BAM!

Presidential Hillary's second debate with Snifflin' Don was two years ago tonight

Facebook just reminded me that I live-blogged the entire Eminent Capability vs Syphilitic Dumpster Fire Smackdown! in real time:

8:06 PM
Hillary didn't shake his hand. Probably because who knows where it's been.

8:12 PM
Locker-room talk --> ISIS. It's a logical progression.

8:16 PM
"It's just words." It's more like Mental Illness Theater.

8:38 PM
Hillary delivers a thoughtful, nuanced organized, detail-focused description of what is and isn't working in the ACA. Donald just repeats the word "disaster" and says he's going to do "something" about it. Oh, and that he has "plans." And that it's a "disaster." Sniff.

8:51 PM
"She just went 25 seconds over her time limit." And she stole my favorite toy. Waaaah. Sniff.

8:58 PM
"Carried interest." When did Trump learn an economy word? I just got a tiny (which is the opposite of "bigly") bit of respect for his math tutor.

9:04 PM
"I understand taxes better than anyone in this country." Then why do you use tax accountants? Compared to your stated genius, their ineptitude must be frustrating.

9:19 PM
Once again, Hillary is talking in thoughtfully nuanced paragraphs to answer the question about what she would do about the humanitarian crisis in Syria. Trump just calls her a "disaster" and has to be re-asked the question TWICE plus have the subject patiently explained to him by Martha Raddatz and he not only can't answer the question but he says he's never even talked about it with his running mate. HOLY SHIT.

9:22 PM
I'm chugging a shot of Trump Vodka every time he says "disaster." So far I've downed three bottles but it's such shitty vodka all it's done is make me have to pee.

9:31 PM
There are three people in my life I don't want to feel smarter than: my boss, my doctor and my president. I have an awesome boss, I have a brilliant doctor ... but I'm facing the prospect of having a syphilitic (sniff) psychopathic passive-aggressive imbecile in Mr. Pumpkin makeup as a president. Sniff.

9:46 PM
The question is in two parts, Donald: How to meet our energy needs and how to do it without damaging the environment. Your only answer is deregulation ... with a couple passive-aggressive jabs at Hillary. Oh, and speaking of Hillary, she efficiently answers both questions in a thoughtful, informed, articulated set of paragraphs.

The Kaine-Pence VP debate was two years ago tonight

Facebook just reminded me that I live-blogged my incredulous condescension toward the hypocritical vile-queen evil that is Mike Pence as I watched. Looking back, I seemed to be preternaturally composed:

8:15 PM
Pence sure is good at changing the subject to avoid answering an awkward question. I'll give him that.

8:37 PM
Pence seems alarmingly controlled -- which is quite an accomplishment given that his biggest challenge is to spin Donald's worm shit into silk.

8:52 PM
"Basket of deplorables" does NOT equal an "insult-driven campaign," Pence. But it was cute of you to act like your tender lotus-blossom feelings got hurt over it. Kaine gave you a mile-long list of shit that's sprayed daily out of Trump's for-real insult-driven campaign and "basket of deplorables" is all you can come up with as a response? FAIL.

9:04 PM
"If you don't know the difference between a dictatorship and leadership, then you need to go back to a fifth-grade civics class." Nicely played, Kaine. Except I would have ended with a more withering insult. Seriously. Hire me to write your speeches. I have a degree in wither.

9:10 PM
Seriously, Pence? "That was beneath you and Hillary Clinton"? You and Trump are the national grand champions on going sewer-level low. You have zero credibility for trying to look like you've ever taken a high road in your life.

9:16 PM
ENOUGH with the butthurt whimpering, Pence. Reciting televised Trump quotes and lists of documented facts is NOT an "insult-driven campaign," no matter how loudly you whine that it is.

9:30 PM
NOBODY wants abortions, Mike. Don't make it sound like you protect life and Democrats feed on the souls of dead babies. We ALL want fewer unwanted pregnancies, which in turn would result in fewer abortions. Hillary herself has said as much on the Senate floor.

Hillary said this two years ago

and Stable Genius’ “presidency” has indeed proven to be nothing but a relentless series of bizarre rants, personal feuds and outright lies:

“Donald Trump's ideas aren't just different. They're dangerously incoherent. They're not even really ideas - just a series of bizarre rants, personal feuds and outright lies. He's not just unprepared; he is temperamentally unfit to hold an office that requires knowledge, stability and immense responsibility."

So. Much. Fucking. Winning.

But at least we've created all those domestic jobs and enjoyed the robust economic benefits of multiple trade wars and repealed the unarticulated evils of the ACA and bolstered our international standing and retained all those best people in the administration and lowered our collective golf handicap. 

