Finished! And my hip feels great! Seriously!

OHMYGODYAYYAYYAY! 

But now we’re stuck behind a damn train on the way home.

Seriously?

Three likes and one retweet? SERIOUSLY?

You and I both know this is pop-culture comedy GOLD, and I take umbrage at the implication that I'm somehow too old to know what all the bands are that the cool kids are listening to these days on their long-playing albums. Rude.

Melania! Melania!

I have to say, you look fabulous as always ... and you really know how to work the wet carpet. But all your drowning fans are literally dying to know: Who are you wearing?

"I will also be going to a wonderful state, Missouri, that I won by a lot in '16."

This POS "president" claims defiantly that Twitter is his "modern day presidential" channel for getting his unfiltered messages to the American people on his schedule and on his terms. He's tweeted a lot of his usual toddler vomit in the last 24 hours, but not once in that time has he used Twitter to even show a passing interest in acknowledging the human scale of suffering and devastation wrought by Hurricane Harvey -- or even in offering the thoughts and prayers that everyone knows he doesn't think or give. Yet he's used Twitter to announce that he'd pardoned a convicted racist and murderer who is coincidentally a political crony, to endorse a book that was ghost-written for someone who is also coincidentally a political crony, and to brag about a 10-month-old election win.

There is no clearer manifestation of his combined arrogance, ineptitude and catastrophic failure as a human being.

Heel never learn to spell

#Spelling
#HeelHitler
#HeelSpurs
#Leadership
#Presidenting
#Competency

Sucking at history: It's not just for reality TV failures anymore!

Yup

Our most-presidential president is faithfully carrying on his modern-day presidential tradition of forcing parents to have awkward conversations explaining to their kids what grabbing pussy means and then draining the swamp by surrounding himself with the best people who force parents to have awkward conversations explaining to their kids what sucking cock is. And that, in a nutshell, is the entirety of his fucking strength as a president.

Seriously?

WHY are we glorifying OJ Simpson by televising his appallingly softball parole hearing when we have a catastrophically inept, arrogantly treasonous dumpster fire of a presidency to expose and analyze and humiliate out of existence in the legitimate media?

Toddler twofer!

I know bitchy gossip queens who demonstrate more maturity and impulse control than our dumpster-fire simpleton of a president-in-name-only.

Today in Stupid: You don't even know what an I.Q. measures, dipshit

Judging from the comments on these posts, this is the epitome of tone and content that inflames the euphoric passions and defiant allegiances of your desperately subnormal base.

BUT YOU ARE UNFORTUNATELY FOR ALL OF US THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, and your lack of capacity for shame, judgment, maturity, impulse control, intelligence, ability and rudimentary adult behavior has turned our country into an international laughingstock that through what's left of our influence and economy is endangering political, financial and social systems around the world. You have a congress working overtime to strip affordable, vital healthcare from millions of poor sick people simply because it was given to them by a black man. You haven't bothered to fill hundreds of essential governmental positions from your cabinet to our country's global ambassadorships, which became an embarrassing liability when seven of our sailors were recently killed in a ship collision just outside of Japan. Your press secretary has escalated from literally hiding in bushes to escape the press that HE WAS HIRED TO ADDRESS to now banning cameras at the press briefings he manages to bumble through, while your congress has now blocked the press from talking to them in hallways. You keep deflecting the catastrophic failures you precipitate every time you breathe as "I inherited a mess" and you scream FAKE NEWS! like an uncontrollably shitting toddler every time your failures are brought to light. And instead of pulling yourself away from your grueling schedule of completely ignoring your wives and kids to fix any of this to the best of your feeble abilities, you tweet insults and gossip as though doing so were mature, appropriate, relevant, true or apparently in your disease-ravaged mind presidential.

Smart people hate you. Educated people hate you. Aware people hate you. Literate people hate you. Entire international populations hate you. The only people left who love or at best tolerate you are pants-wetting cretins who see their empty, meaningless, ugly, unfathomably stupid lives reflected in you.

Dude.

You're so desperate for any shred of proof that you're not a catastrophic implosive failure that you not only watch accredited political analyst Geraldo Rivera handicapping the inevitability of your impeachment on a fake news channel -- not even pausing long enough to comprehend the subtext that EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT YOUR IMPEACHMENT -- but you immediately retweet the story as some sort of de facto A-List celebrity endorsement of your honor and integrity and innocence without comment, context or insight, as though that's all you need to do to end the discussion once and for all.

