Get with the program!

Russia is so yesterday. Now I only do my treason with Ukraine.

We found a worse Barr than Roseanne!

I’m not Russian to judgment or anything, but I think a certain bot’s country needs to take a rudimentary caller ID technology class ...

#same

And if you’re going to use big-boy technology like Twitter, ask a random toddler to show you how to rotate photos first. Shithole.

LITANY OF COMPLAINTS:

• Canada apparently burned down the White House while I was asleep
• The Fake News media totally fake-newsily didn’t even cover it
• “Feisty Cherry” Diet Coke
• Antonín Dvořák’s New World Symphony is on the radio right now and I’m trapped because I love hearing the muted ti-ti-ti-tum-tum violin motifs in the third movement and I don’t want to leave the room and miss them
• Not even for a quick run to the bathroom
• Which will happen the moment the entire ti-ti-ti-tum-tum exposition has finished
• Trust me on this
• Because damn, we have a loud toilet
• Autocorrect automatically put the accent in Antonín just now but I had to add all the diacritics to Dvořák myself
• Plus it nonchalantly changed automatically to automagically
• Seriously, autocorrect?
• I’M the only one allowed to make up stupid words on my blog
• Forrealsly
• If autocorrect is going to keep this up, we might as well thank Canada for burning down the White House, disband the last coherent fragments of our country and convert our phone keyboards to Cyrillic right now
• Settings > General > Language & Region > iPhone Language > Russian
• до свидания

LiDur oV tHu fRie WurLd

#SundayShowTunes: Chess

It's very sad to see
The ancient and distinguished game that used to be
A model of decorum and tranquility
Become like any other sport,
A battleground for rival ideologies
To slug it out with glee.

OMG

Today in Stupid: Whatever. And fuck off.

Get your full helping of whiny bullshit here

So stop your whiny, pants-wetting, transparently manufactured shock and quit already. If it took you until well after you started working for Fox News to realize that "Fox feels like an extension of the Trump White House" and suddenly get "embarrassed" to work there, you're somehow actually stupider than you look on TV. You know damn well what kind of hyper-partisan lies the Fox crap machine splats all over the globe on an hourly basis, and that's exactly why you started working there in the first place. So why are you GIVING INTERVIEWS TO CNN -- the primary network you and your dotard scream ad nauseam is nothing but "FAKE NEWS!" -- now that your integrity diaper needs changing? Save your amateur I'm-so-shocked dramatics for your toxically ignorant viewers.

Flashback Tuesday: Location Location Location Edition

Remember when proudly stupid, negative-value politicians used to be kind of adorably funny?

Good times.

PBS, you really, catastrophically suck.

First of all, do NOT get me started on that sixth-grade Blues Brothers medley that brought an irreparable pall of amateur stupidity to your "A Capitol Fourth" broadcast tonight. Or the fact that you clearly spent the evening devising newer and clumsier ways to sneak up on an unsuspecting John Stamos with your cameras.

But the 1812 Overture? As in Russian composer Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky's formally named "The Year 1812" festival overture composed to commemorate Russia's defense of its motherland against Napoleon's invading Grande Armée in 1812? There is nothing about that piece that is pro-America and everything about it that is pro-Russia. And if we didn't need further proof that our man-boy president or his drooling apologists programmed your music tonight, the fact that you skipped all of Tchaikovsky's early exposition and contextual narrative and went right to the loud parts at the end with all the guns and explosions and big hell-yeah booms tells us everything we need to know about your producers' and your target audience's attention spans, cultural awareness and knowledge of history.

I get more meaningful patriotism from the fireworks exploding meaninglessly all over our neighborhood all night.

It's like he's proudly showing us his boogers

It's time for man-boy and his traitors to shift to other accommodations involving the words "lifetime" and "prison"

Crooked H?

How is destroying a phone with a hammer obstruction? You're never gonna make "bleached emails" happen. Your AG apparently can't remember the last time he went to the bathroom, but he definitely knows he didn't talk about Russia in two meetings he doesn't remember being in. And I'd enjoy watching your arrogant delusions come crashing down and eating you alive a whole lot more if you hadn't stolen my rap name.

Is this mean,

 

[my edits in brackets]

"It is essential that we find new leadership [meaning lackeys who know their place] for the FBI that restores [because I've tirelessly and incrementally destroyed it since the early days of the election] public trust [if people don't trust me it's your fault! and Sally's! and Flynn's! and Hillary's! and Obama's! but never mine!] and confidence [the more people I fire who are investigating me, the more confident people are in me, right?] in its vital [did I say vital? I meant inconvenient] law [I AM THE LAW NOW!] enforcement [I "enforce" the law by firing people who will expose me] mission."

Where to start?

1. You're the PRESIDENT. I'm just a citizen in Iowa. Don't tell ME to intimidate a federal witness in a Senate investigation. Quietly instruct your corrupt administration to do it, like you do in your collusions with Russia. Telling me to do it via Twitter makes you look like you're four and you're trying to make me get your sister in trouble.

2. Besides, if I had access to directly grill current and former members of your administration, in three questions I'd have you under a table in the fetal position sobbing in a terrifying web of your own lies, where it would take every ounce of my self-restraint not to kick you repeatedly in the kidneys.

3. Based on your grammar, I'm beginning to believe you actually ARE four; your tweet as written demands that *I* be under oath when I execute your command to intimidate a federal witness in a Senate investigation.

4. I know this next one is tricky -- and it's hard to master homonyms AND golf, especially when you're worried that homonyms will molest your children in Target bathrooms -- but even children reckless enough to go into Target bathrooms know that it's spelled "counsel." For the record, "council" is defined as "an assembly of women so enamored of your celebrity and your thoughtful use of Tic Tacs that they want you to grab their pussies." Councils traditionally convene in the middle of heavy traffic or at the bases of erupting volcanoes. Don't forget to take off your wedding ring!

5. If classified information "got into the newspapers" and you're tacitly confirming it in this tweet, are you lying about it being fake news or are you lying about not reading it?

6. I think five failures is enough for one tweet tonight. Go home not to your wife, get some rest, and we'll start addressing your personal and professional failings again in the morning after tomorrow's 5:00 am tweet storm.

Well, there you have it

He put his tweet that totally proves his protracted innocence in his Twitter banner. If there's one place he wouldn't lie about what he's guilty of, it's on Twitter. He even replaced that picture of his wife he never spends time with anyway with one of a bunch of white men plus a few -- which is more than one! -- lesser brown people giving a group Nazi gang sign. Oops -- did I say Nazi gang sign? I mean thumbs-up. So that proves it. There's NO Russia collusion. Big coincidence. Mystery solved. End of discussion. Plus it's all Obama's fault just in case there IS a Russia/Trump collusion. Which there's not. Businessman!

Grab 'em by the premiums

I keep thinking NOW we've reached the ultimate low for the man-boy administration. Mocking a disabled reporter. Bragging about sexually assaulting women. Blatantly lying about an audit preventing him from releasing his taxes. Mounting evidence that he's colluding with Russia. More FBI investigations than we can keep track of. The exorbitant taxpayer costs of his endless golf vacations and dysfunctional marriage. Machinations to undermine the First Amendment. Flouting endless laws and safeguards and conventions designed to prevent financial conflicts of interest. Mike Pence. Proudly flailing around in a cloud of political and historical ignorance. Desperate attempts to discredit the media and blame Obama for his own catastrophic failings.

And now this.

What bottomless holes will he drive us into next week?