Shithole Genius’ tweet library is like the Hallmark aisle at Nevergonnabuildthewallgreens

SURE THING!

This shirt seemed like a versatile, suitable-for-all-occasions chemise when I found it for $5 on an Old Navy tumble table way back when Old Navy was relevant and people actually said “tumble table.”

Now I find it slightly problematic for places like work and public locations in general ... so instead I’m wearing it backstage at a wholesome musical cast with legions of corruptible kids who see me as a plausible role model.

But, hey: FIVE DOLLARS

Also: Don’t judge my floofy, savagely untamed hair here; I was freshly showered and rolling my leg injuries as I took this selfie and I hadn’t yet styled my coiffure for our wholesome musical cast with legions of corruptible kids who see me as a plausible role model. SO DON’T BLAME ME WHEN THEY GROW UP TO BE DAMN COMMIE SOCIALIST HIPPIES.

Also: FIVE DOLLARS

Oops! Oops! Oops!

Resting. Mitch. Face.

I just can’t even.

We found a worse Barr than Roseanne!

Whore Bag. Whore Bag.

Yup

You had me at “big stupid dictator playdate"

And then again at “HA HA hashtag sad.”

Today’s epic shit show would be deliciously funny if it weren’t about OUR BIG FUCKING ARROGANT CORRUPT RACIST INEPT IGNORANT ENTITLED SHITHOLE MAN-BOY PRESIDENT. And, by extension, all the big fucking arrogant, morally corrupt, racist, proudly ignorant shithole congresspeople and talking heads and voters who still obstinately defend him.

His signature looks like a KKK rally

Happy Presidents’ Day to our first 44 presidents!

Yup

Karma can be a dick

And it’s people WHO, dumbass

So. Much. Fucking. Winning.

But at least we've created all those domestic jobs and enjoyed the robust economic benefits of multiple trade wars and repealed the unarticulated evils of the ACA and bolstered our international standing and retained all those best people in the administration and lowered our collective golf handicap. 

We interrupt your daily shitstorm to bring you this ...

My Attorney’s Getting Arrested. MAGA!

Fuck trump. Fuck evangelicals. Fuck their fucking arrogant hypocrisy.

This is all well and good, but the trump sheep are going to ignore or dismiss anything Stormy has to say, just like they're doing for all of trump's other sexual grotesqueries that used to be the wedge issue of the reich wing's long-abandoned "family values" joke of a platform. Tony Gayface Perkins literally said that he and the "religious" evangelicals are giving trump "a mulligan" on his half-century of pre-president sexual atrocities.

Their active, hypocritical approval of his lifetime of adultery and sexual assault is fucking the country just as violently as trump has fucked every woman he's been able to get his revolting 239-lb body on.

Republican Mass-Shooting Emergency Checklist

1. Find out the color of the shooter: white = lone wolf/mentally unstable; dark = terrorist
2. If the shooter is a dark terrorist, make empty promises about travel bans and “extreme vetting”
3. If the shooter is a mentally unstable white lone wolf who couldn't possibly be described as a terrorist, well what can you do?
4. If an automatic machine gun was used for the mass murders, scream “Second Amendment!” every two minutes
5. If your name is trump, barely—if at all—acknowledge the shooting and hope that your next catastrophic moral, ethical or intellectual failure will make it disappear
6. Type “thoughts and prayers” on Twitter
7. Fire up the NRA we-need-more-guns spin propaganda machine that’s still warm from last week’s shooting
8. Create a distraction by committing treason
or: Declare that you’re fast-tracking never-discussed infrastructure legislation
or: Blame (in any order) Hillary, Obama, Democratic "obstruction" or the victims who didn't report the shooter's suspicious behavior
or: Bleat that this list is “inappropriate,” ignore that everything on it is documentable and scream that you are offended
or: Just wait for trump’s next batshit eruption, announcement or embarrassment to dominate the news cycle
9. Name all other possible weapons—especially knives!—that could have been used in a mass-shooting murder
10. If your name is trump, describe the murder victims as “beautiful”
11. Feign indignance and bleat “now is not the time” when anyone suggests the country needs to discuss and enact preventive gun control
12. Conspicuously do not declare the proper time to discuss or enact preventive gun control
13. Cite the above pre-packaged propaganda in interviews with news sources you otherwise scream are fake news
14. Type “thoughts and prayers” on Twitter
15. Do nothing meaningful, productive, rational, uncorrupt or humane

Today in Stupid: Whatever. And fuck off.

Get your full helping of whiny bullshit here

So stop your whiny, pants-wetting, transparently manufactured shock and quit already. If it took you until well after you started working for Fox News to realize that "Fox feels like an extension of the Trump White House" and suddenly get "embarrassed" to work there, you're somehow actually stupider than you look on TV. You know damn well what kind of hyper-partisan lies the Fox crap machine splats all over the globe on an hourly basis, and that's exactly why you started working there in the first place. So why are you GIVING INTERVIEWS TO CNN -- the primary network you and your dotard scream ad nauseam is nothing but "FAKE NEWS!" -- now that your integrity diaper needs changing? Save your amateur I'm-so-shocked dramatics for your toxically ignorant viewers.

Who’s gonna man the fort now?

Is Vidkun Quisling available? Check with his people — he may still be hiding out in a Nazi bunker, but he’d be a BRILLIANT fit for this arrogantly corrupt, catastrophically imploding administration-in-name-only.