His full name is Charles Entertainment Cheese

There. Now that's a thing you know.

The New Yorker + punctuation + mothers + education + gay stuff + manufactured holidays = THE PERFECT MOTHER’S (in my case) DAY POST!

On this holy and widely celebrated National Grammar Day,

let us pause—using the punctuation of our choice—to give thanks that the holiday’s name has been shortened from the National Violent, Racist Grammar Day that was established in the bygone era of this venerable childhood grammar primer that up with which my mom grew.

#TheMoreYouKnow

Welp

It’s back again: that awkward 61-day stretch where I can never remember if the month is 8 or 9.

FUN FARM FACT!

When a corn seed gets planted but doesn’t grow into a stalk of corn with his other little corn-seed buddies and instead waits to grow into a stalk of corn the next summer when the farmer has rotated into planting soybeans, he’s called VOLUNTEER CORN.

#TheMoreYouKnow (sparklystar!)

Cake I like

1. I just left the 150th anniversary celebration/reunion of alumni of the University of Iowa’s Daily Iowan newspaper

2. Which has been and continues to be one of the country’s foremost influential and innovation-vanguard college newspapers
3. With AP accreditation and everything
4. As you might have inferred from my use of the word alumni in point 1, I worked there when I attended the University of Iowa
5. First as a copy editor
6. Which means proofreading and fact-checking nerd
7. Then as copy desk editor
8. Which means head proofreading and fact-checking nerd
9. I got paid to correct people’s grammar
10. And brutally curtail their garish use of excessive, showy punctuation
11. Grammar. Nerd. Power. Trip.
12. Though this probably explains why I’m single and living in my parents’ basement at the age of 50
13. And destined to die alone
14. I also wrote a weekly grammar column for the Daily Iowan
15. Seriously
16. It was called "That Grammar Guy"
17. The name was inspired by the TV show That Girl
18. I am not making this up
19. It used bizarre humor, recurring characters—including a cat named Xanthippe—and my own—hopefully funny—mnemonic devices to explain English grammar
20. Xanthippe was Socrates’ wife
21. But I used the name because I thought it was funny and not for its ties to any concept of learning
22. Mnemonic means "memory-aiding"
23. The m is silent
24. The first one, I mean
25. You’re welcome
26. Anyway ...
27. "That Grammar Guy" ran in the Daily Iowan every Monday for two years
28. I got fan mail
29. Mostly from foreign students who were struggling to learn our crazy-ass melting-pot language
30. I also reviewed theater, music and dance for the Daily Iowan
31. So my work there was both nerdy and gay
32. In my capacity as copy desk editor, I hired my brilliant and delightful friend Annette
33. I got to sit next to her at tonight’s dinner
34. Where it occurred to me that everyone in the room—and every career path we represented—was there based on an intricate genealogy of hiring decisions
35. Mind. Blown.
36. I also sat by my friend Tad, who is at least four years younger than I am
37. We didn’t work together at the DI, so I have no proof that he wasn’t at tonight’s dinner just for the pork and the really delicious ranch dressing
38. Speaking of, I didn’t notice until after I sat at our table that each seat had been pre-assigned a random dessert selection
39. I’m glad I accidentally sat in front of the chocolate cake, because it was insanely delicious
40. I noticed early on that Annette probably wasn’t going to finish hers, and I will go to my grave regretting that I did not ask her if I could have it if she was done ignoring its insane deliciousness
41. My running buddy Rob was also at our table but he left before the evening’s program was over so I barred him from being in our post-program group selfie
42. Long-lost friend Jamie wasn’t at our table but he came over to say hi after the program so he’s my new selfie buddy in place of Leavin’ Rob
43. The keynote speaker for the program was a man who hadn’t given me a job right after I’d graduated from college
44. EVEN THOUGH WE WERE BOTH IN THE ETERNAL BROTHERHOOD OF THE IOWAN THAT IS DAILY
45. But he told a story about marketing tampons to young Russian women tonight, so I guess it’s time I forgave and forgot
46. Tampons
47. Russian women
48. Yes, THAT old cliché
49. So there was this one guy who wrote editorials at the DI when I was there
50. Dark hair, lean, handsome, smart, old-money patrician air
51. Did I mention handsome?
52. This might surprise you given the dearth of hints I’ve provided leading up to this bombshell, but I had a huge crush on him
53. Especially on the days when he wore shorts
54. The crush was so eternal and all-consuming that I’ve completely forgotten his name by now
55. But obviously not his legs
56. This did not stop me, however, from hoping he’d be there tonight
57. And that we’d flirt awkwardly
58. Which is the only way I know how to
59. And then we’d totally make out
60. Oops. Did I just say that?
61. And then instead of sitting here typing this endless post, I’d be marrying him in the DI newsroom
62. With everyone at the reunion cheering for us
63. And fighting each other for exclusive coverage of our wedding
64. (We are all newspaper people, of course)
65. And, of course, in this scenario I’d also get Annette’s leftover cake
66. Plus everyone else’s
67. Because I’m one of the grooms and DON’T RUIN MY BIG DAY BY EATING ALL MY CAKE, PEOPLE
68. Sheesh
69. Journalism people, amirite?
70. Anyway, I didn’t see anyone there tonight who looked like him
71. But none of the guys had any legs out for inspection
72. So here I sit, writing this long-ass post instead
73. Which I’d kinda hoped would stretch to 150 points
74. Because it’s the 150th anniversary of the paper
75. But no

