#TwoYears

#NeverForget

RIP John Kelly

Extreme Vetting + Only The Best People still hasn’t given us a bingo though.

And shouldn’t this be in 3D so they can put bars over the Best People going to prison?

Fun fact: Kellyanne Conway has given elevator eyes in a State Department hallway to someone on this porch

Other fun fact: We all ran for a Silkwood scrub the second we learned of this unholy horror.

It's been a whole year now

How's that early-and-active-opiod-prioritizing bullshit going for you and your man-boy messiah, you opportunistic, lying sack of shit?

How is Tillerson gone before Punchable Face Kushner?

My actuarials must be off.

My money's on Jared next

But instead of shouting BINGO! when he's out, I'm gonna shout GAYFACE!

Everyone deserves a chance to lie

#OneYear

#NeverForget

The Celebrity Appresident!

It worked! I don't have an opioid addiction! Praise #MAGA!

That I can tell you

I! Have! Three! Notifications! At the same time!

That's normally my cumulative total for one week.

Oh -- and as usual, Kellyanne is confirming that she's still too stupid to understand the directions on a box of water.

It's time for man-boy and his traitors to shift to other accommodations involving the words "lifetime" and "prison"

I'm so grossed out by what the world must think of us these last few months

And man-boy is rolling the CretinFest 2017 party bus into Cedar Rapids tomorrow. The whole city will be littered with ineptitude, hypocrisy and China-made pro-America hats by the time he oozes away. Gag.

Trumpigation

Could Jay Sekulow possibly be a more arrogantly belligerent, desperate-to-stay-on-script liar then Kellyanne Conway? Maybe they should put together a Grand Guignol act. And take in on the Vaudeville circuit. And be sponsored by coal. Someone should really investigate that idea.

It's like she WANTS us to attack her personally

No. I'm not done being furious about this.

The ACA -- like any early-generation social program -- has its flaws, but it's designed to allow for those flaws to be addressed and corrected as they manifest themselves. The ACA has given millions of Americans -- including me -- reasonably affordable access to vital healthcare that was actively denied to us in the catastrophes of our country's supply-side healthcare model.

For you to actively -- HATEFULLY -- mischaracterize any sick HUMAN BEINGS the ACA may have failed as "Obamacare victims" to make them pawns in your divisive political propaganda instead of working to fix whatever failed them so they can get the medical attention they need is so beyond immoral and unethical that it should bring us all to our knees. And I'm so beyond tolerance for this administration that I'm not afraid to say I actively wish catastrophic medical victimhood on everyone who conceived of and works to perpetuate this moral terrorism.

Kellyanne victims

I've seen "Obamacare victims" in other trumpaganda this week, so little Kellyanne here is just staying on (morally vile and intellectually repulsive) point like she was told to. But she can't even do it right. She just vomits together meaningless talking points without spending a half second to struggle with the non-complexities of context or voice or parallel and then waits by the pellet dispenser for her reward. She's so inept that she's inept at being inept. And she somehow keeps flaring up like a herpes outbreak or a meth relapse. But thankfully not as often as Hair Furor.

I only roll eyes for you

Check out the back of your head here

Yes, Kellyanne. He was rolling his eyes because of your boobs. It had nothing to do with your unyielding full-steam-ahead railroading of your laughably partisan narratives at the expense of all logic or empirical truth. It had nothing to do with your stubborn defense of our indefensible man-boy president. It had nothing to do with your chronic professional victimhood. (Remember that one time you conflated an eye roll over your moronity into a heartless act of sexism? That was classic!) It might have had a little to do with the Woody Woodpecker band uniform you chose to wear to the inauguration, though. 

My biggest complaint is that you were at some point banned from CNN for all your desperate, belligerent lying and yet there you were again this week, like a recurrent herpes outbreak after a nice long dormancy. Your biggest complaint should be that you blew your big comeback and made a fool out of yourself again right out of the gate and then for good measure you went and whined on Faux News and made it all about YOOOUUU. I'd laugh and say never stop being you, but the fact is I can't stand you. The country was catastrophically imploding on itself just fine without all your pointless screeching and whining (now THAT was sexist!) but you had to ruin it all and get reanimated from the dead or crawl out of your goblin hole (now I'm just making fun of your looks! which is also sexist! but it's still just gonna be all about Anderson's eye-roll for you! because that gets you more cheap attention!) and it's been a couple days since the eye rolled 'round the world and you're STILL clogging my Facebook feed with all your pointlessness. 

For the love of all things good and true, you really need to take a longer break before your next attempted comeback. Go somewhere nice. Treat yourself to some rest and rejuvenation. I hear Bowling Green is lovely this time of year.

Things the president has said or done that are praiseworthy

As requested by The New York Times:

• He knows more about ISIS than the generals do.
• He could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and wouldn't lose any voters.
• He's so good at leadership and deal-making that he almost brought his entire majority party together to pass a piece of legislation that didn't involve an executive order.
• He could have prevented the Civil War if Andrew Jackson would have just trusted those deal-making skills.
• He bombed Syria. Or Iraq. Whatever.
• He traveled through time to the year 3010, fought the evil robot kings and saved the human race again.
• He's fathered the eminent scientist and knockoff shoe designer Ivanka Trump, who as we speak is packing her vast, unbiased scientific knowledge into a genuine alligator clutch with a logo-jacquard lining and a pearl-inlay pinch clasp trimmed in signature rose gold to meet with EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt to review the United States’ commitment to the Paris Climate Change agreement.
• Speaking of the eminent scientist and knockoff shoe designer Ivanka Trump, he's so open-minded that he let a Jew into his family. Still no word on his approval of the blacks, though.
• Speaking of eminent, he's an eminent (as all Trumps are) scholar of religion who's learned enough to pronounce it "Two Corinthians."
• He ushered in an exciting new hairstyle that put an end to the man-bun.
• He saved himself money by having all his pro-American-jobs campaign hats made in China.
• He saved the whole country money by golfing in New Jersey instead of New York last weekend.
• He somehow made Kellyanne Conway go away.
• Speaking of disappearing women, has anyone seen our First Lady? Has anyone seen ANY praiseworthy evidence of Trump's third marriage?
• Speaking of Trump's marriages, he generously pays his used wives so much money that they never need to talk to anyone about their relationships with and insights into him, the president of the entire United States.
• He can probably name all of his wives and children. In order.
• He opened a state-of-the-art Holocaust center.
• He gave an entire generation of parents the opportunity to explain to their young children what a pussy is.