This tweet aged well ...

Has it really been only two years?

Remember two years ago when KKK Grand Wizard (what the fuck is THAT stupid title about, racists?) David Duke responded expectantly to all your white-supremacist dog whistles when you started your appalling abortion of a presidency, trump? Now your inbred disciples are regularly following your orders to open fire on brown people with small-dicked-incel assault weapons. And you fucking SUCK at pretending you're shocked.

There is not enough piss in the world to properly drench your grave.

Jesus

Imagine enduring the terror of being stalked by a gunman with a mass-slaughter weapon; the pain of having bullets pulverize your flesh, bones and organs; the abject grief of losing a loved one who moments ago had been standing right beside you ... and then waking up in the hospital with this opportunistic, self-aggrandizing, desperately narcissistic piece of rotting goat shit using you a a prop for a creepy-smile photo op:

Right

Because what this country needs more than anything right now is parenting input from a childless misanthrope whose sole life purpose is to inflame conflicted emotions in bitter incels.

Smocking. Gun. Smocking Gun.

Remember when Ann had an epic meltdown because she got stuck sitting in coach?

It’s clear what’s still up HER orifice ...

Six *trained* off-duty police officers were at the bar and they couldn't stop the gunman

An armed police officer who was there expressly to stop the massacre was murdered by the gunman.

So please, everyone at fox news, demonstrate for the rest of us exactly how to charge an active shooter. You owe it to us.

We'll be waiting with our thoughts and prayers at the ready. Though I personally don't give a shit if anything happens to all of you.

13 dead, including a *trained* police officer

But please, tell us again how a bored rent-a-cop standing at the door would have hypothetically stopped this. Tell us again how arming every person in the bar with MORE GUNS! would have hypothetically stopped this. Tell us again how this is the wrong time for me or anyone to discuss how to actually stop this.

No wait. Just shut the fuck up.

If we locked guns in cages would we get the same lack of #MAGA anger and uproar?

Betsy DeVos has released her search history to show that she did as much research as she could think of to prepare for her 60 Minutes interview

Tomi is a lazy drag queen’s name

There IS no Step Two ...

My family buys nothing—NOTHING!—more important than a package of socks without first going through the Ten Steps of Painfully Indecisive Covetousness:

1. Oh, look! There’s the thing I’m actively looking to buy and it’s right here in front of me right now so my search is over and I’m going to buy it.
1a. or: Oh, look! There’s something I just stumbled on in a store that two seconds ago I didn’t know existed and now I desperately want it so I’m going to buy it.
2. But am I sure about this?
3. Maybe I can find a cheaper and/or better version of it somewhere else.
4. But first let me take 72 pictures of it on my phone so I can remind myself in perpetuity that I don’t have it every time I scroll through my photos.
5. It’s totally worth it to drive to five similar stores scattered across town and then to spend 30 minutes researching it online if I can save five dollars when I inevitably buy it.
6. It goes without saying that it’s also totally worth it to go back to visit it nine or fifteen times at the store where I first saw it, just to be sure I really want it or to see if it goes on sale.
7. But I’m not obsessing about buying it or needlessly delaying this inevitable purchase or anything.
8. OK, two weeks have gone by and my life is empty and chokingly meaningless without it so I’m just going to go buy it.
9. Well, shit. It’s gone.
9a. or: Now that I have it home, I’ve decided I really don’t like it so I’m going to return it.
10. I’m just going to run in to Target for a few quick things.

SO! Imagine my surprise when—mere hours after we realized that we’d probably need to buy an easy-to-use recliner with a tall back for my dad because he’ll have problems sleeping in a flat bed when he comes home from the hospital so we were going to split up and start multiple Step Ones at all the recliner stores in town this afternoon—Mom sent me an urgent text telling me to come to the first recliner store she’d visited because she’d found the perfect recliner and she’d put a hold on it and wanted me to come test it before she bought it.

Which I did. And then which SHE did.

Let me type this slowly for you so you can comprehend its tectonic shiftiness: My mother, the High Priestess of the Ten Steps of Painfully Indecisive Covetousness, BOUGHT AN EASY-TO-USE-RECLINER WITH A TALL BACK ON JUST THE FIRST STEP. Without even blinking.

I’ll give you a moment to lift your jaws up from the shifting tectonic plates beneath you.

What’s more, our awesome, truck-having neighbor Dan just happened to be free and willing to transport the recliner home for us ... and within 90 minutes start-to-finish we became the proud owners of a new easy-to-use recliner with a tall back. WITH NINE UNUSED STEPS JUST HANGING OUT IN SPACE IN A FOG OF ABANDONMENT AND CONFUSION. But maybe I can sell them individually on Etsy.

Anyway! I had to do some major furniture shuffling to fit our new easy-to-use recliner with a tall back into our living room, but I think it’s now in a primo spot where Dad can be comfortable and not feeling like he’s jutting out into the room as he entertains visitors. And he has a bunch of medical stuff—in addition to his boombox for his books on tape—that he’ll need to keep near him, so I repurposed some decorative chests to become decorative side tables for him. Plus I cleaned them all with Liquid Gold, which those of us who like our wooden antiques to be alarmingly shiny know takes 17 days to dry. So that’s why I’m posting this artfully composed, judiciously-cropped-so-you-can’t-see-what-a-mess-the-rest-of-the-room-is photo at 7:42 instead of 4:00.

But doesn’t my dad’s new man-corner look handsome?

(It’d look mega-more handsome without that butt-ugly quilt and that why-the-hell-do-we-have-a-genuine-oil-painting-of-a-stranger-holding-a-gun-in-our-living-room painting. But rectifying those situations opens a whole new Ten Stages Of Painfully Indecisive Purging process. So let’s all just admire my alarmingly shiny wooden side tables for now.)

