WHY ARE THESE CRETINS SO ENDLESSLY FREAKING WEIRD?

My money's on end-stage syphilis.

Mental Illness Theater

I’m very, VERY busy alphabetizing my dryer lint in order of who has the cutest boyfriend tonight, so I’ll be understandably unable to watch Derp Fuhrer waddle through the indignities of end-stage syphilis as his collective stink of ineptitude, racism and borschtburders wafts across the House chamber like the frothy spittle of married siblings pulled from their confederate bedsheets and forced to think about gays eating cake in the harsh light of day.

But have fun holding down your dinner if for some reason you find value in sitting through the STFU. Or however you spell it.

Presidential Hillary's second debate with Snifflin' Don was two years ago tonight

Facebook just reminded me that I live-blogged the entire Eminent Capability vs Syphilitic Dumpster Fire Smackdown! in real time:

8:06 PM
Hillary didn't shake his hand. Probably because who knows where it's been.

8:12 PM
Locker-room talk --> ISIS. It's a logical progression.

8:16 PM
"It's just words." It's more like Mental Illness Theater.

8:38 PM
Hillary delivers a thoughtful, nuanced organized, detail-focused description of what is and isn't working in the ACA. Donald just repeats the word "disaster" and says he's going to do "something" about it. Oh, and that he has "plans." And that it's a "disaster." Sniff.

8:51 PM
"She just went 25 seconds over her time limit." And she stole my favorite toy. Waaaah. Sniff.

8:58 PM
"Carried interest." When did Trump learn an economy word? I just got a tiny (which is the opposite of "bigly") bit of respect for his math tutor.

9:04 PM
"I understand taxes better than anyone in this country." Then why do you use tax accountants? Compared to your stated genius, their ineptitude must be frustrating.

9:19 PM
Once again, Hillary is talking in thoughtfully nuanced paragraphs to answer the question about what she would do about the humanitarian crisis in Syria. Trump just calls her a "disaster" and has to be re-asked the question TWICE plus have the subject patiently explained to him by Martha Raddatz and he not only can't answer the question but he says he's never even talked about it with his running mate. HOLY SHIT.

9:22 PM
I'm chugging a shot of Trump Vodka every time he says "disaster." So far I've downed three bottles but it's such shitty vodka all it's done is make me have to pee.

9:31 PM
There are three people in my life I don't want to feel smarter than: my boss, my doctor and my president. I have an awesome boss, I have a brilliant doctor ... but I'm facing the prospect of having a syphilitic (sniff) psychopathic passive-aggressive imbecile in Mr. Pumpkin makeup as a president. Sniff.

9:46 PM
The question is in two parts, Donald: How to meet our energy needs and how to do it without damaging the environment. Your only answer is deregulation ... with a couple passive-aggressive jabs at Hillary. Oh, and speaking of Hillary, she efficiently answers both questions in a thoughtful, informed, articulated set of paragraphs.

Great. Now MY phone has been exposed to HIS end-stage syphilis.

It’ll no doubt start yelling at the pudding and deporting the Instagrams soon.

The Hillary/Horse'sAss debate was two years ago today

Facebook memories shows that I live-blogged my color commentary as I watched it. I didn't realize Snifflin' Don's "very good people" blather has been an established through line in the fiction of his presidency.

The highlights:

8:24 pm
Hillary's talking in paragraphs. Donald's just yelling the same interruptions over and over. #SniffingDonald #SniffleGate #TrumpTrainWreck

8:35 pm
"Trumped-Up Trickle Down" gets points for alliteration and conceptual clarity, but it's too rhythmically bumpy to catch on. My money's on "Deplorable Don." #SnifflingDonald #SniffleGate #TrumpTrainWreck

8:44 pm
When did #SnifflingDonald suddenly get interested in infrastructure? That's a four-syllable word. And it's nothing he can electroplate with gold and slap his name on in seven-foot letters. #SniffleGate #TrumpTrainWreck

8:48 pm
"Law and Order"! He finally said it. Now I can mark it off on my bingo card. Next up? My money's on "The Generals." #SnifflingDonald #SniffleGate

9:00 pm
UGH. Here we go again. The NRA is "very very good people and they're protecting the Second Amendment." Since when do "very very good people" insist that "a well-regulated militia" means "citizens with assault rifles"? That's bastardizing the Second Amendment, not protecting it. Only an anus-lipped sociopath would confuse "bastardizing" with "protecting."

