I made a meme!

Remember when this POS literally hid in the bushes to avoid speaking to the press--WHICH WAS HIS JOB--and then later said it was because he was fat?

Raise your hand if you've ever body-shamed yourself to the point you've hidden in bushes to avoid doing your job. I'll wait.

Flashback Friday: Fuckshit Edition

Has it been only a year? Here's what I wrote a year ago today to the puerile, diaper-shitting man-boy "president" of the party that just demanded "civility" from the thinking public: 

Judging from the comments on these posts, this is the epitome of tone and content that inflames the euphoric passions and defiant allegiances of your desperately subnormal base.

BUT YOU ARE UNFORTUNATELY FOR ALL OF US THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, and your lack of capacity for shame, judgment, maturity, impulse control, intelligence, ability and rudimentary adult behavior has turned our country into an international laughingstock that through what's left of our influence and economy is endangering political, financial and social systems around the world. You have a congress working overtime to strip affordable, vital healthcare from millions of poor sick people simply because it was given to them by a black man. You haven't bothered to fill hundreds of essential governmental positions from your cabinet to our country's global ambassadorships, which became an embarrassing liability when seven of our sailors were recently killed in a ship collision just outside of Japan. Your press secretary has escalated from literally hiding in bushes to escape the press that HE WAS HIRED TO ADDRESS to now banning cameras at the press briefings he manages to bumble through, while your congress has now blocked the press from talking to them in hallways. You keep deflecting the catastrophic failures you precipitate every time you breathe as "I inherited a mess" and you scream FAKE NEWS! like an uncontrollably shitting toddler every time your failures are brought to light. And instead of pulling yourself away from your grueling schedule of completely ignoring your wives and kids to fix any of this to the best of your feeble abilities, you tweet insults and gossip as though doing so were mature, appropriate, relevant, true or apparently in your disease-ravaged mind presidential.

Smart people hate you. Educated people hate you. Aware people hate you. Literate people hate you. Entire international populations hate you. The only people left who love or at best tolerate you are pants-wetting cretins who see their empty, meaningless, ugly, unfathomably stupid lives reflected in you.

Don't worry, guys. You can always get jobs in China making #MAGA hats.

Modern-day presidential

You want "extreme vetting" of millions of immigrants but you can't even look up from your golf clubs long enough to figure out how to do cursory drive-by vetting of your top officials. Though you find plenty of time to whine on Twitter about how your professional, moral and personal catastrophic failures aren't your fault. You suck as a president, you suck as a leader, you suck as a judge of character, you suck as a thinker, you suck as a human, you suck as a husband and father, and you especially suck at sucking at everything. There is more value in my toilet than in the entirety of your existence. Gather up all your "best people" and stand in front of your "Second Amendment people" and finally bring your inevitable bloody end to all your sucking bullshit. You owe us.

Either he's a big fat liar or he's not a big fat liar. Either way, he's a liar.

Oh, Sweetie. Bless your heart.

1. The way you typed this with your chocolate-cake-covered thumbs, you have your surrogates somehow collectively being a very active president. So yes, you totally have an accuracy problem. Just not where you in your delusional narcissism think it is.

2. It's your surrogates' job to provide accurate information about your administration to the press. Not to hide in bushes. Not to yell at black people. If they don't provide accurate information, they can always use the time-honored "let me get back to you" duck and run, which at least gives everyone the impression that they're taking the time to ask questions and do research to be accurately informed while they're most likely stalling for time to find a way to spin your increasingly delusional and bizarre words and actions into a way to blame big black Barack Obama for your catastrophic failings.

3. Speaking of your catastrophic failings, if your surrogates don't have perfect accuracy, either they're incompetent or you are. Which, again, is Barack Obama's fault. Or Hillary's. Or now Comey's! Your hallucinatory little world is filled with wondrous possibilities.

4. "Lots of things happening" is a conveniently passive way of implying your schedule is just packed with important presidenty things, which in the real world do not involve golfing every weekend at tremendous taxpayer expense, locking up your third failing marriage in a gilded New York tower also at tremendous taxpayer expense, being an appallingly absent parent to all your children except the ones who actively sustain your practices of corruption and self-aggrandizement, and desperately changing your lies about why you fired the Republican-appointed, served-under-four-consecutive-presidents, in-the-middle-of-investigating-you-for-corruption FBI director on the national news and THEN by letter while you knew he was out of town instead of being a big brave professional "businessman" president and doing it in person.

5. "Cancel all press briefings"? Isn't that what a despotic dictator would do? I'll give you a moment to ask your presidential surrogates if anyone knows the word despot.

6. Getting back to point #1, your inability to write an accurate tweet makes your proposal to "hand out written responses" is the exact opposite of "the best thing to do."

