OMG

Hiss! Pfffft!

Seven years ago right now, my now-ex and I were embroiled in an epic war launched by our downstairs neighbors whose delicate constitutions were incompatible with the deafening pitter-pats of eight velvety kitten paws touching our floors. The neighbors retaliated by blaring explosion-filled video games on their TV speakers non-stop and filing a noise complaint with our condo board—after pissing off the board president by putting a passive-aggressive note on his windshield because they were unable to tolerate the way he parked within the lines of his own parking spot. I responded to their complaint with a full-artillery manifesto destroying everything about them so blisteringly that they literally broke their lease and moved out within a month. (I must find that manifesto and post it here in the spirit of lingering pettiness. If I remember correctly, it’s quite a masterpiece of laser-focused vitriol.) But as a lovely benefit from all this drama, to show my due diligence in attempting to quell the deafening pitter-pats of eight velvety kitten paws thundering through our floors, I bought us this gorgeous pitter-pat-silencing rug:

Remember a year ago when Derp Fuhrer couldn't spell the media he whines 25/8 about?

He's been absolutely smockin' on his spelling tests since then.

The Kaine-Pence VP debate was two years ago tonight

Facebook just reminded me that I live-blogged my incredulous condescension toward the hypocritical vile-queen evil that is Mike Pence as I watched. Looking back, I seemed to be preternaturally composed:

8:15 PM
Pence sure is good at changing the subject to avoid answering an awkward question. I'll give him that.

8:37 PM
Pence seems alarmingly controlled -- which is quite an accomplishment given that his biggest challenge is to spin Donald's worm shit into silk.

8:52 PM
"Basket of deplorables" does NOT equal an "insult-driven campaign," Pence. But it was cute of you to act like your tender lotus-blossom feelings got hurt over it. Kaine gave you a mile-long list of shit that's sprayed daily out of Trump's for-real insult-driven campaign and "basket of deplorables" is all you can come up with as a response? FAIL.

9:04 PM
"If you don't know the difference between a dictatorship and leadership, then you need to go back to a fifth-grade civics class." Nicely played, Kaine. Except I would have ended with a more withering insult. Seriously. Hire me to write your speeches. I have a degree in wither.

9:10 PM
Seriously, Pence? "That was beneath you and Hillary Clinton"? You and Trump are the national grand champions on going sewer-level low. You have zero credibility for trying to look like you've ever taken a high road in your life.

9:16 PM
ENOUGH with the butthurt whimpering, Pence. Reciting televised Trump quotes and lists of documented facts is NOT an "insult-driven campaign," no matter how loudly you whine that it is.

9:30 PM
NOBODY wants abortions, Mike. Don't make it sound like you protect life and Democrats feed on the souls of dead babies. We ALL want fewer unwanted pregnancies, which in turn would result in fewer abortions. Hillary herself has said as much on the Senate floor.

While I REALLY don’t want to think about Steve King plugging men, I’m sure he hates the implication that he does

He’s responding here to someone who was praising men’s “god-given strength, agility and willingness” to rescue the kids in the mine at the expense of women, who are in comparison weak and incapable:

And it’s people WHO, dumbass

The fucking little bitch is probably going to fucking block me

Dotard whines pants-wettingly about the media 25/8

Sadly, rudimentary spelling of the word still escapes him.

Today in Stupid: Whatever. And fuck off.

Get your full helping of whiny bullshit here

So stop your whiny, pants-wetting, transparently manufactured shock and quit already. If it took you until well after you started working for Fox News to realize that "Fox feels like an extension of the Trump White House" and suddenly get "embarrassed" to work there, you're somehow actually stupider than you look on TV. You know damn well what kind of hyper-partisan lies the Fox crap machine splats all over the globe on an hourly basis, and that's exactly why you started working there in the first place. So why are you GIVING INTERVIEWS TO CNN -- the primary network you and your dotard scream ad nauseam is nothing but "FAKE NEWS!" -- now that your integrity diaper needs changing? Save your amateur I'm-so-shocked dramatics for your toxically ignorant viewers.

Meanwhile, back in I'mTooBusyPresidentingToWatchTVLand ...

Sucking at history: It's not just for reality TV failures anymore!

