Putin's cock holster

I know #FireColbert is about ten news cycles ago but I spent my lunch hour today watching Paul Ryan all but literally screaming behind the House podium that it's essentially more important to keep a not-racist-at-all repeal-Obamacare promise than to replace it with something fair, equitable, just, true, or even refined through bipartisan negotiation and medical review. And since the grab-'em-by-the-pussy trumpcare plan that Ryan is so screamingly demanding into existence jaw-droppingly classifies rape as a pre-existing condition and there's nothing I can do to stop any of this moral, catastrophically loathsome carnage, I want to talk about something else.

So, yeah. That is-it-or-isn't-it-homophobic thing Colbert said.

Was it inappropriate? Yes.
Was it vulgar? Yes.
Did it lower the national political dialogue? Yes.
Was it offensive? The definition of offensive is highly personal and objective so I wouldn't even presume to make generalized judgments on behalf of the electorate. Clearly, enormous swaths of the population found Colbert's gay joke to be offensive for a range of personal and sometimes transparently political reasons. (I had no idea that conservative religious bigots were so concerned about homophobia and the moral importance of political correctness until this week.) I personally found his joke to be offensive more for its played-out lack of cleverness than for its crude sexual content. And even then, my only real reaction to it was that it was oddly out of character for him.

But the big gay elephant in the room is the homophobia question.

I'm a gay man. So I'm going to claim a level of earned authority on the topic. And I found his joke to be totally homophobic, but only in the best possible way. Colbert has years of well-documented bona fides establishing him as an intelligent, clever, evolved-world man who is in no way offended or threatened by homosexuality. Trump and Putin, however, have years of well-documented bona fides establishing them as vain, reactionary, defensive, narcissistic, homophobic bigots whose sand-and-fog masculinity prevents them from even joking about being gay. So Stephen Colbert accusing them of having big gay sex with each other on nationwide television probably brought them both some level of out-of-proportion self-loathing humiliation, no matter how much they might insist it didn't. Lord knows it offended their snowflake base to its gay-hating core.

I get that who I am shouldn't be used as an insult or a punchline. I also get that using who I am as an insult or a punchline lessens me as an equal in the half-wit minds of people who probably shouldn't be given that emotional ammunition.

But you know what? In this case I don't care. It's clear Putin has some sort of control over Trump, and political-cartooning it through a gay-sex metaphor simultaneously amplifies the scrutiny it deserves and sabotages their paragon-of-masculinity peacockery. And aside from contacting my legislators -- one of whom is on record anyway admitting he doesn't listen to or read the messages his constituents send him -- there's nothing I can do to stop their march to the sea but share my well-researched and hopefully-well-reasoned opinions and ridicule them with everything in my lexical arsenal. Those stupid faggots.

And for the record: Whether or not Trump and Putin are, in fact, having big gay sex with each other, as of this writing and as far as my research can confirm, the MacArthur-Meadows Amendment to the unholy "repeal and replace" trumpcare plan classifies rape, domestic violence and even Cesarean sections as pre-existing conditions.

Those stupid faggots.