9:06 pm
Birther bullshit? Still? It was--and continues to be--a meaningless distraction for people too stupid and lazy to understand NATO. But it does have the bonus benefit of being a convenient code for helping sentient people suss out racists. #SnifflingDonald #SniffleGate #TrumpTrainWreck

9:25 pm
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. #SnifflingDonald just spent 90 seconds yelling like a feral boob monkey about his temperament! And also his temperament! Plus his temperament! #SniffleGate #TrumpTrainWreck

9:36 pm
"She doesn't have the stamina," says the guy hemorrhaging snot like a man with end-stage syphilis. #SnifflingDonald #DeplorableDonald #SniffleGate #TrumpTrainWreck

9:46 pm
#SnifflingDonald postulates that the DNC could have been hacked by "someone sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds." What does it matter how much the bed weighs? #SniffleGate #TrumpTrainWreck

2018
Look! I made a calendar that says I didn't rape anybody for a whole month in college! (Oops. That was Kavanaugh. I get my rapists mixed up sometimes.)

When you suck at simple hand choreogravfefe

#StableGenius

A Manifesto of End-Stage Syphilis

For starters, a very stable genius would know the difference between winning the popular vote and going down in flames. But there aren’t enough pixels in the world to do full justice to the unmined gems here. His slow-burn implosion would be delicious karma to watch if it weren’t so terrifying for the country.

Oh nose!

Bitch Kitty is sick! She left barf bombs all over the house last night and today she's sneezing all over things we're now reluctant to touch. But kitty sneezes are adorably cute, even if they're coming from a kitty who's hemorrhaging profusely out of every orifice and in the spastic throes of death. A whimsical little sneeze is like a final gift of adorableness to the people standing helplessly around her watching her die.

But back to Bitch Kitty. According to the accredited scholarly journal Everyone Has Syphilis, Bitch Kitty's barfing and adorable sneezing and open hostility toward adult gay men who have so much love to give but no one to give it to are classic symptoms of Profoundly Embarrassing Feline Syphilis That Brings Mortal Shame Upon The Entire Family.

But! There is a cure: Value Size Ultra Mega Hairball Formula Premium Formula Gel. I swear I'm not making that up. It comes in a toothpaste tube and you squirt it on your cat's paw and she fastidiously licks it off and through the wonders of magic and witchcraft -- because all cats are witches who are openly hostile toward adult gay men who have so much love to give but no one to give it to -- she stops leaving barf bombs all over the house. And it comes in malt flavor, because everyone knows cats prefer malts and drive-in movies over tuna and chicken.

As for the adorable sneezing, we read on the internet -- and I swear I'm not making this up either -- that you should fill an eye dropper with a gently warmed saline solution and squirt a few drops up the cat's nose while the cat sits calmly and cooperatively as she's basically being waterboarded. Look at this picture:

That's a rare and extremely collectible photo of Bitch Kitty hissing and running away but still for one brief nanosecond keeping her hiss aimed in the general direction of my camera, which she does at bag-of-pudding speed (because she's too zaftig to move at lightning speed) every time I enter her field of vision. So guess who in my family would be a lacerated failure at squirting salty water anywhere in the vicinity of Bitch Kitty, much less up her adorably sneezy nose. Just guess. Bitch Kitty LOOOOOOVES my dad, but waterboarding is still waterboarding and my dad is 500 years old and starting to get feeble and Bitch Kitty would open every vein in his body if he tried to waterboard her -- even coming from a place of love -- and I bet he wouldn't even give us an adorable final sneeze as we stood around helplessly watching him die.

But! The guy at the pet store said there is an alternate solution: Buy a humidifier. Which we did. Let me type that again slowly to make sure you understand it: WE JUST BOUGHT A HUMIDIFIER TO GENTLY MOISTEN THE AIR IN OUR HOME FOR OUR SNEEZY BARFY BITCHY CAT.

In other news, we found proof at the pet store that our country is officially out of plausible, relevant product names. Because we found a product called Stop That!, which I assume is designed to stop kitties from doing whatever "that" is: collapsing the soufflé, ordering too many shoes online, staring at Melania's classy titty pictures ... who knows?

Then! (And I promise I'll end this endless post after this paragraph.) We found the BEST worst name for a product in the whole entire universe: ThunderShirt! Which could be used for superheroes or bodybuilder clothes or storm chasers. But no. It's just for cat anxiety. CAT ANXIETY. The ThunderShirt for Cat Anxiety. Say it 16 times and it's STILL the dumbest use of the coolest name ever to fix an imaginary first-world problem. Like bipolar disorder. Or plain Oreos. Or That.

"Told by the Democrats that you must be nasty to Trump"

You know what can cause petulant egocentric paranoia? Late-stage syphilis.