I made a meme!

Yup

I still can't decide if I should be appalled or amused--or somehow a combination of both--that Stable Genius actually said "my crimes." That puerile man-boy is too stupid to wipe his own ass.

Crap we’ve found in old boxes:

A little hand loom for making hot pads and stuff with a photo of two sailors exchanging hand-loomed purses under the BIG LIE WORD “straits”

BAM!

Last night the weather thingie on my phone promised me it would be a cool, comfortable 63° right now

But right now my phone tells me it’s actually a global-warmingy 66°.

I suppose next you’re going to tell me the Arbor Day Cow who frolicks through the cobbled suburban streets munching on squirrels and bringing all the attractive children immunity from smallpox isn’t real.

MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE.

Gah!

It’s not even 10:00 and I’ve already tried to take a drink of soda with the can completely backward, described a solid-color polo as “soiled,” killed a wombat with my bare hands, downed emergency doses of Gabapentin and 5-Hour Energy, and lied about killing a wombat with my bare hands. WHAT’S NEXT, SATAN?

Remember when this POS literally hid in the bushes to avoid speaking to the press--WHICH WAS HIS JOB--and then later said it was because he was fat?

Raise your hand if you've ever body-shamed yourself to the point you've hidden in bushes to avoid doing your job. I'll wait.

Blue. I think I'll paint the walls blue.

Celebrity taste maven, international MySpace influencer and insightful friend Matt came over this weekend and helped me FINALLY narrow my ocean of blue paint chips—which numbered in the 50s when I started collecting options almost two years ago—from the ten I’d narrowed it to on my own down to a SINGLE WINNING COLOR (which ended up being called Chinese Porcelain, which sent us into paroxysms of delight because it gave us now our THIRD unexpected opportunity to use our favorite hyper-masculine decorator-bro term: Chinoiserie).

So I just bought two gallons of custom-tinted Chinese Porcelain eggshell paint after work without giving myself room for a second of second thought and I slapped some of it around my bedroom door frames when I got home to check it out—not that it matters at this point—and SHIT JUST GOT REAL, FAM!

FREE SALES LESSON TO THE DUDE BEHIND THE MENARDS PAINT COUNTER: If you’re going to instantly try to upsell me to a different brand of paint and I respond with the extremely logical and not-to-be-unexpected-by-anyone-who’s-not-dead question “What’s the difference?” you need to be ready to demonstrate that YOU ACTUALLY KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. And when I try to save you from your deer-in-the-headlights hemming and hawing and stuttering by asking which you’d recommend, JUST MAKE UP A FUCKING ANSWER IF YOU HAVE NO PROFESSIONAL KNOWLEDGE OR OPINION. And if you still insist on being that stupid, at least have the common courtesy to be hot. Sheesh.

Also: “One-coat paint” is and always will be a dirty stinking LIE. You know it. I know it. We both know I know you know it. SO STOP SAYING IT.

Really, Behr: “Premium Plus Ultra Stain Blocking Paint & Primer In One” is an awfully long name for the shitty skim milk in your can

Two coats of your runny, drippy lies can’t even cover beige woodgrain.

His signature looks like a KKK rally

As usual, my friend Dale nails it

“I see it in the Facebook feeds today and hear it in the locker room all of the time, you know the 'both parties are wrong, all politicians are crooks'. Nope sorry, not having it, there are differences. Let’s just talk about El Presidente, I mean Individual One. How about: attacks the Intelligence services, praise dictators, sides with White Nationalists, fails to disavow the KKK, attacks women based on their weight and looks, uses twitter to conduct foreign policy, asks foreign enemies to hack into a Presidential candidate’s email, fabricates a racist story about the former President’s birthplace (birtherism) , already has played more than 138% more golf than Obama, failure to criticize the Saudi Prince for the killing of an American journalist, on pace to beat Obama’s travel record (bigly), failed to release his taxes like he said he would, Trump’s use of Executive Orders, lied about Inauguration crowd size, lied on his business dealings with Russia, said Mexico would pay for the wall and then claimed he never said it, criticized a former decorated Prisoner of War, criticized the family of a deceased Gold Star family, criticized Navy admiral, William H. McRaven the former Navy SEAL commander who oversaw the mission to kill Osama Bin Laden, talk of grabbing women by their genitals, made fun of reporter with disabilities, attacks the media daily, pulling out of International Treaties on Climate Change, Nuclear weapons, and International Trade, attacked a Judge because of his ethnicity, virtually curtailed press conferences, large swaths of executive time, wait I almost forgot about lying about paying off porn stars and now a fake National emergency. I mean what will it take? This is your guy? Thirty-six indictments, nine guilty pleas so far, campaign chair going to jail for the rest of his life. These are all great guys, the kind you want running the country, right? Please don't say both sides do it ever again...this is not apples to apples, this is comparing apples to treason. There are differences and they matter."

Mental Illness Theater

I’m very, VERY busy alphabetizing my dryer lint in order of who has the cutest boyfriend tonight, so I’ll be understandably unable to watch Derp Fuhrer waddle through the indignities of end-stage syphilis as his collective stink of ineptitude, racism and borschtburders wafts across the House chamber like the frothy spittle of married siblings pulled from their confederate bedsheets and forced to think about gays eating cake in the harsh light of day.

But have fun holding down your dinner if for some reason you find value in sitting through the STFU. Or however you spell it.

Let’s do it for our country—the red, white and the blue!

#TwoYears

#NeverForget

Oh, SNAP

NPR’s Rachel Martin just spent five minutes trying to get straight, truthful answers about the border/shutdown shit show from White House Director of Strategic Communications (which is a fancy American way of saying Minister of Propaganda) Mercedes Schlapp, who kept greasily trying to change the subject and misrepresent selective truths in an effort to blanket-blame Democrats and RACHEL WASN’T HAVING IT as she quoted facts and played clips contradicting Mercedes’ scripted talking points and interrupted her desperate wandering AND I MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE WHOOPED AND OH-NO-YOU-DI-HINT-ED AT ALEXA MORE THAN ONCE as Mercedes descended into audible flop sweat. She was clearly used to fielding softball questions from the Fox ilk—and I have NO idea what possessed her to attempt to defend the indefensible in a forum like NPR that always does its homework—but it was a very satisfying way to begin my day.

So. Not. True.

(Back, shoulders and biceps tonight at the gym, if anyone wants to join me. Or see the pictures I post on Facebook.)

DAY 1 WITHOUT DIET COKE

I have replaced my morning 44 oz. bucket of delicious chemical elixir with a can of itchy water infused with a vague taste of sodium and a wisp of a lie about ephemeral fruit flavor. We should find out relatively soon exactly how many tears of desperate despondency I’m capable of shedding as I shake uncontrollably from delicious chemical withdrawal. Stay tuned.

Also: Ranch peanuts taste exactly like peanuts that have the word Ranch on the packaging.

By the way ...

Correction:

LIES! Nobody goes gay in cap sleeves