When you're supposed to be Commander in Chief ...

but you get caught ignoring the families of dead soldiers for two weeks because you're too busy golfing 18 holes and you're already one big-ass hole yourself:

"I like to call when it’s appropriate, when I think I’m able to do it. They have made the ultimate sacrifice. So, generally, I would say that I like to call. I’m going to be calling them. I want a little time to pass, I’m going to be calling them. I have, as you know, since I’ve been president, I have. But in addition, I actually wrote letters individually to the soldiers we’re talking about, and they’re going to be going out either today or tomorrow."

Either he's a big fat liar or he's not a big fat liar. Either way, he's a liar.

go bc I hv

It's grotesque enough that man-boy will be violating my hometown with his simpleton drooling this week, but doddering old Chuck here bragging that he'll miss the cretinfest by spinning his lazy dereliction into an I-showed-up-so-I-get-a-trophy gold star at least lessens the invasion of catastrophic political failures by one.

Oh, Sweetie. Bless your heart.

1. The way you typed this with your chocolate-cake-covered thumbs, you have your surrogates somehow collectively being a very active president. So yes, you totally have an accuracy problem. Just not where you in your delusional narcissism think it is.

2. It's your surrogates' job to provide accurate information about your administration to the press. Not to hide in bushes. Not to yell at black people. If they don't provide accurate information, they can always use the time-honored "let me get back to you" duck and run, which at least gives everyone the impression that they're taking the time to ask questions and do research to be accurately informed while they're most likely stalling for time to find a way to spin your increasingly delusional and bizarre words and actions into a way to blame big black Barack Obama for your catastrophic failings.

3. Speaking of your catastrophic failings, if your surrogates don't have perfect accuracy, either they're incompetent or you are. Which, again, is Barack Obama's fault. Or Hillary's. Or now Comey's! Your hallucinatory little world is filled with wondrous possibilities.

4. "Lots of things happening" is a conveniently passive way of implying your schedule is just packed with important presidenty things, which in the real world do not involve golfing every weekend at tremendous taxpayer expense, locking up your third failing marriage in a gilded New York tower also at tremendous taxpayer expense, being an appallingly absent parent to all your children except the ones who actively sustain your practices of corruption and self-aggrandizement, and desperately changing your lies about why you fired the Republican-appointed, served-under-four-consecutive-presidents, in-the-middle-of-investigating-you-for-corruption FBI director on the national news and THEN by letter while you knew he was out of town instead of being a big brave professional "businessman" president and doing it in person.

5. "Cancel all press briefings"? Isn't that what a despotic dictator would do? I'll give you a moment to ask your presidential surrogates if anyone knows the word despot.

6. Getting back to point #1, your inability to write an accurate tweet makes your proposal to "hand out written responses" is the exact opposite of "the best thing to do."

7. And while we're on the topic of your tweets, they're getting longer and more punctuationy and more desperately-blame-everyone-else-but-yourselfy by the day. You're not fooling anyone but your arrogance; you are unhinged, flying off the rails, and hopefully literally and very soon slamming your smug face into the side of a mountain in a catastrophic crash of your own psychopathy.

8. I loathe you.

9. I loathe everyone who voted for and still defiantly supports you.

10. I loathe you.

He hid. In the bushes. Sean Spicer. An adult. HID IN THE BUSHES.

I thought this was an Onion headline the first time I scrolled past it on here. But Sean Spicer, the United States White House Press Secretary, ACTUALLY HID IN THE WHITE HOUSE BUSHES TO AVOID DOING HIS JOB OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS FROM THE PRESS ABOUT THE ABRUPT FIRING OF THE FBI DIRECTOR BY THE PRESIDENT HE WAS INVESTIGATING.

Sean Spicer hid in the bushes. Like a four-year-old. Or a cartoon chicken. To avoid doing his job for the president who hired him. The president who didn't fire him for his childish, nationally embarrassing dereliction of duties.

Are you appalled yet, Trump voters? Because I am. By all of you.

Have your cake and fucking choke on it

I'm sorry but I'm not done being furious and appalled and repulsed by our man-boy president's "most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you've ever seen" information-prioritization aberrancy last week.

Why on earth would he even think the aesthetic details of his dessert were newsworthy enough to bring up in a high-profile interview about a massive, deadly airstrike that could potentially precipitate a global war?

He seemed completely oblivious to the embarrassment he should have felt admitting that not only was he not in a lengthy, morally and sociopolitically anguishing situation briefing when it happened but also to the emasculating (for someone who's struggled his entire life and then through his unseemly campaign to build his personal brand on a foundation of masculine business ruthlessness and sexual infidelity and assault) embarrassment that he didn't even make the decision to authorize the airstrike before it happened and he learned about it only during a leisurely, diplomatically mortifying dinner after the fact.