7. And while we're on the topic of your tweets, they're getting longer and more punctuationy and more desperately-blame-everyone-else-but-yourselfy by the day. You're not fooling anyone but your arrogance; you are unhinged, flying off the rails, and hopefully literally and very soon slamming your smug face into the side of a mountain in a catastrophic crash of your own psychopathy.

8. I loathe you.

9. I loathe everyone who voted for and still defiantly supports you.

10. I loathe you.

He hid. In the bushes. Sean Spicer. An adult. HID IN THE BUSHES.

I thought this was an Onion headline the first time I scrolled past it on here. But Sean Spicer, the United States White House Press Secretary, ACTUALLY HID IN THE WHITE HOUSE BUSHES TO AVOID DOING HIS JOB OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS FROM THE PRESS ABOUT THE ABRUPT FIRING OF THE FBI DIRECTOR BY THE PRESIDENT HE WAS INVESTIGATING.

Sean Spicer hid in the bushes. Like a four-year-old. Or a cartoon chicken. To avoid doing his job for the president who hired him. The president who didn't fire him for his childish, nationally embarrassing dereliction of duties.

Are you appalled yet, Trump voters? Because I am. By all of you.

Treasoning like a dog

My usual loathing and contempt for him aside, I kinda feel sorry for Sean Spicer this week. And it's only Tuesday.

All is forgiven though if he has a full-sequin drama-queen meltdown within the next 24 hours. And I mean FULL: smeared mascara, more-debilitating-than-usual incoherency, rended garments and visible evidence of vital organs hemorrhaging out of at least one above-the-neck orifice. Or no deal.

Today in stupid

1. I chose to eat dinner at McDonald's.
2. Sean Spicer.
3. The person taking my McDonald's drive-through order asked me if it was for here or to go.
4. "The Holocaust center."
5. The North Carolina House GOP filed a bill to invalidate the Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage, directing the state government to defy it.
6. Hitler "didn't even sink to using chemical weapons."
7. The Texas Senate advanced a bill that would allow county clerks to refuse marriage licenses to gay couples in the name of not-at-all-secret-code-for-homophobic-hatred "religious liberty."
8. Hitler “was not using the gas on his own people in the same way that Assad is doing.”
9. Kenneth Adkins, an anti-gay Georgia pastor who said that the victims of the Orlando massacre "got what they deserved," was found guilty -- the only not-stupid part of this list -- of molesting a boy and girl who attended his church.
10. Sean Spicer. Seriously. Sean Spicer.

"Russian salad dressing"? "Stop shaking your head"?

I'm finally home and finally tuning in to today's news. I was hoping to hear about the EPA rollback executive orders and on what planet they'd provide any appreciable job growth. But instead HOLY SHIT.

Racist or not -- and I think he is -- stupid or not -- and he clearly is -- Sean Spicer is almost more puerile and belligerent than our inarticulate man-boy president. He's rude and childish and slow-witted and uninformed and a gaspingly bad liar ... and he's the United States White House PRESS SECRETARY. He's incapable of answering obvious, expected questions from the press in any depth, and he lashes out at the reporters when they do their job of expecting him to do his job. And today -- just for good measure -- he added a whiff of impulsive racism to the festering stench of his professional and intellectual and personal and moral failings.

Sean Spicer is supposed to be conveying detailed information and contextual nuances and geopolitical relevancies from the White House to the Fourth Estate. Not making clumsy condiment references and racist condescensions. He's supposed to be helping shape the news using his informed intelligence. Not making the news because of his lack of it.

He's supposed to help us believe this administration isn't a catastrophically inept international embarrassment. Not prove it.

Sean Spicer's high-wire act

Bickering and lashing out when you've gotten yourself trapped in a corner is what toddlers do. And feral dogs. And now, Trump press secretaries. I understand his job is to defend the indefensible and explain the unexplainable, but nobody forced him to take the job, and getting defensive instead of answering questions like he's supposed to do just makes him more intellectually alarming and contemptible by the day. And to think, he gets free healthcare no matter how little he knows, how much he obstructs or how catastrophically he fails at what he does.

Via JoeMyGod: Watch through your microwave here

Sean Spicer is not aware anywhere

You're the PRESS SECRETARY. It's your job to NOT be "not aware" about major current events that you know damn well you'll be asked about when you actively invite questions from the PRESS at your own PRESS CONFERENCE.

It's almost like you don't know how to do your job. Or you're hiding something. Or you don't know how to do your job of hiding something convincingly. I'm gonna go with option 4: You're just here for the free healthcare.

Make yourself more aware than Sean Spicer here

Isn't it rich?