Republican Mass-Shooting Emergency Checklist

1. Find out the color of the shooter: white = lone wolf/mentally unstable; dark = terrorist
2. If the shooter is a dark terrorist, make empty promises about travel bans and “extreme vetting”
3. If the shooter is a mentally unstable white lone wolf who couldn't possibly be described as a terrorist, well what can you do?
4. If an automatic machine gun was used for the mass murders, scream “Second Amendment!” every two minutes
5. If your name is trump, barely—if at all—acknowledge the shooting and hope that your next catastrophic moral, ethical or intellectual failure will make it disappear
6. Type “thoughts and prayers” on Twitter
7. Fire up the NRA we-need-more-guns spin propaganda machine that’s still warm from last week’s shooting
8. Create a distraction by committing treason
or: Declare that you’re fast-tracking never-discussed infrastructure legislation
or: Blame (in any order) Hillary, Obama, Democratic "obstruction" or the victims who didn't report the shooter's suspicious behavior
or: Bleat that this list is “inappropriate,” ignore that everything on it is documentable and scream that you are offended
or: Just wait for trump’s next batshit eruption, announcement or embarrassment to dominate the news cycle
9. Name all other possible weapons—especially knives!—that could have been used in a mass-shooting murder
10. If your name is trump, describe the murder victims as “beautiful”
11. Feign indignance and bleat “now is not the time” when anyone suggests the country needs to discuss and enact preventive gun control
12. Conspicuously do not declare the proper time to discuss or enact preventive gun control
13. Cite the above pre-packaged propaganda in interviews with news sources you otherwise scream are fake news
14. Type “thoughts and prayers” on Twitter
15. Do nothing meaningful, productive, rational, uncorrupt or humane

When you can’t get a date, hoard memes

A year ago right now I was Hillary’s hand puppet on C-SPAN

A Manifesto of End-Stage Syphilis

For starters, a very stable genius would know the difference between winning the popular vote and going down in flames. But there aren’t enough pixels in the world to do full justice to the unmined gems here. His slow-burn implosion would be delicious karma to watch if it weren’t so terrifying for the country.

Crooked H?

How is destroying a phone with a hammer obstruction? You're never gonna make "bleached emails" happen. Your AG apparently can't remember the last time he went to the bathroom, but he definitely knows he didn't talk about Russia in two meetings he doesn't remember being in. And I'd enjoy watching your arrogant delusions come crashing down and eating you alive a whole lot more if you hadn't stolen my rap name.

Is this mean,

 

Oh, Sweetie. Bless your heart.

1. The way you typed this with your chocolate-cake-covered thumbs, you have your surrogates somehow collectively being a very active president. So yes, you totally have an accuracy problem. Just not where you in your delusional narcissism think it is.

2. It's your surrogates' job to provide accurate information about your administration to the press. Not to hide in bushes. Not to yell at black people. If they don't provide accurate information, they can always use the time-honored "let me get back to you" duck and run, which at least gives everyone the impression that they're taking the time to ask questions and do research to be accurately informed while they're most likely stalling for time to find a way to spin your increasingly delusional and bizarre words and actions into a way to blame big black Barack Obama for your catastrophic failings.

3. Speaking of your catastrophic failings, if your surrogates don't have perfect accuracy, either they're incompetent or you are. Which, again, is Barack Obama's fault. Or Hillary's. Or now Comey's! Your hallucinatory little world is filled with wondrous possibilities.

4. "Lots of things happening" is a conveniently passive way of implying your schedule is just packed with important presidenty things, which in the real world do not involve golfing every weekend at tremendous taxpayer expense, locking up your third failing marriage in a gilded New York tower also at tremendous taxpayer expense, being an appallingly absent parent to all your children except the ones who actively sustain your practices of corruption and self-aggrandizement, and desperately changing your lies about why you fired the Republican-appointed, served-under-four-consecutive-presidents, in-the-middle-of-investigating-you-for-corruption FBI director on the national news and THEN by letter while you knew he was out of town instead of being a big brave professional "businessman" president and doing it in person.

5. "Cancel all press briefings"? Isn't that what a despotic dictator would do? I'll give you a moment to ask your presidential surrogates if anyone knows the word despot.

6. Getting back to point #1, your inability to write an accurate tweet makes your proposal to "hand out written responses" is the exact opposite of "the best thing to do."

7. And while we're on the topic of your tweets, they're getting longer and more punctuationy and more desperately-blame-everyone-else-but-yourselfy by the day. You're not fooling anyone but your arrogance; you are unhinged, flying off the rails, and hopefully literally and very soon slamming your smug face into the side of a mountain in a catastrophic crash of your own psychopathy.

8. I loathe you.

9. I loathe everyone who voted for and still defiantly supports you.

10. I loathe you.