CO-IOWANS REPRESENTIN’ IN FRONT OF A GENUINE SEAFARIN’ REHOBOTH BEACH LIGHTHOUSE THAT’S TOTALLY NOT AN OCEANSIDE ROOFTOP PUTT-PUTT GOLF COURSE CHALLENGE, YO

I made a meme!

P.S. Framing this as some kind of epic promise/fulfillment accomplishment makes you look as incapable as he is, shitwad

So. Much. Fucking. Winning.

But at least we've created all those domestic jobs and enjoyed the robust economic benefits of multiple trade wars and repealed the unarticulated evils of the ACA and bolstered our international standing and retained all those best people in the administration and lowered our collective golf handicap. 

I’m working on my taxes and I want to make sure I don’t overlook anything from the checklist my tax preparer gave me

To your knowledge, did I open a HELOC that was not a campaign contribution to any of you during your joke of a presidential campaign to pay hush money to an enormous-breasted porn star for a well-documented extramarital affair that you unconvincingly deny having you dirty dog and therefore implausibly deny having any need for paying the hush money in the first place? I’ve obviously procrastinated myself down to the wire on the tax deadline, so please get back to me as soon as you finish your golf game. Kthanks.

*Chosen by morons to go golfing

6. President Dotard summons his best leadership words and calls the gunman a loser. Then he goes golfing with a gun lobbyist.

Is there a word that's stronger than "loathing"?

Too far? Not far enough?

What if he doesn't even use white golf tees? Gosh, I hope I haven't confused him or made him look silly.

#FireAndFury!

So I've been in a bipolar depressive sleep for 36 hours except for the four hours I managed to be at work

What all did man-boy whine about, lie about, put in pointless quotes, fail at, not know, victimize himself over, ignore to play golf, blame on everyone but himself, desecrate, sell our country for his personal gain over and destroy while I was out?

This tweet aged well

Is a golf handicap a pre-existing condition? Plus unless he misspelled "copay," he's no more mature than a toddler trying to get his brother in trouble for picking his nose.

This tweet aged well

You just days ago whined that your 11-year-old son was traumatized so you dropped everything and rushed to the golf course -- your 23rd time in your 19-week presidency -- where you paused just long enough to tweet a commercial for the American gun lobby in response to a mass murder in London before presumably getting back to your game before your divots dried out. You're worse than everything and everybody.

Knives and a truck

Every time I think he's hit the absolute moral bottom, he grabs a new shovel. Every time I think he's won the race to be the least presidential, he adds a five-mile sprint past the finish line. Every time I think there's no possible way for his words and actions and impulses and his very thoughts to demonstrate his abject, tone-deaf, non-linear, catastrophic imbecility, he sends a new tweet. Every time he's proven beyond all doubt that he's beholden above country to party, lobby and foreign manipulation, he clumsily confirms a deeper level of his selfish corruption. Every time it's crucial that he's there to do his job, he goes golfing.

Every time he sees an opportunity to exploit other people's tragedy for his own personal or political gain, he all but gleefully makes sure he squeezes out what in his puerile mind is the maximum return on his investment.

Every. Every. Every. Time.

We need to be smart

When man-boy interrupts his 22nd golf game not to console the son he just reported was profoundly traumatized and not to address terrorist attacks overseas but to vaguely declare "we need to be smart," is it meta or just accidental irony?

Six marriages. Under God.

Learn how to send a whore to the Vatican here

Thrice (so far!)-married serial-adulterer Donald Trump, who just yesterday bellowed "In America we don’t worship government, we worship God!" to thunderous, effusive cheering at his commencement address at Jerry Falwell Jr.'s "faith-based" Liberty University and who today played golf instead of spending Mother's Day with any of the three mothers of his five known children, is appointing the one-time mistress and now third (so far!) wife of fellow serial-adulterer Newt Gingrich as the United States ambassador to the "faith-based" Vatican.

There are more faith-based family values on the bottom of my shoe than in the entirety of that last sentence.

The great mothers indeed

Our puerile, inarticulate man-boy president is so beneath contempt that he thinks this meaningless garbage tweet brings value to the country, to "the great mothers out there," to the sentiment of the holiday and/or to his third marriage. 

Judging by the comments on his tweet, his base is so beneath contempt that it agrees with him.

Things the president has said or done that are praiseworthy

As requested by The New York Times:

• He knows more about ISIS than the generals do.
• He could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and wouldn't lose any voters.
• He's so good at leadership and deal-making that he almost brought his entire majority party together to pass a piece of legislation that didn't involve an executive order.
• He could have prevented the Civil War if Andrew Jackson would have just trusted those deal-making skills.
• He bombed Syria. Or Iraq. Whatever.
• He traveled through time to the year 3010, fought the evil robot kings and saved the human race again.
• He's fathered the eminent scientist and knockoff shoe designer Ivanka Trump, who as we speak is packing her vast, unbiased scientific knowledge into a genuine alligator clutch with a logo-jacquard lining and a pearl-inlay pinch clasp trimmed in signature rose gold to meet with EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt to review the United States’ commitment to the Paris Climate Change agreement.
• Speaking of the eminent scientist and knockoff shoe designer Ivanka Trump, he's so open-minded that he let a Jew into his family. Still no word on his approval of the blacks, though.
• Speaking of eminent, he's an eminent (as all Trumps are) scholar of religion who's learned enough to pronounce it "Two Corinthians."
• He ushered in an exciting new hairstyle that put an end to the man-bun.
• He saved himself money by having all his pro-American-jobs campaign hats made in China.
• He saved the whole country money by golfing in New Jersey instead of New York last weekend.
• He somehow made Kellyanne Conway go away.
• Speaking of disappearing women, has anyone seen our First Lady? Has anyone seen ANY praiseworthy evidence of Trump's third marriage?
• Speaking of Trump's marriages, he generously pays his used wives so much money that they never need to talk to anyone about their relationships with and insights into him, the president of the entire United States.
• He can probably name all of his wives and children. In order.
• He opened a state-of-the-art Holocaust center.
• He gave an entire generation of parents the opportunity to explain to their young children what a pussy is.

What adult do you know who would even THINK to tweet a message like this?

It's like he's trying to explain to his parents that he was four hours late getting home because he fell asleep at a friend's house even though everyone in the room can see the track marks in his arm.

Grab 'em by the premiums

I keep thinking NOW we've reached the ultimate low for the man-boy administration. Mocking a disabled reporter. Bragging about sexually assaulting women. Blatantly lying about an audit preventing him from releasing his taxes. Mounting evidence that he's colluding with Russia. More FBI investigations than we can keep track of. The exorbitant taxpayer costs of his endless golf vacations and dysfunctional marriage. Machinations to undermine the First Amendment. Flouting endless laws and safeguards and conventions designed to prevent financial conflicts of interest. Mike Pence. Proudly flailing around in a cloud of political and historical ignorance. Desperate attempts to discredit the media and blame Obama for his own catastrophic failings.

And now this.

What bottomless holes will he drive us into next week?