The week in memes

This stabble genus musta missed Spelling Day at Trump University:

Her hand clenching a sweat-stained burner cell phone and her neck limber and fully rotational as she scours her habitat searching for black people exhibiting the brazen audacity to exist in the suffocating mire of her personal magasphere, she crunches her face in a bitter rictus and brays in her deafening shriek about her white-shaming victimization. Even though she’s not actually capable of making it all the way through five-syllable words like victimization.

This stabble genus musta missed Spelling Day at Trump University:

Her hand clenching a sweat-stained burner cell phone and her neck limber and fully rotational as she scours her habitat searching for black people exhibiting the brazen audacity to exist in the suffocating mire of her personal magasphere, she crunches her face in a bitter rictus and brays in her deafening shriek about her white-shaming victimization. Even though she’s not actually capable of making it all the way through five-syllable words like victimization.

Make Aducation Great Again!

EVERY CALLER EVER TO CALL NPR/WBEZ'S ON POINT:

[audio delay] [extra pause just to set the sage for sounding stupid] Hello! Um ... ah ... thanks for ta ... I love your show and thanks for taking my call ... so I just have one thi ... well, two things so I'll make it quick ... um ... ah ... thanks for taking my call ... so in regards to what the last person just said ... and I'll be real quick about thi ... um ... ah ... I have no idea what I'm talking about ... and I've made no effort to educate myself beyond my own insular experience ... it's a miracle I'm even listening to this show today ... and it's an even bigger miracle that I've taken the initiative to listen for your phone number in the middle of all my not paying attention ... um ... ah ... but I'm going to sound off anyway ... thanks for taking my call ... and I'll be real quick about this ...

LiDur oV tHu fRie WurLd

Betsy DeVos has released her search history to show that she did as much research as she could think of to prepare for her 60 Minutes interview

Aloha!

My intrepid, brilliant, humanitarian-minded niece is as we speak flying to Guatemala with her Spanish class to do community service work and then explore the country from the valleys to the volcanoes. Meanwhile, her white, privileged, North American-insular, US-resident uncle has found himself humbly obligated to do some googling to learn that Guatemala is NOT, in fact, in South America but is five countries north of Panama on the Pacific side of the narrowing continent.

Fun fact: Guatemala is also in the central time zone—though it doesn’t have stupid Daylight Savings Time, so I’m sure my niece and her Spanish class have wicked jet lag. ¡Qué lástima!

