Let us never forget the collective indignities of sleep apnea, ulnar neuropathy and that wallpaper border

I just discovered that my SnoreLab (née Sleep APPnea) app makes soothing bedtime sounds!

Except both “Rain” and “Light rain” sound like a thousand woodpeckers of death trying to shatter my windows. And “Pink noise” sounds like white noise that shrieks and three-snaps at me. So I’m going to try falling asleep to the dulcet sounds of “Waterfall.” And I’ll hope that while I’m avoiding the horrors of slaughterhouse woodpeckers and three-snap okrrrrrr sounds, I don’t wet the bed.

I hate to brag, but I now have a snore score and you don’t

I’m kinda disappointed that nothing I did last night qualified as epic, but in my defense it was my first time. Plus it was a weeknight and I need to be responsible.

Also: You know how once you’re older than 30 you can’t wait to get to sleep every night? Well, add your first SnoreLab recording session to the equation and that excitement TRIPLES. Last night was the most awesome night I’ve had getting into bed in years. We pentagenarians still know how to party hardly (oops—HEARTY) once the lights go off.

I would have called this download Sleep APPnea

but nobody asked for MY freely offered marketing expertise. Rude.

Anyway.

In the absence of a patient but long-suffering boyfriend to keep awake with my woodchopper snoring, I’m forced to sleep—IN SIN!—with this not-creepy app running in the background to record and chart my snoring so my doctor can monitor the efficacy of my super-expensive anti-APPnea (SEE HOW CLEVER THAT IS?) custom dental appliance.

So I’ll be sleeping with a mouthful of jaw-realigning plastic while my phone secretly records every noise in my bedroom. WHICH ARE THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF ALL LEADING WHAT-ARE-YOU-LOOKING-FOR-IN-A-PARTNER CRITERIA ON EVERY DATING SITE ON THIS AND ALL OTHER LONELYHEARTS-COLONIZED PLANETS EVER.

Indignities. They never end.

Part of the uncompromising fun of having sleep apnea is discovering that your CPAP machine doesn’t work for you.

The next fun part is when you get CPAP-incompatible-shamed by the CPAP people when you return the machine. Seriously. I’ve been treated more respectfully by high-school bullies. Anyway, I’m about to find out the fun (read: hopefully, FINALLY sleep-through-the-night rest) of wearing this custom-made opaque-blue air-passage-opening dental appliance, which after months of insurance hoops and scheduling delays and measurements and waiting finally became mine this afternoon. And it came in a teeth-festooned bag!

So here goes nothing. Wish me rest ...