Pop the popcorn, scoop the borscht and pour the vodka. The show's about to start!

Oh, Sweetie. Bless your heart.

1. The way you typed this with your chocolate-cake-covered thumbs, you have your surrogates somehow collectively being a very active president. So yes, you totally have an accuracy problem. Just not where you in your delusional narcissism think it is.

2. It's your surrogates' job to provide accurate information about your administration to the press. Not to hide in bushes. Not to yell at black people. If they don't provide accurate information, they can always use the time-honored "let me get back to you" duck and run, which at least gives everyone the impression that they're taking the time to ask questions and do research to be accurately informed while they're most likely stalling for time to find a way to spin your increasingly delusional and bizarre words and actions into a way to blame big black Barack Obama for your catastrophic failings.

3. Speaking of your catastrophic failings, if your surrogates don't have perfect accuracy, either they're incompetent or you are. Which, again, is Barack Obama's fault. Or Hillary's. Or now Comey's! Your hallucinatory little world is filled with wondrous possibilities.

4. "Lots of things happening" is a conveniently passive way of implying your schedule is just packed with important presidenty things, which in the real world do not involve golfing every weekend at tremendous taxpayer expense, locking up your third failing marriage in a gilded New York tower also at tremendous taxpayer expense, being an appallingly absent parent to all your children except the ones who actively sustain your practices of corruption and self-aggrandizement, and desperately changing your lies about why you fired the Republican-appointed, served-under-four-consecutive-presidents, in-the-middle-of-investigating-you-for-corruption FBI director on the national news and THEN by letter while you knew he was out of town instead of being a big brave professional "businessman" president and doing it in person.

5. "Cancel all press briefings"? Isn't that what a despotic dictator would do? I'll give you a moment to ask your presidential surrogates if anyone knows the word despot.

6. Getting back to point #1, your inability to write an accurate tweet makes your proposal to "hand out written responses" is the exact opposite of "the best thing to do."

7. And while we're on the topic of your tweets, they're getting longer and more punctuationy and more desperately-blame-everyone-else-but-yourselfy by the day. You're not fooling anyone but your arrogance; you are unhinged, flying off the rails, and hopefully literally and very soon slamming your smug face into the side of a mountain in a catastrophic crash of your own psychopathy.

8. I loathe you.

9. I loathe everyone who voted for and still defiantly supports you.

10. I loathe you.

He hid. In the bushes. Sean Spicer. An adult. HID IN THE BUSHES.

I thought this was an Onion headline the first time I scrolled past it on here. But Sean Spicer, the United States White House Press Secretary, ACTUALLY HID IN THE WHITE HOUSE BUSHES TO AVOID DOING HIS JOB OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS FROM THE PRESS ABOUT THE ABRUPT FIRING OF THE FBI DIRECTOR BY THE PRESIDENT HE WAS INVESTIGATING.

Sean Spicer hid in the bushes. Like a four-year-old. Or a cartoon chicken. To avoid doing his job for the president who hired him. The president who didn't fire him for his childish, nationally embarrassing dereliction of duties.

Are you appalled yet, Trump voters? Because I am. By all of you.

#DUH

I'm not even going to fact-check this to confirm it's real before I post it

I'm not even going to give Fox and its willfully ignorant, easily manipulatable viewers the benefit of the doubt on the remote chance they might have information or interpretations or opinions that are true or even valid.

I'm barely even wrapping my head around the events of today and the propaganda machinery like Fox that is inextricably complicit in setting the stage for it all to happen. I keep telling myself that he and they have finally crossed the line where I feel so furious and so frustrated and so helpless that the gloves are off and the civility is over and the wrath is out in full force. And suddenly that line is 100 miles behind us. Again. And again. And again.

How can anyone in any way be FOR this?

OHMYGODPLEASEPLEASEPLEASELETTHISBEREAL

Treasoning like a dog

My usual loathing and contempt for him aside, I kinda feel sorry for Sean Spicer this week. And it's only Tuesday.

All is forgiven though if he has a full-sequin drama-queen meltdown within the next 24 hours. And I mean FULL: smeared mascara, more-debilitating-than-usual incoherency, rended garments and visible evidence of vital organs hemorrhaging out of at least one above-the-neck orifice. Or no deal.

[my edits in brackets]

"It is essential that we find new leadership [meaning lackeys who know their place] for the FBI that restores [because I've tirelessly and incrementally destroyed it since the early days of the election] public trust [if people don't trust me it's your fault! and Sally's! and Flynn's! and Hillary's! and Obama's! but never mine!] and confidence [the more people I fire who are investigating me, the more confident people are in me, right?] in its vital [did I say vital? I meant inconvenient] law [I AM THE LAW NOW!] enforcement [I "enforce" the law by firing people who will expose me] mission."