There is nothing more comforting than a well-stocked snack drawer

Especially on a morning that you didn’t eat breakfast.

Welp. I’m here.

There’s no time to get to a matinee unless I can get my luggage, score a cab to my hotel in Times Square, stow my luggage, brush my teeth—hoo boy do I feel like I need to brush my teeth—find the theater, get a ticket and get myself comfortably seated in 14 minutes. I’d say it’s not entirely outside the realm of possibilities, BUT I REALLY WANT TO BRUSH MY TEETH.

But!

BUT!

After we got off the plane, I saw Cap’n Assholepants go into the men’s room ... so I decided to follow him—not in a winkie-lookin’ way but in an I-genuinely-needed-to-pee way. He found a bank of empty urinals and took the end one. So I violated centuries of sacred Urinal Distance Bro Code and took the one RIGHT NEXT TO HIM. I peed just fine ... but he was clearly doing the No Tinkling Sounds Sighs Of Frustration And Backed-Up Plumbing Pee Shy Urgency Dance. Because DON’T KICK ME UNDER MY SEAT OR I WILL FLOOD YOUR BLADDER, BACK UP YOUR URETERS AND SYSTEMATICALLY DESTROY YOUR KIDNEYS, BITCH.

Now. If you’ll excuse me, I have a week of merry musicals to enjoy.

No cavities!

Plus my dentist gives me deliciously scented lip balm as a reward for my superior flossing (or maybe he just gives it to everyone with no regard for merit), so the next time I make out with you my lips will be indulgently soft with a delicate effluvium of cucumber mint. Get in line, people!

"Power play" is a hockey word. Look it up.

Last year today I was singing a power-play arrangement of “All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth” sporting authentic hockey gear and two magic-of-theater missing teeth in front of the power-play Orchestra Iowa in my beloved (and, obvs, power-play) Paramount Theatre.

Today today I’ll be tap-dancing with a merry band of bejinglebelled elves in the last of an eminently delightful five-week run of Elf the Musical at the always-eminently-delightful Theatre Cedar Rapids.

The only arguable difference here is I’ll be wearing brand-new work gloves to strike our set tonight.

We’re all stocked up for our last weekend of Elf!

This haul should at least get us through tonight’s intermission:

Elf the Musical opening night!

This is the nicest my dressing-room station will look for the next five weeks: