Exhibit A

Can we all just agree to agree that geraniums are stupid?

Their “blooms” look like either '80s prom scrunches or gloopy blood clots, their leaves are so dense that they divert water from the watering can to the outside of the pot instead of to the thirsty, thirsty soil beneath, and they smell all over like cadaverous spider farts and dusty boredom.

Shoebiz.

He doesn't believe an entire globe of scientists and catastrophic empirical evidence about climate change but he believes a genocidal dictator because he was nice once

I loathe this lying, belligerent, clumsily manipulative, passive-aggressive, hypocritical shithole woman SO MUCH

Today in Stupid

Guess who—after eagerly waiting six months to finally have two big ugly pilar cysts removed from his head—initially went to the wrong doctor’s office this afternoon and had to race across town to get to the right one in time for his appointment?

THIS NO-LONGER-LUMPY GUY!

THERE ARE THREE PERFECTLY COZY, PERFECTLY AVAILABLE LAPS IN THIS ROOM

#DumbAssCat

You know how there’s dumbass and there’s HOLY SHIT YOU’RE A DUMBASS?

I just waited patiently for my boarding group to be called and then waited patiently in line to board my flight, only to find out I WAS AT THE WRONG GATE. In my defense, our gates shared the same waiting area and were boarding at the same time. But still.

Also, this wins everything:

Correction:

See if you can spot the interesting feature in the massive dressing room behind me

I’ll give you a hint: IT’S TOTALLY DEVOID OF BUSTLING, DELIGHTFUL MY FAIR LADY CASTMEMBERS.

And do you know WHY the massive dressing room behind me is totally devoid of bustling, delightful My Fair Lady castmembers? I’ll give you a hint: BECAUSE I OBVIOUSLY HAVEN’T MASTERED RUDIMENTARY TIME-TELLING SKILLS AND I GOT HERE A WHOLE FREAKING HOUR EARLY.

Which means at least that I can secretly try on all the Ascot dresses in privacy.

Exhibit A

When I bold-caps-reverse-Comic-Sans MY staggeringly insincere condolences over the death of someone who has devoted his life to serving our country, I always end them with an exclamation point too

Oh—and I ALWAYS INCLUDE A PHOTO OF MYSELF.

WHY ARE YOU PRETENDING TO BE CONCERNED? OR TRYING TO BE RELEVANT?

This stabble genus musta missed Spelling Day at Trump University:

Her hand clenching a sweat-stained burner cell phone and her neck limber and fully rotational as she scours her habitat searching for black people exhibiting the brazen audacity to exist in the suffocating mire of her personal magasphere, she crunches her face in a bitter rictus and brays in her deafening shriek about her white-shaming victimization. Even though she’s not actually capable of making it all the way through five-syllable words like victimization.

This stabble genus musta missed Spelling Day at Trump University:

Her hand clenching a sweat-stained burner cell phone and her neck limber and fully rotational as she scours her habitat searching for black people exhibiting the brazen audacity to exist in the suffocating mire of her personal magasphere, she crunches her face in a bitter rictus and brays in her deafening shriek about her white-shaming victimization. Even though she’s not actually capable of making it all the way through five-syllable words like victimization.

I really hope it’s one of the Illegal McFireworksons loudly displaying their stupidity in our neighborhood

Why would you hold a hostage at a prison reform summit?

#TrumpsterFire

DO NOT CONGRATULATE IVANKA FOR MATCHING HER DISPOSABLE LAB GLOVES TO HER HOT TOPIC EYESHADOW

Remember this two-seconds-of-fame trainwreck?

Apparently she’s still desperately clinging to relevance among the anti-vaccination crowd, bless her little boobs. I love how her scientifically based arguments here derail from “Do you even know FOR A FACT ...” to “I’m pretty positive ...” in just two incoherent sentences.

I ask you, whom would you trust: teams of scientists across multiple disciplines doing over a century of research in labs and controlled studies around the world or Tila reading misspelled conspiracy theory sites on her phone in the TJ Maxx employee break room?