Modern-day presidential

You want "extreme vetting" of millions of immigrants but you can't even look up from your golf clubs long enough to figure out how to do cursory drive-by vetting of your top officials. Though you find plenty of time to whine on Twitter about how your professional, moral and personal catastrophic failures aren't your fault. You suck as a president, you suck as a leader, you suck as a judge of character, you suck as a thinker, you suck as a human, you suck as a husband and father, and you especially suck at sucking at everything. There is more value in my toilet than in the entirety of your existence. Gather up all your "best people" and stand in front of your "Second Amendment people" and finally bring your inevitable bloody end to all your sucking bullshit. You owe us.

I forgot to post this bitchy twofer yesterday

I hope I'm not too late and he's suddenly become competent. Boy, would THAT be embarrassing.

Today in Stupid: You don't even know what an I.Q. measures, dipshit

Judging from the comments on these posts, this is the epitome of tone and content that inflames the euphoric passions and defiant allegiances of your desperately subnormal base.

BUT YOU ARE UNFORTUNATELY FOR ALL OF US THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, and your lack of capacity for shame, judgment, maturity, impulse control, intelligence, ability and rudimentary adult behavior has turned our country into an international laughingstock that through what's left of our influence and economy is endangering political, financial and social systems around the world. You have a congress working overtime to strip affordable, vital healthcare from millions of poor sick people simply because it was given to them by a black man. You haven't bothered to fill hundreds of essential governmental positions from your cabinet to our country's global ambassadorships, which became an embarrassing liability when seven of our sailors were recently killed in a ship collision just outside of Japan. Your press secretary has escalated from literally hiding in bushes to escape the press that HE WAS HIRED TO ADDRESS to now banning cameras at the press briefings he manages to bumble through, while your congress has now blocked the press from talking to them in hallways. You keep deflecting the catastrophic failures you precipitate every time you breathe as "I inherited a mess" and you scream FAKE NEWS! like an uncontrollably shitting toddler every time your failures are brought to light. And instead of pulling yourself away from your grueling schedule of completely ignoring your wives and kids to fix any of this to the best of your feeble abilities, you tweet insults and gossip as though doing so were mature, appropriate, relevant, true or apparently in your disease-ravaged mind presidential.

Smart people hate you. Educated people hate you. Aware people hate you. Literate people hate you. Entire international populations hate you. The only people left who love or at best tolerate you are pants-wetting cretins who see their empty, meaningless, ugly, unfathomably stupid lives reflected in you.

Fucking whiny sociopathic worthless piece of shit man-boy failure

Crooked H?

How is destroying a phone with a hammer obstruction? You're never gonna make "bleached emails" happen. Your AG apparently can't remember the last time he went to the bathroom, but he definitely knows he didn't talk about Russia in two meetings he doesn't remember being in. And I'd enjoy watching your arrogant delusions come crashing down and eating you alive a whole lot more if you hadn't stolen my rap name.

Multiple question marks? His narcissistic delusions are escalating.

You are so easy to ridicule that I feel obligated to tell you that "ridicule" means "make fun of"

Jeez

I'm beginning to think you don't know how to run a country. Or understand democracy. Or remember Mitch McConnell's "proudest moment." Or tell the truth. Or not whine. Or drain a metaphorical swamp. Or define "metaphor." Or probably even flush a toilet. It's like you're a petulant, inarticulate man-boy or something.

Selfie therapy

So when there's suddenly a handsome new pharmacist at the drive-through and he sees your tattoo and asks you tons and tons and tons of questions about it even though there's a HUGE line of cars waiting behind you and then he makes what you hope is more-than-just-chatty small talk as he rings up your four prescriptions and then he proceeds to ask you the perfunctory questions about each prescription that you and he both know only get asked when your dosages change which you and he both know they haven't and as he finally puts the bags of your meds in that little drawer that slides out to your car he brings up the tattoo again and you look and he doesn't have a ring but he does have a pretty spectacular smile and wow does he have a cheerful buoyant personality and you think if he just trimmed his beard a little he'd look great in the wedding pictures and he clearly already has all the information he needs to figure out you're bipolar so he'd know what he's getting into and then you're both totally out of things to say short of one of you awkwardly blurting out an invitation to dinner so you have to drive away and you have no reason to hopefully see him for another month, would you go get back in line for the drive-through and throw caution and possibly even dignity to the wind and awkwardly blurt out that invitation to dinner? Because I sat in my car in the parking lot for a while seriously thinking about it.

But instead I came home and took a shamelessly flexy selfie of the tattoo that started the conversation that got me all aflutter because I don't know why because I didn't know what to do. Sigh.