Sunday, February 05, 2017


Judging by the profligate avalanche of exclamation points in my Facebook feed tonight, it is fully evident that OMG Lady Gaga, OMG the Patriots won and OMG the Falcons lost.
Duly noted.
I'm proud to have such a diversity of enthusiastic friends with a diverse range of passions, but with Congress' recent motions to gut the Environmental Punctuation Agency, global exclamation point deforestation on the scale I've seen tonight -- especially in the new-growth forests of exclamation points that are really little more than ambitious periods -- is posing a devastating threat to our future expressions of enthusiasm, mockery, disbelief, hostility and, in some cases, show tunes.
If we don't enact voluntary rationing and preservation measures today, we'll condemn our future generations to having no option but to make sad, confusing little exclamations like these:
Trump sucks,
Hello, Dolly(
Go, Cubs, Go ...
Jake is awesome;
He's got a gun*
Don't make me stop this car?
The list grows more heartbreaking by the day.
I'm in no way trying to censor you. And I wholly encourage you to continue being excited that you won a new cow, WTFing your heart out when yoga class gets moved to Studio B where the cucumber water is never room temperature, curling up in a ball and yelling Adele lyrics at your cat because you're always alone on Valentine's Day, and -- as if you could even stop yourself -- OMGing over every blog post I write.
But please. Enthusiasticate responsibly. Punctuate judiciously. And when you must, use just one exclamation point at a time.
Yes. Just one. You can do it. Don't make me stop this car?

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