Two reasons I’m in a peaceful, happy, optimistic mood tonight:

1. I’m sitting with my mom right now after she’s survived a miserable day of 102°+ fevers and unstable standing and walking and multiple appointments with doctors and labs, and she now seems comfortable and stable and noticeably better. Actually, she’s just started snoring on the couch, so she’s clearly able to finally drift blissfully off to sleep.

2. We watched the CNN town hall together tonight, amid tons of texts and calls from well-wishing family and friends, and not only did trump and his fellow no-show cowards get eviscerated over and over and over on national television by teenagers who are exponentially more intelligent and articulate and BADASS BRAVE than they are, but Marco Rubio—who, to his credit, had the unexpected integrity to show up—got his corrupt puppet ass RIPPED OFF AND RUBBED IN HIS SMUG FACE by a kid who all by himself embodies everything I think our battered, destroyed country needs to kill off the trump and rubio cancers that are destroying us from within and then rebuild us to be the country that smart, rational, visionary, decent people like him can make it to be.

The mental health issues lie clearly at the top, right alongside the accountability issues, the moral issues, the integrity issues and the leadership issues

Republican Mass-Shooting Emergency Checklist

1. Find out the color of the shooter: white = lone wolf/mentally unstable; dark = terrorist
2. If the shooter is a dark terrorist, make empty promises about travel bans and “extreme vetting”
3. If the shooter is a mentally unstable white lone wolf who couldn't possibly be described as a terrorist, well what can you do?
4. If an automatic machine gun was used for the mass murders, scream “Second Amendment!” every two minutes
5. If your name is trump, barely—if at all—acknowledge the shooting and hope that your next catastrophic moral, ethical or intellectual failure will make it disappear
6. Type “thoughts and prayers” on Twitter
7. Fire up the NRA we-need-more-guns spin propaganda machine that’s still warm from last week’s shooting
8. Create a distraction by committing treason
or: Declare that you’re fast-tracking never-discussed infrastructure legislation
or: Blame (in any order) Hillary, Obama, Democratic "obstruction" or the victims who didn't report the shooter's suspicious behavior
or: Bleat that this list is “inappropriate,” ignore that everything on it is documentable and scream that you are offended
or: Just wait for trump’s next batshit eruption, announcement or embarrassment to dominate the news cycle
9. Name all other possible weapons—especially knives!—that could have been used in a mass-shooting murder
10. If your name is trump, describe the murder victims as “beautiful”
11. Feign indignance and bleat “now is not the time” when anyone suggests the country needs to discuss and enact preventive gun control
12. Conspicuously do not declare the proper time to discuss or enact preventive gun control
13. Cite the above pre-packaged propaganda in interviews with news sources you otherwise scream are fake news
14. Type “thoughts and prayers” on Twitter
15. Do nothing meaningful, productive, rational, uncorrupt or humane

Republican Mass-Shooting Emergency Checklist

1. Find out the color of the shooter: white = lone wolf/mentally unstable; dark = terrorist
2. If the shooter is a dark terrorist, make empty promises about travel bans and “extreme vetting”
3. If the shooter is a mentally unstable white lone wolf who couldn't possibly be described as a terrorist, well what can you do?
4. If an automatic machine gun was used for the mass murders, scream “Second Amendment!” every two minutes
5. If your name is trump, barely—if at all—acknowledge the shooting and hope that your next catastrophic moral, ethical or intellectual failure will make it disappear
6. Type “thoughts and prayers” on Twitter
7. Fire up the NRA we-need-more-guns spin propaganda machine that’s still warm from last week’s shooting
8. Create a distraction by committing treason
or: Declare that you’re fast-tracking never-discussed infrastructure legislation
or: Blame (in any order) Hillary, Obama, Democratic "obstruction" or the victims who didn't report the shooter's suspicious behavior
or: Bleat that this list is “inappropriate,” ignore that everything on it is documentable and scream that you are offended
or: Just wait for trump’s next batshit eruption, announcement or embarrassment to dominate the news cycle
9. Name all other possible weapons—especially knives!—that could have been used in a mass-shooting murder
10. If your name is trump, describe the murder victims as “beautiful”
11. Feign indignance and bleat “now is not the time” when anyone suggests the country needs to discuss and enact preventive gun control
12. Conspicuously do not declare the proper time to discuss or enact preventive gun control
13. Cite the above pre-packaged propaganda in interviews with news sources you otherwise scream are fake news
14. Type “thoughts and prayers” on Twitter
15. Do nothing meaningful, productive, rational, uncorrupt or humane

Keep this handy for next week

All! Holidays! Matter!

I probably lost them both at Habsburg

But they wouldn’t get it even if I showed them a family tree. Or a suspiciously similar jawline.

More pathological Republican moral hypocrisy

Read about the piece of shit here ... if you even need to

I'm not even going to read this article or google this subhuman filth to check my facts before I state with absolute certainty that this abortion-demanding adulterer has repeatedly barked out his allegiance to the following tiredly predictable, ultimately meaningless party-line positions designed to inflame the passions of his ignorant, uneducated voter base:
* pro-family
* pro-marriage
* pro-sanctity-of-marriage
* pro-"religious liberty" (which we all know is pathetically lazy code for "we hate the gays")
* pro-life (yet pro-assault-weapon)
* pro-ten-commandments
* anti-abortion
* pro-"this is a personal matter, don't ask me any questions, show some respect for my family and personal life"

Whatever your name is, you interchangeable republican moral hypocrite, I hate you. I hope today's comprehensively unsurprising revelations cause you and everyone you love ten times the staggering, crushing pain that you and your words and your votes and your sociopolitical influence have inflicted on every gay person and every terrified pregnant woman and every victim of gun violence in this country.