AND IT'S UNDERCOOKED!

THREE-DAY WEEKEND!

I hope I don't slip up and accidentally go to work on Monday.

That wide, inviting, super-comfy-looking banquette at the far end of Taste of India? DO NOT SIT THERE.

Under the table is essentially a big vinyl-covered mattress with zero option to put your feet on the floor or even bend your legs ... or, in my inflexible case, even get tucked under the table well enough to get anywhere near it.

Five stars for yumminess. Minus 597 stars for having to eat crisscross-creakysauce over my lap and spilling chickpeas all over my ankles.

Yesterday marked an unholy confluence of events that in the mortal world happen only on a frustratingly mismatched timeframe:

I ran out of pre-workout shake mix and post-workout recovery shake mix ON. THE. SAME. DAY.

Fortunately, I've recently purchased two exciting new products that are just waiting for their turn to jump into the rotation ... though never in their wildest dreams did they think they'd do it together. I took a new-family photo* this morning with an artfully tipped shaker bottle for context and an apple because there was one sitting there and it seemed like a healthy (and shiny!) prop.

Anywho, I'm about to chug my first shaker of Beyond Raw LIT Clinically Dosed Pre-Workout in an exciting flavor called Icy Fireworks, which are two words that separately could be horrible ways to die but together I hope taste like Awesome.

Then I'll chug GNC AMP Wheybolic Clinically Proven Performance Protein to recover from my LIT-fueled workout.

THEN I'LL BE HUUUUUUUUGE! Please enlarge your doorways if you want me to visit.

*Slightly bumpy apple and nicked-up shaker bottle sold separately.

I just opened the first bar of a four pack of "refreshingly clean" Lever 2000 Aloe & Cucumber Bar Soap this morning

It smelled vaguely as fresh as a frolicsome summer's morn when I tried to sniff it through the packaging at Target, but when it finally actually touched my skin it unleashed a disquietingly chemical effluvium of neither aloe nor cucumber nor fresh nor frolicsome nor summer.

I apologize in advance if I smell like plastic salad for the foreseeable future.

When you clean out your spice cupboard and discover you’ve accidentally been running an opium den

Zested limes and denuded ginger roots look so sad and naked

But they sure make a peppy fruit glaze!

Things I found in my storage unit over the weekend that I’d feared were lost forever, Brushed Stainless Steel Edition:

1. My banana holder whose graceful arcs complement the organic curves of the fruit it suspends in its noble, counterbalanced mission to prevent unsightly, heartbreaking bruises.

2. My prize souvenir from my one and only trip to Paris: a meta cheese knife with FROMAGE carved out of the blade. I found it in—of all things—a quaint—because EVERYTHING IN PARIS IS QUAINT—little cheese shop near our hostel in the Marais district. It’s a CHEESE KNIFE with the French word for CHEESE carved in it, people!

After surviving an invasion by a foreign royal lineage, beheading the Groom of the Stool (it’s a legit title! look it up!), tooting the court jester’s horn and making a gratuitous dictatorship pun,

I have hereby abandoned the royal wee, abdicated the porcelain throne and rejoined the peasantry in the Commonwealth of Arby’s.

All Liquids Day!

(I’m capitalizing it now because it’s fast-tracked to be designated a national holiday and I don’t want to have to search through my archives to update this post.)

I’m more than happy to spend the day consuming nothing but not-alarming-when-it-comes-back-out-red liquids, but it would be immeasurably easier if the hospital’s instructions didn’t make things on its do-not-eat list sound so deliciously tempting:

Oh, nothing

Just not-fiber-eating at our My Fair Lady opening-night party with the Lady to my Lord Boxington after our STANDING OVATION.

How’s YOUR night?

And so it begins:

The Fiber Finals. The Pulp Probation. The White-Bread Warm-Up. The Mushy-Foods Marathon. The Deliciousness Death March. The Canned-Food Commencement. The Plain-Jell-O Purgatory. The Soft-Bananas Smackdown. The Hearty-Foods Hunger Games. The Pudding Punishment. The Corn-Flakes Correction. The Wet-Noodles Weariness. The Plain-Crackers Plague. The Clear-Broth Commencement. The Full-Grain Forfeiture. THE COLONOSCOPY COUNTDOWN.

I just ate corn on the cob rubbed with lime instead of rolled in butter with grilled peaches for dessert. I AM SO CORRUPTED BY WEIRD EAST COAST VALUES.

Also: HOW MUCH DO WE ALL LOVE THIS DOG? (answer: more than can possibly be measured)

Olives are the devil’s anuses

Charcuterie couture!

Lunch in the Amanas!

Pickled cubes of ham! Cottage cheese with chives! Oven-baked steak! Other foods that have funny German names! Old-timey farmey stuff nailed to the walls! Waitresses who call you Dear! Waddling to the car when you’re stuffed!

Our resident Asian made us avocado toast for breakfast and we’re all photographing it before we eat it

I can’t tell if this makes us Millennials or international gourmands.

#WeirdStuffICollectOnMyPhone

#WeirdStuffICollectOnMyPhone

When you definitely remember putting your lunch on the roof of your car before you opened your door

and you KIND OF remember actually putting it IN your car when you got in and I think we all know where I’m going with this.