He wasn't even embarrassed that he couldn't name the country he let his generals decide when and where to bomb.

Despite obvious conversation topics ranging from humanitarian concerns to hasty retaliation to arms proliferation to the escalation of aggression to minimizing civilian casualties to the reasons he wasn't directly involved in the strategies and the considerations and the very execution of the airstrike, he chose to tell the national news about ... what his cake looked like.

When I was new in advertising and didn't know enough to research and prepare for any possible question on any product- or industry-related topic a client might bring up during multimillion-dollar campaign or strategy pitches, I learned after only ONE mortifying and thankfully not account-destroying desperately-babbling-about-anything-I-could-think-of answer that I drooled out in front of two layers of my bosses and probably four layers of client hierarchy to a completely obvious and to-anyone-else-expected question that I ALWAYS NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING THAT'S GOING ON WITH A PROJECT AND IN WHAT ORDER OF IMPORTANCE IT ALL FALLS when I talked to anyone outside my office. Man-boy clearly has neither the capacity for embarrassment over his intellectual and educational failings nor the interest in making any effort to overcome them. It's like the man playing our president has suddenly fallen ill and his handlers have desperately thrown a babbling toddler in the spotlight to take his place.

And the media and the public continue to focus on the contentless content of his babbling instead of the contentless lack of coherent thought that's driving it ... and possibly driving us into a devastating global war. All because we keep giving our babbling toddler a microphone and a national stage.

Even though he's not entirely sure what country we just bombed.

Those who can't president go golfing

I've never heard our puerile inarticulate man-boy president brag about how awesome he is at golfing. And he's been golfing quite nearly every weekend he's been our failure of a president. And he brags about how awesome he is at EVERYTHING. So he must be as disastrous (one of his favorite words!) at golfing as he is at presidenting.

He gets a lot of practice at golfing and he doesn't get any better. He gets a LOT of practice at lying and he doesn't get any better. Despite his repeated, baldfaced, heavily tweeted declarations to the contrary, he's giving himself very little practice at being president. And by all measures and accounts and logical conclusions he's actually getting worse.

But in his defense, he clearly worked very hard and was very efficient at getting himself under FBI investigation.

Going nuclear

Today, "Fascism Forever" club founder, Constitutional "originalist" and declared Constitutional "faithful servant" Neil Gorsuch was sworn in as the 113th Supreme Court Justice of the United States, a position -- or at least the opportunity to be sworn into that position -- that Constitutionally belongs to someone else.

On August 6, 2016, Senate Majority Leader, integrityless obstructionist, too-lazy-and-corrupt-to-hide-it hypocrite and hideous melted candle Mitch McConnell declared at something literally called the Fancy Farm Picnic in his not-racist home state of Kentucky, "One of my proudest moments was when I told Obama, 'You will not fill this Supreme Court vacancy'" [with then-president Barack Obama's SCOTUS appointee Merrick Garland]. Intentionally -- or incompetently -- misinterpreting the 1992 so-called Biden Rule that proposed that lame-duck SCOTUS nominations couldn't be voted on and confirmed AFTER election day, McConnell declared that "The American people‎ should have a voice in the selection of their next Supreme Court Justice. Therefore, this vacancy should not be filled until we have a new President." He knew he had the Senate majority to support this final belligerent, partisan attack of Republicans' eight years of Obama obstructionism, and the Garland nomination died after 293 days of McConnell's gross dereliction of duty.

On January 31, 2017, our new, inarticulate man-boy president nominated Gorsuch for the SCOTUS seat, and after Senate Democrats -- who knew a 60-vote Senate supermajority didn't exist to confirm Gorsuch -- threatened to filibuster and obstruct the nomination through Constitutional channels instead of through partisan dereliction the way McConnell had, the grandstandingly indignant McConnell whined, "Apparently there's yet a new standard now, which is not to confirm a Supreme Court nominee at all. I think that's something the American people simply will not tolerate."

McConnell had but one weapon of retaliation: the so-called Nuclear Option, which replaces the 60-vote Senate supermajority requirement for SCOTUS confirmations with a 51-vote simple majority, which he knew he had. And which he did. And which resulted in the unholy confirmation and swearing in of declared fascism enthusiast and profoundly dubious Constitutional faithful servant Gorsuch.

And which set an admittedly-on-both-sides-of-the-aisle highly dangerous precedent enabling either party to pack the SCOTUS with extremely partisan judges -- and further and further polarize the electorate and the entire country -- in perpetuity.

In perpetuity. Because of divisive, bellicose partisan absolutism. Because of McConnell's gross and intentional dereliction of duties. Because of racism. Because of personal political gain over the interest and welfare of the country.

In perpetuity.