I’m now in the market for a new car

because as I was driving home from rehearsal tonight I felt a spider land on my ear and a wisp of spider web wrap across my face so I slammed on the brakes in the middle of First Avenue, ran screaming down the street, came back with an industrial-grade blowtorch and set the whole thing on fire.

I’m also now in the market for a new set of skin because I immediately went to a nuclear power plant and had a full-Silkwood scrubdown.

Sean Spicer's high-wire act

Bickering and lashing out when you've gotten yourself trapped in a corner is what toddlers do. And feral dogs. And now, Trump press secretaries. I understand his job is to defend the indefensible and explain the unexplainable, but nobody forced him to take the job, and getting defensive instead of answering questions like he's supposed to do just makes him more intellectually alarming and contemptible by the day. And to think, he gets free healthcare no matter how little he knows, how much he obstructs or how catastrophically he fails at what he does.

Via JoeMyGod: Watch through your microwave here