Live-blogging the debates

Pete: I don’t feel like you’re getting a fair amount of screen time tonight.

Kamala: I feel like you’re getting even less.

Joe: You stutter and stammer like you’ve spent all of seven seconds preparing for this debate.

Beto: You’re still here?

Elizabeth: I normally love you but you seem a little stabby toward people tonight. It’s beneath you.

Andrew: Decriminalize opioids? I think that’s going to require a little more nuance to sell as a viable policy proposal.

Anderson: CALL ME.

Tulsi: No.

Anderson: WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED?

Pete: Your lashing-out at Beto about courage is out of character for you.

Cory: I always agree with you, I always like you ... but I can never find anything interesting to say about you.

Julián: I always agree with you, I always like you ... but I can never find anything interesting to say about you.

Amy: Why did your people just call us in the middle of the debate? Are they not watching you right now?

Everyone: You’re all a little wobbly at directly answering the questions you’re asked.

Bernie: I pretty much always agree with you. But you’re yelly and disconcertingly old and please groom someone younger and less abrasive to carry your torch.

Tom: I’m wary of the personal influence of your personal wealth on your policies, so I’m equally wary of your populist messages. But I’m listening ...

Everyone: Please shut up when your time is up.

Joe: I admire and appreciate your vast political experience, but more and more it feels like it’s creating baggage and distraction.

Tulsi: No.

Andrew: You’re an example of how a REAL businessman knows REAL things and how they can thoughtfully, practically, REALLY work. I have faith in you.

Ron Reagan: Ballsy ad buy.

Elizabeth: I greatly admire your knowledge, intelligence and preparedness. You set the bar high.

Tom: YES! Take on trump and crush the shithole.

Cory: Nice dig at trump’s health. I hope he chokes on his bile and dies.

Marianne: Why aren’t you here tonight? Too weird?

Joe: You meander and stumble like a trump when you talk. I’m concerned.

Kamala: You’re so freaking smart and I love your take-no-bullshit prosecuting-attorneyness. I’d be proud to call you President.

Pete: I’d still be prouder to call YOU President.

Anderson: I DON’T CARE IF YOU’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF MODERATING A DEBATE. YOU OWE ME A CALL. I’M NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER OR PRETTIER HERE.

Pete: How did I miss your proposal to expand the Supreme Court? I’m skeptical, but I believe in you and your thinking so I’m listening ...

IS IT ME OR DOES PETE KEEP GETTING CUT OFF SOONER THAN EVERYONE ELSE WHEN HE GETS TIME TO SPEAK? IS HE BEING PENALIZED FOR HAVING THE MOST ADORABLE HUSBAND?

Pete: “That’s not how donald trump got within cheating distance of the White House in the first place.” I LOVE YOU.

I have to pee and I’m tired. I may have to cut this short. Tell me if I miss a big splashy production number or something at the end.

FINAL DEBATE TAKEAWAYS:

• Pete is the co-winner with his calming, authoritative presence and genuine affability
• Kamala is the co-winner with her commanding presence and emotional connection
• Bernie and Biden seem like yelly old men
• Eric Swalwell: I’m 100% on board with your assault-weapon-buyback proposal
• “Two words down the line” means TWO WORDS
• Shut up, Bernie
• Just shut up
• Marianne Williamson: You’re just ... odd
• I’m officially tired of old politicians. Bring on the young people and their fresh perspectives and ideas for fixing what the old folks can’t seem to stop fucking up!
• Shut up, Bernie
• 19 Democratic candidates. If there’s one good thing that stable genius has accomplished, it’s inspiring this wave of young, smart, skilled, competent people who all seem genuinely committed to repairing and reinvigorating our tattered country
• Kamala: Nice plug for your web site!
• Pete: Your closing statement is just ... everything

EARLY DEBATE TAKEAWAYS:

• Tonight is WAY more spirited than last night

• I hate to play the “likable” card, but though I love a lot of what Bernie says I’m having a hard time liking him
• Oh, Pete. Pete, Pete, Pete. Why are you so awesome?
• You KNOW SHIT. You give thoughtful, meaningful, nuanced, practical answers to every question, you explain yourself amicably like you’re having a conversation with a friend, AND you politely stay within your allotted time. If you were gay I’d totally marry you.
• Kamala Harris: Play your Personal Integration History card loud and clear! It keeps you real and authoritative and I have great admiration for you.
• John Hickenlooper: You seem kind of deer-in-the-headlights when you get asked questions
• Plus you kind of look like a poorly embalmed corpse
• Marianne Williamson: I’ve never heard of you, but I feel like you should be singing your answers with a guitar and flowery headband
• Joe Biden: I remember when you made so many awkward gaffes at the beginning of the Obama administration that after a few months they quietly kept you hidden behind the bougainvillea.
• You haven’t stopped doing goofy shit that your opponents are going to feast on. You’re your own worst liability.
• Pete and Kamala almost drove themselves to tears talking about their most impassioned issues. LET’S JUST ALL AGREE NOW THEY SHOULD RUN TOGETHER.
• Eric Swalwell: I like you. I like what you think. But I instantly forget you every time someone else talks.
• Kamala Harris is getting lots of good TV time, but she’s squandering it on in-the-weeds anecdotes at the expense of articulating broader concepts and issues
• Andrew Yang: You’re smart. You’re capable. But your droopy Q rating is unfortunately going to sink you.
• Michael Bennet: I loved A Chorus Line
• That Anti-Biden commercial. OUCH.

I had to cancel yesterday’s run because I had a pretty epic headache relapse that kept me in bed until noon

And because my hair looked too nice for my ritual selfie. Thankfully the headache dissipated as quickly as it powered up and I was able to go to work and paint woodwork and swoon over Corey Booker.

But now my head feels great and my hair is a disaster (coincidence?) and it’s life-suckingly humid and I have three miles to run!

KEY DEBATE TAKEAWAYS:

• Corey Booker answers his own damn questions

• Gay people are citizens who de facto deserve to be treated as such and not as pawns in manipulative political theater
• Mitch McConnell is universally regarded as a drug-resistant-syphilis public-health outbreak that needs to be quarantined and annihilated
• Rachel Maddow: I would happily turn lesbian if you’d please marry me
• Nobody’s afraid to play the Let Me Tell You About This Devastatingly Horrible Personal Tragedy That Happened To Me And/Or My Family card
• One unexpected side benefit of this bountiful diversity of candidates: It’s so much easier to differentiate among people when they’re not all wrinkly old white men
• John Delaney: Just fucking shut up when you’re told to
• Tulsi Gabbard: I predict you’ll be voted off the island first
• I find myself feeling WAY more confident in people who have military experience
• Seth Moulton: Well-placed ad buy right before the closing statements!
• Julián Castro: Your bilingual demonstrations are awesome and I wholeheartedly applaud them both for what they celebrate and for whom they piss off but they come off as staged and gimmicky and maybe you should practice them in front of the mirror so they feel more natural
• Amy Klobuchar: You performed better than I’d expected—I’m sorry I undersold you to myself and I promise I’ll pay more attention going forward
• Beto O’Rourke and Corey Booker: Your passion and intelligence and thoughtfulness make you my front-runners of this debate
• Shit—I feel the same about Elizabeth Warren
• THERE ARE TOO MANY AWESOME CHOICES HERE—this is such a profoundly impressive bunch of people and intellects and perspectives
• Taking turns isn’t anybody’s strong suit
• But I LOVE the overall spirit of respect and universal commitment to our country’s best interests
• And it’s so thrilling to hear people talk in informed, coherent, meaningful sentences
• THAT I can tell you

Nineteen—NINETEEN!—Democratic Presidential nominees are in my home town right now

They're here to hold individual rallies and then a civilized, intelligent, productive, meaningful debate at our US Cellular Center this afternoon. I just walked through our beautiful downtown from the Pete Buttegieg rally to the street outside the convention center where the supporters of each candidate are joyfully chanting and cheering and holding signs and high-fiving everyone who walks by—including me in my BOOT EDGE EDGE shirt—and I’ve never been prouder to be a Cedar Rapidian and a progressive and a citizen of a country that DOES have hope and DOES have joy and DOES embrace civic responsibility and DOES FINALLY SEE A WAY OUT OF THIS HELLISH DOTARD NUCLEAR DUMPSTER FIRE.

