Just add USDA-uninspected Grade D meat!

It's absurd! It's deranged! It's ...

Tariff Man! Tariff Man!

Makin' bullshit hit the fan

Foolin' no one with his tan

Looks like mushrooms from a can

Tariff Man! Tariff Man!

Pussy-grabber in a van

From five drafts cow-ard-ly ran

Broke Commandments One through Tan

Tariff Man! Tariff Man!

Naked porno wife Melan

Inbred-smelling child-er-an

Creepy, sleazy family clan

Tariff Man! Tariff Man!

Thinks the Jews wrote the Koran

Once read Two Corinthian

Evangelic Taliban

Tariff Man! Tariff Man!

Scared of far-off caravan

Wants an immigration ban

Mexico won't serve him flan

Tariff Man! Tariff Man!

Can't tell China from Japan

Vlad'mir Putin super-fan

Laughingstock of Kazakhstan

Tariff Man! Tariff Man!

Crippled trade without a plan

Killed business American

Epic failure presidan

Tariff Man! Tariff Man!

KKK republican

Middle name should be treasan

Benedict American

Tariff Man! Tariff Man!

Blames Obama where he can

Or blames Hill-a-ry Clintan

Shitty po-li-ti-ci-an

Tariff Man! Tariff Man!

Picked a fight with John McCan

John McCan had secret plan

Tariff Man got funeral ban

Tariff Man! Tariff Man!

No one bankrupts like he can

All his budgets overran

Cor-rupt can’t-make-deals moran

Tariff Man! Tariff Man!

Tweets while he sits on the can

Holds his bottles with two han

Probably likes Comic San

Tariff Man! Tariff Man!

Gets his "news" from Fox & Fran

Has-been celeb fan Roseanne

The Apprentice also-ran

Tariff Man! Tariff Man!

One-second attention span

He just can’t when others can

Too late for abortian

THINGS! YOU! CAN’T! UN! SEE!

WHY ARE YOU PRETENDING TO BE CONCERNED? OR TRYING TO BE RELEVANT?

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Man-boy’s secret man-bitch meeting with Putin is finally over

And there’s no telling where those fingers have been.

The week in memes

The Celebrity Appresident!

Guns and man-buns

My finally-humanoid haircut's first trip to the gym didn't land me a husband or a physique modeling contract or even a secret Putin meeting that's all Obama's fault. But my secret gym boyfriend was there after a months-long disappearance, though he was sporting a man-bun and haircuts and man-buns are not a mutually exclusive zero-sum equation and are therefore immutably incompatible so I am once again seeking qualified applicants for the position of secret gym boyfriend.

I have to note, though, that losing 40 lbs of hair makes your head cool faster and your body sweat less, and when your internal temperature-regulating system is working at optimal performance, you can give yourself a really swole workout. Even though your deal-breaker-man-bunned secret gym boyfriend never even looks up to notice.

At least the flag is still there

Happy early July 4 from me and Bitch Kitty, who hissed at me and scampered off to no doubt make pro-Putin posters and buy more MAGA hats from China before my camera had time to auto-focus for our patriotic selfie portrait. So the key takeaways here are 1) Bitch Kitty is eliminating your insurance before she bites you, 2) my disco-fantasy mustache makes me positively irresistible even when I sit next to the empty spot where my heartless kitty humiliatingly abandoned me for our patriotic selfie portrait, 3) my Snoopy shirt has a red collar and blue sleeves but Bitch Kitty ran away and killed my patriotic spirit before I got my blue sleeves in the frame and we're all gonna die anyway so why bother, 4) isn't our needlepoint flag pillow super-cute? 5) Mom is stuffed full of pain pills and tucked cozily into her blanket-draped recliner for the first night of her predicted eight weeks of shoulder-surgery recovery while I'm climbing under a blanket on the couch next to her so I can re-pill her every three hours and it feels really good that I'm here to take care of her, 6) she's still hoarse from her nerve block so she has one of my marathon cowbells at her side in case she needs to wake me between pills, 7) she might lose a hand if she actually rings that damn bell while I'm sleeping, 8) she's wearing my pajama bottoms for reasons she describes as because they're much too big for her so they're easier to get on and off with one hand but we all know it's because the hospital vending machine was out of Diet Coke today so I had a real Coke, 9) is it bad to hope that everyone setting off fireworks right now plus all the legislators who gave them unfettered access to all those fireworks lose vital organs in incendiary ways tonight? asking for a friend, 10) seriously -- how super-cute is our needlepoint throw pillow?

