Has it really been two years since our modern-day Kennedys and beacons of sacred morality held audience with the pope?

Sigh. It seems like this was only 100 mortal embarrassments ago ...

Did you know mannequins used to be made of wax? AND THEY USED TO MELT?

And I thought *I* had a splitting headache ...

Six days to #Memester!

Today marks three months without Diet Coke for me! And there’s only one way to celebrate!

Let us never forget the collective indignities of sleep apnea, ulnar neuropathy and that wallpaper border

When you jam a snap under your fingernail as you grab the sides of your tearaway stripper pants and then shred every inch of flesh from your shin tripping over a heavy wooden chair in a blackout, you at the very least have two solid reasons to involuntarily yell FUCK! onstage

There were never such devoted cysters

I know two of the (currently four) lumpy little (fatty, non-cancerous) pilar cysts on the back of my head had grown significantly bigger over the last year, and I finally had my mom take a picture of them for me because I somehow was unable to take a decent selfie of the back of my head and anyway HOLY CRAP HOW COME NOBODY TOLD ME HOW HORRIFYING THEY LOOKED? I’m so sorry for scarring all your retinas with their alarming hideousness, but I’m pleased to announce that they’re finally meeting their oozy, squishy, gross demise today at 2:30. (But don’t think the terror is over; there are two left, and I’ve had four removed to date ... and the damn things keep sprouting up. So my disfigurement is more of a journey than a destination.)

Anyway, I’m providing some helpful disguise options for the current enlarged ones to protect you until they’re safely dead and gone. You’re welcome.

Today in NO!

We got Dad an Echo for his birthday in October, and he’s been delightedly asking it to play every song or musical group that’s ever occurred to him ever since.

Unfortunately, he’s run out of acceptable material to listen to, because he just asked Alexa to play an open-ended run of Ferrante & Teicher, and NO! We might as well install a Formica-paneled elevator in the living room and ride it in endless uncomfortable silence as the dulcet F&T song stylings play unsettlingly on low-fi speakers in the background.

In the time it took me to type this, we’ve endured “The Way You Look Tonight,” a samba-flavored reinterpretation of the theme from “A Summer Place” and, as we speak, something Alexa just informed me is called “African Echoes” on bongos and zithers and endless waves of profound cultural discomfort.

NO!

2 days until #Hallowmeme!

(Yes, I’m fully aware that my countdown days are somehow off, but I can’t just skip a number to re-synch everything because that would cause a tear in the time-space continuum, which is how things like walnut brownies, store-bought costumes and Sarah Huckabee Sanders claw their way up from the seventh circle and into the viable world.)

5 days until #Hallowmeme!

Fun fact: Kellyanne Conway has given elevator eyes in a State Department hallway to someone on this porch

Other fun fact: We all ran for a Silkwood scrub the second we learned of this unholy horror.

Olives are the devil’s anuses

I’m now in the market for a new car

because as I was driving home from rehearsal tonight I felt a spider land on my ear and a wisp of spider web wrap across my face so I slammed on the brakes in the middle of First Avenue, ran screaming down the street, came back with an industrial-grade blowtorch and set the whole thing on fire.

I’m also now in the market for a new set of skin because I immediately went to a nuclear power plant and had a full-Silkwood scrubdown.

THINGS! YOU! CAN’T! UN! SEE!

One of us needs some help in the coiffure department today

The other two aren't smart enough to spell coiffure. Or two. Or too and to for that matter.

I can’t tell if I should trust my mother’s unconditional love for politely enduring my 1980s sartorial choices or if I should doubt it for letting me leave the house looking like this

but I’m still wishing her a happy, grateful, respectful, always-loving-back Mother’s Day.

Flashback Friday: Jake Regrets Edition

No words.

OMG

Face Swap is truly the technology of our time

#WeirdStuffICollectOnMyPhone