Bro

I’m man enough to admit that I’m not LIFTING the 95s—the only unoccupied incline bench just happens to be parked in front of them today.

But I AM proud enough to broadcast that I’m back up to incline-dumbbelling 75s after a summer of injury-induced absence from the gym and from the 90s that I’d been incline-dumbbelling last spring.

And yes, incline-dumbbelling is now a valid gerund. I’m a licensed copywriter and I am hereby verbing it so.

Some jetés land you gracefully on your other foot. Some jetés land you in the ER.

You know how sometimes pain can make you flop sweat all over your existing sweat? Yeah.

I’m pretty sure I just have an epic muscle strain in my calf, but the pain has been breathtaking enough that I decided to have it looked at right away. And a nice theater mom took me to the hospital because there’s no way I can drive. Or dance in the show for a while.

Shit.

Flexinations!

1. I just had my annual physical.
2. It turns out I am NOT—despite physical appearances to the contrary—pregnant.
3. Those of you who decided I was pregnant—even silently to yourselves—are just rude.
4. RUDE.
5. I’ve known my doctor since we were in middle school.
6. He just touched my bits.
7. It wasn’t awkward.
8. Not at all.
9. NOT. AT. ALL.
10. HE. TOUCHED. MY. BITS.
11. But I didn’t get pregnant.
12. It’s already flu-shot season.
13. Seriously.
14. VACCINES CAUSE NOT DYING.
15. So my body is now coursing with flu germs.
16. HE TOUCHED MY BITS.
17. Not awkward.
18. As the flu-shot nurse was setting out her supplies before injecting me with flu germs, I asked if instead of her boring Band-Aid she might have a Superman Band-Aid.
19. I was just being silly.
20. BUT SHE HAD ONE.
21. So now my flu-germy arm is also a flu-germy bird and a flu-germy plane.
22. And it can leap tall buildings in a single bound.
23. Of course I needed to take a picture of it.
24. The flexing was totally accidental.
25. Because I would NEVER do that on purpose.
26. 🙄
27. That’s my favorite emoji!
28. HE TOUCHED MY BITS.

Look, I made a run-on sentence

When you’re taking a rehearsal break and your Hello, Dolly! rehearsal hat that totally doesn’t fit ESPECIALLY totally doesn’t fit when you’re lying on the floor but it’s on the same blue-tone colorway spectrum as your shirt and it’s sitting on your head like you’re a Fosse Pilgrim and that’s coincidentally your band name and you need a photo for your eponymous album cover anyway so here we are.

Miles of decorating progress

Since my stupid owie is preventing me from doing load-bearing things like moving furniture and crawling around on the floor touching up baseboards, I’m focusing my bedroom-redo energy on artsy-craftsy projects like découpaging LiveLaughLove cutouts on my ceiling and making an art installation of my running hats, bibs and medals. I had the brilliant idea of carrying that stupid Captain America shield—mostly hidden here under my Mickey-ear ball cap—on my arm for an entire 13.1 miles in the Disney Avengers Half Marathon, so it’s staying fully enshrined among my endurance running souvenirs, no matter how cheap and out of proportion it looks.

Flashback Saturday: Underpants Edition

Seven years ago I did my second annual Chicago Undie Dash, the title of which needs no explanation or clarification beyond the fact that it was a 5K and it ended with a private party aboard a massive yacht that was moored at one of the lakefront marinas whose name I can’t remember. A few years earlier I’d sung at a wedding on the deck of that same yacht. If I remember correctly, I wore Superman underpants that I bought just for the occasion. (The Undie Run, not the wedding.)

Aurora tech rehearsal!

When you play a range of interesting characters, you get a range of interesting props.

* Phrenology head not included.
* And the Superman protein shaker is mine because I just came from the gym.
* But I’m sure at least one of my characters world work out.
* AND MY CHARACTERS DESERVE THEIR TRUTH.

Last night the weather thingie on my phone promised me it would be a cool, comfortable 63° right now

But right now my phone tells me it’s actually a global-warmingy 66°.

I suppose next you’re going to tell me the Arbor Day Cow who frolicks through the cobbled suburban streets munching on squirrels and bringing all the attractive children immunity from smallpox isn’t real.

MY WHOLE LIFE IS A LIE.

One of the most emotionally freeing things I’ve ever done

is allowing myself to stop worrying that I have the lids matched with their original color-coordinated shaker bottles every morning when I pack for the gym.

Not the Superman and Batman shaker bottles, though. I’m not a monster.

This is my last will and testament before I do shoulder presses with only one barbell clip

WHAT KIND OF GYM RUNS OUT OF BARBELL CLIPS?

More importantly, WHAT KIND OF DIPSHIT GYM MEMBERS MISPLACE BARBELL CLIPS IN ODD NUMBERS?

A gay’s powers are never stronger than the morning after a fierce haircut

Repeat that. REPEAT THAT!

When you put on your red, white and blue Superman T-shirt and then grab some coordinating red socks that turn out to be Flash socks when you unfold them, can you truly believe it’s just a coincidence?

No, you cannot. And it’s non-coincidences like these that obligate you to unleash your ferocious superhero snarl on the world.

Rowr.

I hate to brag—oh, let’s not kid ourselves; I LOVE to brag!—but I just got an awesome haircut and you didn’t:

Also: My Batman shirt is better than yours.

How many super-redundant superhero shirts (including one that says CAPTAIN AWESOME but sadly no longer fits) does one super-hoardy man-boy need?