Jesus

Imagine enduring the terror of being stalked by a gunman with a mass-slaughter weapon; the pain of having bullets pulverize your flesh, bones and organs; the abject grief of losing a loved one who moments ago had been standing right beside you ... and then waking up in the hospital with this opportunistic, self-aggrandizing, desperately narcissistic piece of rotting goat shit using you a a prop for a creepy-smile photo op:

Has it really been two years since our modern-day Kennedys and beacons of sacred morality held audience with the pope?

Sigh. It seems like this was only 100 mortal embarrassments ago ...

No cavities!

Plus my dentist gives me deliciously scented lip balm as a reward for my superior flossing (or maybe he just gives it to everyone with no regard for merit), so the next time I make out with you my lips will be indulgently soft with a delicate effluvium of cucumber mint. Get in line, people!

HECK YEAH I took selfies with both medals and my new I DID IT! shirt

I even full-teeth smiled in one because my mom said I need to stop smiling with my mouth closed even though I think my open-mouth smile looks kind of devious and creepy. Hide your children and valuables as you see fit.

I made a meme!

Why would you hold a hostage at a prison reform summit?

Flashback Friday: Milestone Birthdays Edition

I’m not sure what’s most disturbing about this picture: the bar mitzvah clown smile, the Disney villain eyes, the dinner-plate glasses, the scarecrow neck, the weird-ass way I wore my watch on the inside of my wrist or the pink-on-white shirt that hung on me with all the sex appeal of a Mayan burial gown on an immolated corpse. The girls on my floor (Loser alert! I was living in the Foreign Language House, a co-ed dorm filled with language dorks who stayed in on Friday nights studying verb declensions!) had decorated my door with pink 21s. Probably to match the shirt. Or the homosexuality. I’m not sure where I got the wine, but I am sure I had only a sip of it to celebrate reaching such a milestone age. Because actually drinking a whole glass of alcohol on my 21st birthday would have been something the cool kids would do.

#knickknacks

#thingswithfaces
#thatwatchmewhileIsleep

Dipshitych

Simp de Mayo

A taco bowl doesn't technically count as a wall, but as long as his intern paid for it I guess it's a noble start.