Find the dumbass in this selfie who totally forgot to go to his dentist appointment this morning:

You get only one guess.

No cavities!

Plus my dentist gives me deliciously scented lip balm as a reward for my superior flossing (or maybe he just gives it to everyone with no regard for merit), so the next time I make out with you my lips will be indulgently soft with a delicate effluvium of cucumber mint. Get in line, people!

I hate to brag ...

(oh, let’s not kid ourselves; I LOVE to brag) but I’ve been upping my flossing game in the last few months and I just left the dentist’s office and the hygienist told me that my teeth were so awesome that they were by far the best she’s seen all day. ALL. DAY.

Three things:

1. I got measured and X-rayed and gross-stuff-teeth-molded this afternoon for a dental device that’s supposed to alleviate my sleep apnea and finally LET ME GET A DAMN NIGHT’S SLEEP. I hate to brag—oh, let’s not kid ourselves ... I TOTALLY love to brag—but one of the measurements the doctor took today was qualified as Class 1. I’m CLASS ONE, PEOPLE.

2. Then I went to physical therapy for my damn hip. The PT videotaped my running gait and then slowed it down to analyze it, and it turns out my running stride defaults to my legs crossing over in front of each other like I’m dominating a Paris runway like an uberfierce supermodel. (That last bit of imagery may or may not have been mine and not the PT’s.) In any case, I apparently now need to focus on running with a And gait that keeps my feet under my shoulders. WHICH FEELS LIKE I’M PLAYING HOPSCOTCH ON THE BED OF A MOVING HAY TRUCK. This is going to take some effort.

3. I’m starting to get the feeling that trump is a lying, delusional, kick-in-the-ballsworthy piece of donkey shit.

Flashback Friday: Say Aaaahhhh Edition

Here’s my dentist and me at some boring dentist-and-patient social event long ago in Chicago. We were so afraid to have fun back then. Or wear glitter.

Guess who's at the dentist with a mouthful of chronic neglect and semi-annual shame!