ACA-DON'TTHINKSO!

Not only 1) do the two (2) tickets to Pitch Perfect 3 (Three) that I bought with my handsome man-date last weekend earn us only 1 (one) "free" pin set, but 2) that little asterisk after "Free" (fthree) means one (1) of us needs to cough up $6.95 ($6.95) for shipping, PLUS (+) THERE'S NO PICTURE OF THE ALLEGED PIN SET IN THIS EMAIL so they could be a rusty, typhoid-covered safety (+) pins for all we know, AND ('n') WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT DYSLEXIA SALAD OF A REDEMPTION CODE (Achoo!)?

"Gift" my aca-ss.

That’s on you!

I came late to this tiresome, dick-wall Don’t Blame Me I’m Just The Innocent Messenger Who’s Condemning You To An Eternity Of People Like Me Innocently Trying To Totally Not Call You Evil And Pick A Fight With You blatherfight on Twitter, and I’m always hopelessly unable to not poke the bear in these situations so I had to weigh in:

As my punishment for this thoughtful, nuanced “chat,” I’m now sitting in a slippery-floored Taco Bell wallowing in mystery meat and regret as DeBarge not-at-all-homosexually whimpers his way totally-heterosexual-dude-bro-convincingly through “Who’s Holding Donna Now” (which has — surprisingly! — aged way worse than you’d expect) on the Muzak after just getting a call from the mechanic who’s replacing my brakes to tell me he found a hidden problem that’s gonna double the cost of the replacement.

But hey — that’s on me!

I'm pretty sure he wrote the "Rocket Man" part though

That stupid shit sounds like the stuff he usually coughs up when he's struggling to coin a viral catchphrase in a desperate attempt to distract the world population from his glaring imbecility.

When your head's just not in the game at the gym ...

Redirect your energies toward poking an illiterate circus bear with a tweet stick.

If he got paid a nickel every time he tweeted this, he could eliminate the national debt and pay off Putin by Thursday

And we're back!

When he's not grabbing pussy, blaming everyone for his catastrophic failings or screaming FAKE NEWS! every time he doesn't get his way, Bachelor #2 enjoys concocting meaningless catchphrases and desperately searching for validation everywhere he can find it.

He's reduced his entire communication vocabulary to a catchphrase and an emoji

But at least he spelled stuff right this time.

Jesus

He actually just took time out of his busy schedule of alienating us from the world in a bubble of unsustainable nationalism to tweet THIS again. It's the barely literate, jingoistic equivalent of a high-five emoji. And it's not entirely clear whether he's desperately trying to convince us or himself.