pay a hella lot of money THAT YOU BARELY NEGOTIATE ON to buy a sexy new Kia Forte 2020 from you [JUST LOOK AT THIS SEXY INTERIOR! CAN YOU BLAME ME FOR BUYING IT? NO, YOU CAN'T.], you owe me two things:

1. A bag to put all the stuff from my old car in when I do a final sweep of its contents. Seriously. Why isn't this a standard thing you do when you sell a car? I can't be the first person ever who needed a small bag for the crap in my glove compartment when I traded in my old car for a new one from you.

2. A final sweep of your own through my old car to find things I overlooked. Like my damn garage-door opener. Seriously. Why isn't this a standard thing you do when you sell a car? I can't be the first person ever who accidentally left a garage-door opener in my old car when I traded it in for a new one from you. And now you have to wait around tonight for me to pick it up after work. How is this efficient for either of us?

BUT LOOK AT THIS SEXY INTERIOR, PEOPLE! I WOULD NEVER LEAVE THIS CAR IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO TO WORK ON OCCASION TO PAY FOR IT.

I thought I had to make it to midnight tonight, but I won last night without even knowing it!

I’m giving this victory to someone special.

It's National Punctuation Day!

Since I have no punctuation platters, I'm celebrating by posting a picture of our grammar plate in the hopes that it will be a catalyst for launching a National Grammar Plate Day. In the mean time, here's a friendly Punctuation Day reminder from me to you: You are issued a mere 25 exclamation points each diacritical year. That's two per month plus a birthday wildcard. Use your exclamation points judiciously. Once they're gone, you are rendered exclamation-pointless until the beginning of the next diacritical year. If you get convicted of exclamation abuse in that time, you'll serve a very long sentence.

Ahem.

Flashback Friday: Ruls Edition

My nephew was a draconian, absolutist, fun-hating child. But at least he left no gray areas in his demands. Or wet areas.

Let the record show, for the record, that this sign was designed and created in response to an (alleged, for the lawyers) infraction of my niece's and not of mine. It now sits charmingly framed on the tank of the downstairs toilet in my sister's house. Please contact me directly for tour times and dates.

RULES:

1. When you move home from Chicago to Cedar Rapids three years ago, remember to cancel your Chicago renters' insurance.
1(a). Over the course of those three years, also be sure to notice that the monthly premiums for the renters' insurance that you should have canceled are still being automatically charged to your credit card.
1(b). Every freaking month.
1(c). For THREE FREAKING YEARS.
1(d). Or maybe you're too stupid to have a credit card.
1(e). Or insurance.
1(f). Or nice things in general.
1(g). Because think of all the nice things you could have bought over the last three years with the THIRTY-SIX MONTHLY INSURANCE PREMIUMS YOU NEVER NOTICED YOU WERE PAYING AUTOMATICALLY ON YOUR CREDIT CARD.
1(h). Dipshit.

2. There is no Rule #2.
2(a). You're too stupid even to handle Rule #1.
2(b) We thought we raised you to be more responsible than that.
2(c). You're going to spend yourself into the poorhouse buying insurance you don't need for a place you don't occupy in a city where you don't live.
2(d). You'll probably die poor and alone in the street.
2(e). On the bright side, you'll be insured.
2(f). Just not the way you need to be.
2(g). Dipshit.

First Immutable Rule of the Copy Desk:

Never -- NEVER! -- enter copy into the system that you don't want accidentally overlooked and sent to press.

So how does this work?

Do I pick one from each column or do I get to mix and match any three like on the Denny's value menu? Or is this one of those brain teasers where I have to re-organize the list so the first letter of every line spells a common phrase or a popular song title? Or maybe I have to clear the board -- which automatically disqualifies me because I refuse to be yoga pants as a matter of principle. They should really pass out leaflets with the rules spelled out clearly or nobody's going to play ... which means nobody will ever win Eternal Damnation.

#NotVeryIntelligentlyDesigned

Leg Day rule #1:

Always make sure the gym is completely empty before you take a potentially dangerous selfie.
(25 reps x 4 sets x 270 lbs, baby!)

Never skip leg day, bro.