Here are the final gasping "Waiters' Gallop" jumps from our truly stunning production of Hello, Dolly!

I'm the fourth from the left, but the first to suffer a major cardiac event before curtain call because I'm more than twice as old as all the other waiters. (Delusional, party of one!)

I'm really proud to be a part of this gorgeous show. We open tonight--and my time jumping up and down on this earth is clearly limited, so get your tickets at theatrecr.org before it's too late.

Nancy says hi. And HELL NO.

FIXED IT

Proposed taglines for trump.dating

StrKKKts only!
Taking sheep breeding to the next level!
Swipe Reich!
Take a break from inbreeding!
Have sex for less than $130 million!
Three-wife limit!
Where “happily married people” count as “local singles”!
Date local married singles!
Grab him by the bone spur!
Red hats, white sheets and who cares if you’re already married?
A new way to fuck the whole country!
Where it doesn’t matter how small your hands are!
I do-tard!
Where shitholes meet!

Greetings from the warm beaches under the softly lit palm trees of tropical Iowa!

A Manifesto of End-Stage Syphilis

For starters, a very stable genius would know the difference between winning the popular vote and going down in flames. But there aren’t enough pixels in the world to do full justice to the unmined gems here. His slow-burn implosion would be delicious karma to watch if it weren’t so terrifying for the country.

I have one of those on the end of my toilet brush too!

I just tweeted something rude to Bill O’Rapey

My super-dudebro gym outfit makes me look either trendy and age-appropriate or 49 and delusional

PROBABLY

*Chosen by morons to go golfing

It's probably a toss-up

Which delusional child trying to look sexy at a carnival fake-magazine-cover photo booth looks the least desperate for validation that will never come?

Don't yell

Mock and deride the goatfucking man-boy here

The worst thing about this: This pants-wetting, pussy-grabbing, integrity-devoid, bitch-whiny attention whore is somehow our president.

The best thing about this: The delusionally narcissistic, breathlessly self-laudatory "Apprentice is a television smash!" teaser copy on the not-intelligently-designed fake cover of a magazine that he whines ad nauseam is "fake news" but he clearly saw as credible enough to copy for this pathetic self-promotion is critiqued thusly in the withering Washington Post exposé: "And it has two exclamation points. Time headlines don't yell."

Is this mean,

 

He's reduced his entire communication vocabulary to a catchphrase and an emoji

But at least he spelled stuff right this time.

My most fervent wishes:

1. You crash and burn HARD and FAST in the searing fire of your million delusionally arrogant lies before you do any lasting or permanent damage to our country.

2. You continue to humiliate yourself and your party to the cataclysmic end of your crash-and-burn through the willful ignorance, laughable ineptitude and unhinged, desperate ranting you insist on calculatedly broadcasting for all searchable eternity on social media and self-satisfiedly trumpeting every time you try to fake your way through a coherent sentence in front of the legitimate media you whine so pathetically about but even you know you'd die without.

3. You clumsily try -- and fail before you even start so nobody gets hurt -- to grab one last pussy on your way down so your trifecta of political, social and sexual humiliation is complete.

4. You somehow achieve a level of self-aware sentience that lets you finally realize that the entire world is laughing at you.

5. Once you fully comprehend the consequences of your catastrophic failings as a human being, you finally get the councelling you so desperately need. And that your insurance covers it.

Oh, Sweetie. Bless your heart.

1. The way you typed this with your chocolate-cake-covered thumbs, you have your surrogates somehow collectively being a very active president. So yes, you totally have an accuracy problem. Just not where you in your delusional narcissism think it is.

2. It's your surrogates' job to provide accurate information about your administration to the press. Not to hide in bushes. Not to yell at black people. If they don't provide accurate information, they can always use the time-honored "let me get back to you" duck and run, which at least gives everyone the impression that they're taking the time to ask questions and do research to be accurately informed while they're most likely stalling for time to find a way to spin your increasingly delusional and bizarre words and actions into a way to blame big black Barack Obama for your catastrophic failings.

3. Speaking of your catastrophic failings, if your surrogates don't have perfect accuracy, either they're incompetent or you are. Which, again, is Barack Obama's fault. Or Hillary's. Or now Comey's! Your hallucinatory little world is filled with wondrous possibilities.

4. "Lots of things happening" is a conveniently passive way of implying your schedule is just packed with important presidenty things, which in the real world do not involve golfing every weekend at tremendous taxpayer expense, locking up your third failing marriage in a gilded New York tower also at tremendous taxpayer expense, being an appallingly absent parent to all your children except the ones who actively sustain your practices of corruption and self-aggrandizement, and desperately changing your lies about why you fired the Republican-appointed, served-under-four-consecutive-presidents, in-the-middle-of-investigating-you-for-corruption FBI director on the national news and THEN by letter while you knew he was out of town instead of being a big brave professional "businessman" president and doing it in person.

5. "Cancel all press briefings"? Isn't that what a despotic dictator would do? I'll give you a moment to ask your presidential surrogates if anyone knows the word despot.

6. Getting back to point #1, your inability to write an accurate tweet makes your proposal to "hand out written responses" is the exact opposite of "the best thing to do."

7. And while we're on the topic of your tweets, they're getting longer and more punctuationy and more desperately-blame-everyone-else-but-yourselfy by the day. You're not fooling anyone but your arrogance; you are unhinged, flying off the rails, and hopefully literally and very soon slamming your smug face into the side of a mountain in a catastrophic crash of your own psychopathy.

8. I loathe you.

9. I loathe everyone who voted for and still defiantly supports you.

10. I loathe you.

"Laughing up their sleeves"? Genius!

Are you gonna make that happen like that time you invented "priming the pump" and "Pocahontas" too? Because those totally caught on. You are are truly a scholar, a scientist, a historian and an esteemed inventor of using the words. You're like a worder or something. And ain't nobody laughing up their sleeves (if I may quote the words of a clever man) at YOU. No sir!

What adult do you know who would even THINK to tweet a message like this?

It's like he's trying to explain to his parents that he was four hours late getting home because he fell asleep at a friend's house even though everyone in the room can see the track marks in his arm.

Without a leader

"One of my proudest moments was when I told Obama, 'You will not fill this Supreme Court vacancy,'"
--Mitch McConnell, REPUBLICAN Senate Majority Leader, ONE YEAR AGO

And not that you're a leader by ANY stretch of the imagination -- including your perpetual state of narcissistic delusion -- but Republicans currently control the House, the Senate, the Executive branch and arguably the Judiciary. Except for the rare instances that require a supermajority vote, the Democrats have virtually zero power to obstruct anything. And you, as an impotent, uneducated non-leader, are desperately blaming them for YOUR catastrophic failures as a leader and YOUR lobbyist- and crony-CEO-controlled self-interests.

Congratulations, man-boy. You have managed to sum up your projection, your delusion, your lies, your failures, your petulance, your ignorance and your staggering lack of leadership in one unproofread tweet.