Do you ENJOY being made fun of by a big ol' gay guy every day on Facebook, Twitter and his blog? Because I can keep this up longer than you can.

Today in Stupid: "Not expecting"?

Pity the whiny little liar here

The laughably manipulative poor-little-professional-victim daughter of "Lock her up!" and "Obama's a Muslim" and "Grab her by the pussy" and "total Muslim ban" man-boy is either catastrophically stupid or she's desperately hoping you are.

So are you, Trump supporters?

Kellyanne victims

I've seen "Obamacare victims" in other trumpaganda this week, so little Kellyanne here is just staying on (morally vile and intellectually repulsive) point like she was told to. But she can't even do it right. She just vomits together meaningless talking points without spending a half second to struggle with the non-complexities of context or voice or parallel and then waits by the pellet dispenser for her reward. She's so inept that she's inept at being inept. And she somehow keeps flaring up like a herpes outbreak or a meth relapse. But thankfully not as often as Hair Furor.

Only man-boy could turn the London attacks into an opportunistic advertisement for the American gun lobby

Knives and a truck

Every time I think he's hit the absolute moral bottom, he grabs a new shovel. Every time I think he's won the race to be the least presidential, he adds a five-mile sprint past the finish line. Every time I think there's no possible way for his words and actions and impulses and his very thoughts to demonstrate his abject, tone-deaf, non-linear, catastrophic imbecility, he sends a new tweet. Every time he's proven beyond all doubt that he's beholden above country to party, lobby and foreign manipulation, he clumsily confirms a deeper level of his selfish corruption. Every time it's crucial that he's there to do his job, he goes golfing.

Every time he sees an opportunity to exploit other people's tragedy for his own personal or political gain, he all but gleefully makes sure he squeezes out what in his puerile mind is the maximum return on his investment.

Every. Every. Every. Time.

Mental

Just because you've heard of the word genocide does NOT mean you should use it in any context other than to describe actual genocide. Aside from the fact that "mental genocide" makes no sense, comparing Kathy Griffin holding a plastic head covered in stage blood -- whether or not you agree with or even understand its underlying message -- to the mass slaughter of entire demographic populations makes you beneath levels of contempt you're clearly not remotely equipped to comprehend.

THE ECONOMY?

Not the humanity, but the ECONOMY. She's just as clumsy at tweeting blatant, opportunistic lies as her father -- though she's at least honest about her invested interest in the taxes we pay. I'd be offended by her cultural appropriation of the word pride in this context but only the most cretinist self-loathing gays will shout hooray to her bullshit so we'll know which ones to put on the icebergs that are crashing violently off the Antarctic ice shelf.

Jesus

He actually just took time out of his busy schedule of alienating us from the world in a bubble of unsustainable nationalism to tweet THIS again. It's the barely literate, jingoistic equivalent of a high-five emoji. And it's not entirely clear whether he's desperately trying to convince us or himself.

I've found more nuanced insight into multilateral arms diplomacy in my Kleenex

Some assembly required

Call the legitimate press that does legitimate reporting on your legitimate words and actions "fake news" long enough and fake thinkers will treat that dismissive characterization as fact.

Note the pro-Trump signs in the background of this photo. Note the almost daily screams of "fake news" on Trump's Twitter account alone regarding the legitimate media's reporting on Trump's words and actions. Note that the American population of racists, KKK members, and people who explicitly or tacitly endorse lynching and other forms of shut-up murder are measurably all in what's left of Trump's base.

Javier Valdez, a reporter covering government corruption and the illegal drug trade, two weeks ago became the fifth such journalist to be murdered execution-style in Mexico in two months.

There are lots of similar legitimate journalists in America infuriating the "fake news" population. There is lots of open enthusiasm from that population over Montana Republican House candidate Greg Gianforte body-slamming a reporter who asked him a question about the Republican healthcare bill just this week. There is overwhelmingly lots of influence -- legally, Constitutionally and culturally -- over this population by the disproportionately powerful American gun lobby.

And these people have access to lots of both literal and metaphorical rope.