CheckMATE, flat-earthers!

Sweet 16!

Happy 16th birthday to my delightful niece, who has grown from being a squirmy toddler who refused to be snuggled to an adorable little girl who charmed everyone into giving her cookies and hosted clown- and cheerleader-themed birthday parties to an inquisitive student who’s rocked at basketball and tennis and cello and show choir and debate to a kind, talented, brilliant young woman whose passions for academics and social justice (and I suppose I should mention the Dodgers) inspire all of us to be better people.

Respect

WARNING: If you're too delicate to handle the language I choose to express my white-hot fury at our puerile dotard and the ways he's destroying our country, I don't want to hear about it.

Trump's incessant, braying tweets and Pence's gratuitously manufactured stunt claiming patriotic indignation over American citizens kneeling during the National Anthem are a collective bullshit argument that serves three purposes:

• To redirect the narrative from peaceful protests against America's systemic racism to a "disrespectful" war against the flag, veterans and the soul of America itself -- all of which tacitly propagates the same racism by deliberately ignoring the simple-to-understand purpose of these Constitutionally protected protests
• To serve as a desperate distraction from the sometimes hourly revelations about Dotard's corrupt, psychopathic, imploding clusterfuck administration and what it's already done to our standing around the world
• To inflame the passions of what's left of Dotard's pants-wetting dipshit voter base that's too proudly racist and too defiantly uneducated to do anything but cheer that their racist hatred and toxic ignorance are somehow finally being rewarded and construed as patriotism ... patriotism that they're too too blindly stupid to see is cloaked in a torn, burned, shit-stained American flag

Apparently there was a presidential debate a year ago today

Apparently I live-blogged stuff like the below paragraph as I watched it because there are tons of similar angry, dumbfounded posts in my Facebook memories today, and apparently the debate was -- in the pussy-grabber's own ad-nauseam repeated attempts at talking -- a "disaster."

Once again, Hillary is talking in thoughtfully nuanced paragraphs to answer the question about what she would do about the humanitarian crisis in Syria. Trump just calls her a "disaster" and has to be re-asked the question TWICE plus have the subject patiently explained to him by Martha Raddatz and he not only can't answer the question but he says he's never even talked about it with his running mate. HOLY SHIT.
If only Dotard McCovfefe had given us some sort of sign a year ago that he was a catastrophically incompetent psychopath, maybe we'd have a president today who can locate Puerto Rico on a map.

I also just like saying "avuncular"

My little (well, little 6'75") nephew leaves for college tomorrow. And while I feel I have not yet completed my sacred avuncular duty to fully corrupt him before he heads out into the world, I have done something much more useful for him: a 529 college savings plan.

529 plans are investment accounts designed to provide tax-free -- TAX-FREE! -- interest when the dividends are used to pay for qualifying educational expenses including tuition, fees, books and even room and board. There are hundreds of 529 plan options, all administered by the states -- so there are varying regulations regarding everything from investment allocations and reallocations to qualified plan administers to offset eligibility for financial aid. But 529s are ultimately a smart way to invest in and save for the education of any child in your extended family.

My financial adviser didn't tell me about 529s until my nephew was four, but I immediately opened an account for him and started auto-depositing $25 a month into it. Then I waited until my niece was four to open one for her just to keep things even. Then a different financial adviser told me to merge the two accounts into one to possibly help the pool of money accumulate more interest, so now my niece and nephew are obligated to have a grueling dance-off to see how to divide the combined earnings.

But look how much I've saved for them over the last 14 years. And I still have seven more years of deposits to make until my niece graduates from college.

I don't mean to sound like an infomercial, but if you have kids of almost any age in your extended family, talk to a financial adviser and start throwing a few bucks a month into a 529 plan that's right for your financial situation. You may not be able to send the kids to college corrupted by every tasteless joke you've ever heard, but you can potentially give them a financial cushion for their real education.