Things the president has said or done that are praiseworthy

As requested by The New York Times:

• He knows more about ISIS than the generals do.
• He could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and wouldn't lose any voters.
• He's so good at leadership and deal-making that he almost brought his entire majority party together to pass a piece of legislation that didn't involve an executive order.
• He could have prevented the Civil War if Andrew Jackson would have just trusted those deal-making skills.
• He bombed Syria. Or Iraq. Whatever.
• He traveled through time to the year 3010, fought the evil robot kings and saved the human race again.
• He's fathered the eminent scientist and knockoff shoe designer Ivanka Trump, who as we speak is packing her vast, unbiased scientific knowledge into a genuine alligator clutch with a logo-jacquard lining and a pearl-inlay pinch clasp trimmed in signature rose gold to meet with EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt to review the United States’ commitment to the Paris Climate Change agreement.
• Speaking of the eminent scientist and knockoff shoe designer Ivanka Trump, he's so open-minded that he let a Jew into his family. Still no word on his approval of the blacks, though.
• Speaking of eminent, he's an eminent (as all Trumps are) scholar of religion who's learned enough to pronounce it "Two Corinthians."
• He ushered in an exciting new hairstyle that put an end to the man-bun.
• He saved himself money by having all his pro-American-jobs campaign hats made in China.
• He saved the whole country money by golfing in New Jersey instead of New York last weekend.
• He somehow made Kellyanne Conway go away.
• Speaking of disappearing women, has anyone seen our First Lady? Has anyone seen ANY praiseworthy evidence of Trump's third marriage?
• Speaking of Trump's marriages, he generously pays his used wives so much money that they never need to talk to anyone about their relationships with and insights into him, the president of the entire United States.
• He can probably name all of his wives and children. In order.
• He opened a state-of-the-art Holocaust center.
• He gave an entire generation of parents the opportunity to explain to their young children what a pussy is.

10 things Andrew Jackson accomplished before he died in 1845

1. Got really angry about the Civil War that happened 16 years later
2. Invented Post-Its
3. Skipped the White House Correspondents Dinner to enjoy some beautiful chocolate cake with Frederick Douglass
4. Knew more about ISIS than the generals like a total badass
5. Carried the all-time record for the biggest crowd at his inauguration ... until you-know-who came along
6. Launched the man-bun
7. Figured out the difference between Syria and Iraq before bombing them
8. Was -- fun fact! -- the first president to tweet about fake news at 5:00 in the morning
9. Opened a state-of-the-art Holocaust center
10. Watched helplessly as Barack Obama started the 1861 Civil War

Today in stupid

1. I chose to eat dinner at McDonald's.
2. Sean Spicer.
3. The person taking my McDonald's drive-through order asked me if it was for here or to go.
4. "The Holocaust center."
5. The North Carolina House GOP filed a bill to invalidate the Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage, directing the state government to defy it.
6. Hitler "didn't even sink to using chemical weapons."
7. The Texas Senate advanced a bill that would allow county clerks to refuse marriage licenses to gay couples in the name of not-at-all-secret-code-for-homophobic-hatred "religious liberty."
8. Hitler “was not using the gas on his own people in the same way that Assad is doing.”
9. Kenneth Adkins, an anti-gay Georgia pastor who said that the victims of the Orlando massacre "got what they deserved," was found guilty -- the only not-stupid part of this list -- of molesting a boy and girl who attended his church.
10. Sean Spicer. Seriously. Sean Spicer.