Celebrity taste maven, international MySpace influencer and insightful friend Matt came over this weekend and helped me FINALLY narrow my ocean of blue paint chips—which numbered in the 50s when I started collecting options almost two years ago—from the ten I’d narrowed it to on my own down to a SINGLE WINNING COLOR (which ended up being called Chinese Porcelain, which sent us into paroxysms of delight because it gave us now our THIRD unexpected opportunity to use our favorite hyper-masculine decorator-bro term: Chinoiserie).
So I just bought two gallons of custom-tinted Chinese Porcelain eggshell paint after work without giving myself room for a second of second thought and I slapped some of it around my bedroom door frames when I got home to check it out—not that it matters at this point—and SHIT JUST GOT REAL, FAM!
FREE SALES LESSON TO THE DUDE BEHIND THE MENARDS PAINT COUNTER: If you’re going to instantly try to upsell me to a different brand of paint and I respond with the extremely logical and not-to-be-unexpected-by-anyone-who’s-not-dead question “What’s the difference?” you need to be ready to demonstrate that YOU ACTUALLY KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. And when I try to save you from your deer-in-the-headlights hemming and hawing and stuttering by asking which you’d recommend, JUST MAKE UP A FUCKING ANSWER IF YOU HAVE NO PROFESSIONAL KNOWLEDGE OR OPINION. And if you still insist on being that stupid, at least have the common courtesy to be hot. Sheesh.
Also: “One-coat paint” is and always will be a dirty stinking LIE. You know it. I know it. We both know I know you know it. SO STOP SAYING IT.
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