#BitchKittyCode

Step 1. Display soft tummy to the fully-conditioned-to-be-apprehensive Jake Monster in the most inviting, eminently pettable way that is catly possible

Step 2. Endure the inhumane humiliation and (let’s be frank) abject horror of having tummy tentatively rubbed 5.3 times by the fearsome, repulsive Jake Monster

Step 3. Hiss and swat at the Jake Monster’s fully-conditioned-to-pull-away-in-what-is-no-longer-alarm hand

Step 4. Retreat to the Prison Of Both Your Own Psychopathy And Vintage Ethan Allen Duxbury Dining Room Set

Step 5. Center self perfectly under the end vintage-Ethan-Allen-Duxbury-dining-room-set chair and glare threateningly but unwillingly adorably at the fearsome, repulsive Jake Monster’s iPhone camera to be mocked humiliatingly but uncontainably in a surprisingly well-composed photo on social media.

I want to wash my hands, my face and hair with snow

I awoke from my restorative nap having dreamt that I was allowed to take three final selfies against three backgrounds of my choice in the prison ballroom before being incarcerated.

Then I woke up and shoveled the driveway and took a selfie against this six-foot mountain of snow that the street plows made across from our house.

The only difference is I didn’t get to wear a sexy orange jumpsuit.

RIP John Kelly

Extreme Vetting + Only The Best People still hasn’t given us a bingo though.

And shouldn’t this be in 3D so they can put bars over the Best People going to prison?

$16.20 on Amazon if he doesn't send you one for free!

She had it comin'

Welp

Apparently I’m staying in the basement all day today. Or bleeding out in a pile of eviscerated flesh at the top of the stairs.

#BitchKittyPrisonBitch

Don’t forget to turn your clocks forward tonight to get us all one hour closer to the impeachment and incarcerations

Seriously?

WHY are we glorifying OJ Simpson by televising his appallingly softball parole hearing when we have a catastrophically inept, arrogantly treasonous dumpster fire of a presidency to expose and analyze and humiliate out of existence in the legitimate media?