"I am very proud now that we have a museum on the National Mall where people can learn about Reverend King, so many other things, Frederick Douglass is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more, I notice."

--United States President Donald Trump, February 1, 2017.

“I think there’s contributions — I think he wants to highlight the contributions that he has made. And I think through a lot of the actions and statements that he’s going to make, I think the contributions of Frederick Douglass will become more and more.”
--White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, February 1, 2017.

It's called a lie

No, this isn't a gratuitous political attack. No, it isn't an overgeneralized, unresearched meme being blindly and irresponsibly passed along in an uncontrollable chain of self-righteous repostings. If you've never seen it before, it's actually an endlessly ubiquitous and years-old fill-in-the-dialogue cartoon that's been used quite regularly to illustrate and/or affectionately mock everything from Super Bowl rivalries to conversations with grammar purists ... admittedly along with much uglier topics.

The dialogue in this cartoon changes from topic to topic, month to month, year to year, but the image never does. Yes, it's a violent image. Yes, that violent image accompanies messages encapsulating what can be intensely heated and violently provocative disputes on any number of volatile topics. But even the most extreme outlier knows that the violence in this image is between two fictional cartoon characters who live in a fictional cartoon universe that's perpetually embroiled in a disproportionately overwhelming climate of physical violence ... and that that universe is depicted in comic books and movies and practically every facet of popular culture readily available to consumers of practically every age. So even the most desperate argument that the cartoon violence in this image is in any way special or inflammatory or irresponsible is ridiculous and ineffectively distracting and categorically unworthy of consideration.

So. On to the message.

Sean Spicer, the Trump administration's press secretary, held his first press conference last Saturday, a little more than 24 hours after Trump assumed the presidency. The press conference lasted an alarmingly -- and uselessly -- short five minutes, where instead of taking questions from the press, he parroted Trump's ponderous whining about the "dishonest" media and disturbingly spent the majority of his five minutes defensively obsessing about the size of the crowd at the inauguration the day before. He cited as "facts" his estimations of the crowd sizes on select platforms and areas of the Mall and the number of riders on the D.C. Metro, a figure that the transit authority promptly disputed. He dismissed the photo of the half-populated Mall printed in the New York Times as a "misrepresentation" without providing any proof or citing any quantifiable, representational population numbers.

And he provided this gem: "Inaccurate numbers involving crowd size were also tweeted. No one had numbers, because the National Park Service, which controls the National Mall, does not put any out."

Let me suss this out for you: He clearly stated -- with supporting evidence -- that "no one had numbers." Yet he prefaced that by declaring that those non-existent numbers were "inaccurate."

This rambling, uninformed, factually illiterate man who is demonstrably incapable of linear thought is the morally, financially and Constitutionally suspect Trump administration's most visible conduit to the entire Fourth Estate. And that is terrifying.

The next day, Kellyanne Conway, the Trump administration's senior advisor, went on record on NBC's "Meet the Press" in defense of Spicer's vague declarations, unquantifiable refutations and disputed statements about the inauguration crowd sizes. Which by this point were nothing more than a transparently calculated distraction from issues of real substance regarding the new administration.

But Conway was adamant about reframing the language -- the facts, if you will -- about this runaway narrative, and in the space of a minute she TWICE introduced to the American lexicon an instantly viral phrase:

"Sean Spicer, our press secretary, gave alternative facts."

And then:

"We feel compelled to go out and clear the air and put alternative facts out there."

Put alternative facts out there. PUT ALTERNATIVE FACTS OUT THERE.

Why is this important?

These are two highly senior, high-profile Trump surrogates who, before Trump even started his first official day in office, have clouded and obfuscated and obstructed the newly imperative national political dialogue with distractions, generalities, unquantifiabilities and demonstrable lies they're instantly reframing with even more distractingly ridiculous euphemisms. And there's no telling how far they'll go from here to obstruct Trump's much-heralded transparency when it becomes politically or suspiciously expedient to do so.

Donald Trump has a thoroughly documented history of lying and -- when challenged -- lying about his lies since the dawn of his presidential campaign. The moment he was inaugurated, his two most high-profile surrogates carried on his ignominious behavior and then concocted a euphemistic lie to cover their tracks.

This cartoon is arguably puerile and oversimplistic, but it all but literally smacks down the outer shell of the Trump administration's expanding nesting dolls of lies. It quickly captures attention, succinctly makes its point and provides an effective way to spread its message quickly.

It's a message people need to know. It's a message people need to understand. It's a message that offers people a vital understanding of the way the Trump administration behaves toward -- and about -- its citizens.

It's an administration that is already hiding its questionable behavior behind desperate, intellectually insulting euphemisms.

Because all it does is lie.