Hiding stuff is so tacky

A competent president would ask these questions to maybe the FBI or a special investigator or something instead of to Twitter. A competent president probably wouldn't type random noun phrases in all caps while he or she tweeted on the toilet either. But that's just a quibble.

Every Kollusion Begins With Kushner

Putin's cock holster

I know #FireColbert is about ten news cycles ago but I spent my lunch hour today watching Paul Ryan all but literally screaming behind the House podium that it's essentially more important to keep a not-racist-at-all repeal-Obamacare promise than to replace it with something fair, equitable, just, true, or even refined through bipartisan negotiation and medical review. And since the grab-'em-by-the-pussy trumpcare plan that Ryan is so screamingly demanding into existence jaw-droppingly classifies rape as a pre-existing condition and there's nothing I can do to stop any of this moral, catastrophically loathsome carnage, I want to talk about something else.

So, yeah. That is-it-or-isn't-it-homophobic thing Colbert said.

Was it inappropriate? Yes.
Was it vulgar? Yes.
Did it lower the national political dialogue? Yes.
Was it offensive? The definition of offensive is highly personal and objective so I wouldn't even presume to make generalized judgments on behalf of the electorate. Clearly, enormous swaths of the population found Colbert's gay joke to be offensive for a range of personal and sometimes transparently political reasons. (I had no idea that conservative religious bigots were so concerned about homophobia and the moral importance of political correctness until this week.) I personally found his joke to be offensive more for its played-out lack of cleverness than for its crude sexual content. And even then, my only real reaction to it was that it was oddly out of character for him.

But the big gay elephant in the room is the homophobia question.

I'm a gay man. So I'm going to claim a level of earned authority on the topic. And I found his joke to be totally homophobic, but only in the best possible way. Colbert has years of well-documented bona fides establishing him as an intelligent, clever, evolved-world man who is in no way offended or threatened by homosexuality. Trump and Putin, however, have years of well-documented bona fides establishing them as vain, reactionary, defensive, narcissistic, homophobic bigots whose sand-and-fog masculinity prevents them from even joking about being gay. So Stephen Colbert accusing them of having big gay sex with each other on nationwide television probably brought them both some level of out-of-proportion self-loathing humiliation, no matter how much they might insist it didn't. Lord knows it offended their snowflake base to its gay-hating core.

I get that who I am shouldn't be used as an insult or a punchline. I also get that using who I am as an insult or a punchline lessens me as an equal in the half-wit minds of people who probably shouldn't be given that emotional ammunition.

But you know what? In this case I don't care. It's clear Putin has some sort of control over Trump, and political-cartooning it through a gay-sex metaphor simultaneously amplifies the scrutiny it deserves and sabotages their paragon-of-masculinity peacockery. And aside from contacting my legislators -- one of whom is on record anyway admitting he doesn't listen to or read the messages his constituents send him -- there's nothing I can do to stop their march to the sea but share my well-researched and hopefully-well-reasoned opinions and ridicule them with everything in my lexical arsenal. Those stupid faggots.

And for the record: Whether or not Trump and Putin are, in fact, having big gay sex with each other, as of this writing and as far as my research can confirm, the MacArthur-Meadows Amendment to the unholy "repeal and replace" trumpcare plan classifies rape, domestic violence and even Cesarean sections as pre-existing conditions.

Those stupid faggots.