This is totally immature but I’m totally too tired to care. Good night!

Flashback Friday: Fuckshit Edition

Has it been only a year? Here's what I wrote a year ago today to the puerile, diaper-shitting man-boy "president" of the party that just demanded "civility" from the thinking public: 

Judging from the comments on these posts, this is the epitome of tone and content that inflames the euphoric passions and defiant allegiances of your desperately subnormal base.

BUT YOU ARE UNFORTUNATELY FOR ALL OF US THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, and your lack of capacity for shame, judgment, maturity, impulse control, intelligence, ability and rudimentary adult behavior has turned our country into an international laughingstock that through what's left of our influence and economy is endangering political, financial and social systems around the world. You have a congress working overtime to strip affordable, vital healthcare from millions of poor sick people simply because it was given to them by a black man. You haven't bothered to fill hundreds of essential governmental positions from your cabinet to our country's global ambassadorships, which became an embarrassing liability when seven of our sailors were recently killed in a ship collision just outside of Japan. Your press secretary has escalated from literally hiding in bushes to escape the press that HE WAS HIRED TO ADDRESS to now banning cameras at the press briefings he manages to bumble through, while your congress has now blocked the press from talking to them in hallways. You keep deflecting the catastrophic failures you precipitate every time you breathe as "I inherited a mess" and you scream FAKE NEWS! like an uncontrollably shitting toddler every time your failures are brought to light. And instead of pulling yourself away from your grueling schedule of completely ignoring your wives and kids to fix any of this to the best of your feeble abilities, you tweet insults and gossip as though doing so were mature, appropriate, relevant, true or apparently in your disease-ravaged mind presidential.

Smart people hate you. Educated people hate you. Aware people hate you. Literate people hate you. Entire international populations hate you. The only people left who love or at best tolerate you are pants-wetting cretins who see their empty, meaningless, ugly, unfathomably stupid lives reflected in you.

I hope her death is long, painful and humiliating. And soon.

A fond remembrance of our old delicate-fucking-lotus-blossom neighbors

Five years ago right now, my now-ex and I were embroiled in an epic war launched by our downstairs neighbors whose delicate constitutions were incompatible with the deafening pitter-pats of the eight velvety kitten paws touching our floors. The neighbors retaliated by blaring explosion-filled video games on their TV speakers non-stop and filing a noise complaint with our condo board. I responded in kind with a manifesto destroying everything about them so blisteringly that they literally broke their lease and moved out within a month. (I must find that manifesto and post it here in the spirit of lingering pettiness. If I remember correctly, it’s quite a masterpiece of laser-focused vitriol.) 

Plus — in my benevolent due diligence — I bought us this gorgeous new kitten-silencing rug:

Steve King: Iowa’s Super-Awesomest Politician!

(*applause* *chants of “Go, Steve!”*)

You can tell by the way he uses numbers instead of two- and three-letter words that he always has his fingers (ew) on the pulse of the way we all talk in the national dialogue, yo. Plus it saves his valuable time so he can focus on representing us all with racist hate stuff! Plus it saves on pixels so it’s good for the Internet’s bottom line! End net neutrality! End AA!

(*applause* *chants of “Go, Steve!”*)

You do realize that putting random, pointless quotes around stuff makes you look illiterate, right?

Of course you don’t.

I. Am. Four.

The recent discovery of this meme has left me laughing way too long and way too hard for someone of my age, maturity and comportment:

Toddler twofer!

I know bitchy gossip queens who demonstrate more maturity and impulse control than our dumpster-fire simpleton of a president-in-name-only.

I'm so grossed out by what the world must think of us these last few months

And man-boy is rolling the CretinFest 2017 party bus into Cedar Rapids tomorrow. The whole city will be littered with ineptitude, hypocrisy and China-made pro-America hats by the time he oozes away. Gag.

Mental

Just because you've heard of the word genocide does NOT mean you should use it in any context other than to describe actual genocide. Aside from the fact that "mental genocide" makes no sense, comparing Kathy Griffin holding a plastic head covered in stage blood -- whether or not you agree with or even understand its underlying message -- to the mass slaughter of entire demographic populations makes you beneath levels of contempt you're clearly not remotely equipped to comprehend.

I condone none of this

It's horrific to contemplate. It's repulsive to look at. But it is worldwide news today.

And if you chose to dismiss across-the-country lynchings and burnings of Barack Obama in effigy eight years ago as "free speech," you have disqualified yourself from ANY discussion of Kathy Griffin's reprehensible stunt today.