Speaking of, the last time man-boy dotard stable genius brokeahontis held an emotionally needy rally here, I stood in this exact same spot and watched multiple people walk by me carrying Confederate and Nazi flags on their way in. I don’t even have to point out that there are none here today.

Has it really been only three years? It feels like billions and billions.

Presidential Hillary's second debate with Snifflin' Don was two years ago tonight

Facebook just reminded me that I live-blogged the entire Eminent Capability vs Syphilitic Dumpster Fire Smackdown! in real time:

8:06 PM
Hillary didn't shake his hand. Probably because who knows where it's been.

8:12 PM
Locker-room talk --> ISIS. It's a logical progression.

8:16 PM
"It's just words." It's more like Mental Illness Theater.

8:38 PM
Hillary delivers a thoughtful, nuanced organized, detail-focused description of what is and isn't working in the ACA. Donald just repeats the word "disaster" and says he's going to do "something" about it. Oh, and that he has "plans." And that it's a "disaster." Sniff.

8:51 PM
"She just went 25 seconds over her time limit." And she stole my favorite toy. Waaaah. Sniff.

8:58 PM
"Carried interest." When did Trump learn an economy word? I just got a tiny (which is the opposite of "bigly") bit of respect for his math tutor.

9:04 PM
"I understand taxes better than anyone in this country." Then why do you use tax accountants? Compared to your stated genius, their ineptitude must be frustrating.

9:19 PM
Once again, Hillary is talking in thoughtfully nuanced paragraphs to answer the question about what she would do about the humanitarian crisis in Syria. Trump just calls her a "disaster" and has to be re-asked the question TWICE plus have the subject patiently explained to him by Martha Raddatz and he not only can't answer the question but he says he's never even talked about it with his running mate. HOLY SHIT.

9:22 PM
I'm chugging a shot of Trump Vodka every time he says "disaster." So far I've downed three bottles but it's such shitty vodka all it's done is make me have to pee.

9:31 PM
There are three people in my life I don't want to feel smarter than: my boss, my doctor and my president. I have an awesome boss, I have a brilliant doctor ... but I'm facing the prospect of having a syphilitic (sniff) psychopathic passive-aggressive imbecile in Mr. Pumpkin makeup as a president. Sniff.

9:46 PM
The question is in two parts, Donald: How to meet our energy needs and how to do it without damaging the environment. Your only answer is deregulation ... with a couple passive-aggressive jabs at Hillary. Oh, and speaking of Hillary, she efficiently answers both questions in a thoughtful, informed, articulated set of paragraphs.

The Kaine-Pence VP debate was two years ago tonight

Facebook just reminded me that I live-blogged my incredulous condescension toward the hypocritical vile-queen evil that is Mike Pence as I watched. Looking back, I seemed to be preternaturally composed:

8:15 PM
Pence sure is good at changing the subject to avoid answering an awkward question. I'll give him that.

8:37 PM
Pence seems alarmingly controlled -- which is quite an accomplishment given that his biggest challenge is to spin Donald's worm shit into silk.

8:52 PM
"Basket of deplorables" does NOT equal an "insult-driven campaign," Pence. But it was cute of you to act like your tender lotus-blossom feelings got hurt over it. Kaine gave you a mile-long list of shit that's sprayed daily out of Trump's for-real insult-driven campaign and "basket of deplorables" is all you can come up with as a response? FAIL.

9:04 PM
"If you don't know the difference between a dictatorship and leadership, then you need to go back to a fifth-grade civics class." Nicely played, Kaine. Except I would have ended with a more withering insult. Seriously. Hire me to write your speeches. I have a degree in wither.

