Good morning!

Make good decisions today!

I! AM! SO! PLAID!

I’m the plaidest Jake in this whole picture.

Apparently I have an alert fan

1. Bitch Kitty heard my car pull up tonight and stood in rapt attention like this until I came in the door!
2. Mom took this artfully composed, figure-flattering photo to document the event.
3. THEN! BITCH! KITTY! SAT! NEXT! TO! ME! AND! LET! ME! PET! HER!
4. For about 34 seconds.
5. Mom also documented this event with a number of photos.
6. But I looked fat in every one of them so they are wisely not seeing the harsh backlit light of technology.
7. But still ...
8. PROGRESS!

My! Stitches! Are! Finally! Out!

Also: Marlin! Shorts!

I just had 5-Hour Energy for breakfast!

I still haven’t taken the left and right labels off my monitors from when my office moved 18 months ago! Peach-pear La Croix tastes like dust and sadness! Let’s ride bikes! Squirrel!

You will be found

There’s only one thing more certain than me taking a selfie when I’m at the gym: me forgetting where I parked my car when I leave the gym. In my defense, EVERYONE at the gym today came in a silver car.

Also: new haircut!

Also: Disney running shirt!

Also: I finally found my car!

Epic pants purge! With the discerning help of my fashion-maven niece!

From the left: Give-away shorts. Give-away jeans. Keep shorts. Keep jeans.

Ram the ramparts! Trump the TSA!

I made a meme!

Flag Day shirt! With smear of peanut butter down the front!

MISS! BRIDGET! IS! VISITING!

She mortally sucks at looking toward the camera for selfies, so I tried setting up a selfie before calling her and snapping the selfie as she came to me. But she also mortally sucks at not being blurry. So I must now formulate a Plan C ...

!

I! AM! HOME!

This is the exact spot where I stand on our scorched-earth-industrial-unemployment set when the last of my Salacious Security Guard vestments get thrown to the heavens

The effect is a lot more impressive (or not) with costumes (or not) and lights (or not) and orchestra (DEFINITELY! BECAUSE OUR ORCHESTRA ROCKS!).

YOU HAVE SEVEN MORE OPPORTUNITIES TO SEE MORE (OR NOT) OF ME THAN YOU MIGHT WANT TO SEE, PEOPLE!

Opening night pump! Because these show tunes aren’t gonna flex themselves!

It turns out a poorly timed leg day—desperate vanity dictates that I probably should have cycled into a chest day on opening night—is especially unproductive the day after shredding a bacon-size piece of flesh off my shin. But it’s too late now, and my man-fleshy butt is off to the theater for its official show-tune debut.

And to all of you gym members too dumb to notice that I’ve been taking stealth selfies every time I work out: AT LEAST LOOK UP AND NOTICE MY SHIRT!

Rehearsal! Got! Out! Early!

I! Made! A! Meme!

Mary! Poppins! Returns!

Poor Deplorable Diane

She’s neither almost halfway to understanding math nor almost halfway to writing sentences that represent rudimentary American English. She should really go back to her country so we can build a wall to keep her kind out.

Elf The Musical preset time!

It looks like I’m wearing my Doug The Christmas Cop hat in this artfully composed photographic portrait, but I’m not! Because it’s PRESET!

And that, my uncultured friends, is the magic of theater!

Look! I fixed the binding in my Full Monty sheet music!

And I'm in a show with playoff music called BIG ASS TAG! Things couldn't be better.