9:10 PM
Seriously, Pence? "That was beneath you and Hillary Clinton"? You and Trump are the national grand champions on going sewer-level low. You have zero credibility for trying to look like you've ever taken a high road in your life.

9:16 PM
ENOUGH with the butthurt whimpering, Pence. Reciting televised Trump quotes and lists of documented facts is NOT an "insult-driven campaign," no matter how loudly you whine that it is.

9:30 PM
NOBODY wants abortions, Mike. Don't make it sound like you protect life and Democrats feed on the souls of dead babies. We ALL want fewer unwanted pregnancies, which in turn would result in fewer abortions. Hillary herself has said as much on the Senate floor.

The Hillary/Horse'sAss debate was two years ago today

Facebook memories shows that I live-blogged my color commentary as I watched it. I didn't realize Snifflin' Don's "very good people" blather has been an established through line in the fiction of his presidency.

The highlights:

8:24 pm
Hillary's talking in paragraphs. Donald's just yelling the same interruptions over and over. #SniffingDonald #SniffleGate #TrumpTrainWreck

8:35 pm
"Trumped-Up Trickle Down" gets points for alliteration and conceptual clarity, but it's too rhythmically bumpy to catch on. My money's on "Deplorable Don." #SnifflingDonald #SniffleGate #TrumpTrainWreck

8:44 pm
When did #SnifflingDonald suddenly get interested in infrastructure? That's a four-syllable word. And it's nothing he can electroplate with gold and slap his name on in seven-foot letters. #SniffleGate #TrumpTrainWreck

8:48 pm
"Law and Order"! He finally said it. Now I can mark it off on my bingo card. Next up? My money's on "The Generals." #SnifflingDonald #SniffleGate

9:00 pm
UGH. Here we go again. The NRA is "very very good people and they're protecting the Second Amendment." Since when do "very very good people" insist that "a well-regulated militia" means "citizens with assault rifles"? That's bastardizing the Second Amendment, not protecting it. Only an anus-lipped sociopath would confuse "bastardizing" with "protecting."

9:06 pm
Birther bullshit? Still? It was--and continues to be--a meaningless distraction for people too stupid and lazy to understand NATO. But it does have the bonus benefit of being a convenient code for helping sentient people suss out racists. #SnifflingDonald #SniffleGate #TrumpTrainWreck

9:25 pm
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. #SnifflingDonald just spent 90 seconds yelling like a feral boob monkey about his temperament! And also his temperament! Plus his temperament! #SniffleGate #TrumpTrainWreck

9:36 pm
"She doesn't have the stamina," says the guy hemorrhaging snot like a man with end-stage syphilis. #SnifflingDonald #DeplorableDonald #SniffleGate #TrumpTrainWreck

9:46 pm
#SnifflingDonald postulates that the DNC could have been hacked by "someone sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds." What does it matter how much the bed weighs? #SniffleGate #TrumpTrainWreck

2018
Look! I made a calendar that says I didn't rape anybody for a whole month in college! (Oops. That was Kavanaugh. I get my rapists mixed up sometimes.)

Apparently there was a presidential debate a year ago today

Apparently I live-blogged stuff like the below paragraph as I watched it because there are tons of similar angry, dumbfounded posts in my Facebook memories today, and apparently the debate was -- in the pussy-grabber's own ad-nauseam repeated attempts at talking -- a "disaster."

Once again, Hillary is talking in thoughtfully nuanced paragraphs to answer the question about what she would do about the humanitarian crisis in Syria. Trump just calls her a "disaster" and has to be re-asked the question TWICE plus have the subject patiently explained to him by Martha Raddatz and he not only can't answer the question but he says he's never even talked about it with his running mate. HOLY SHIT.
If only Dotard McCovfefe had given us some sort of sign a year ago that he was a catastrophically incompetent psychopath, maybe we'd have a president today who can locate Puerto Rico on a map.