You guys!

Three out of four Musketeers tell me I’m awesome and rockin’! The fourth says I’ll die alone, sobbing under a seat in coach. Which is impressive to get all crammed on one so-called “fun” size wrapper.

Anyway, the clear takeaway here is that chocolate loves you back. EAT YOUR FEELINGS! Before you die alone, sobbing under a seat in coach.

I made a meme!

Six days to #Memester!

I’m tired of your shit, Dove. PICK ONE.

SWEAT POO

WARNING: Not yummy. Not even a little bit.

Unless you’re jonesing for the taste of amoxicillin. Because you’ve caught Valentine’s Day gonorrhea.

Sparklejolly

Everything on our ... well ... ELFIN—and I have no idea how we’re all going to fit on such a tiny piece of real estate—Elf The Musical set is snowy white except for the delicious candy cane I’m wearing. And, of course, for the giant Target logo radiating its promises of charming, affordable holiday decorations in the background.

Mommy, why doesn't Jake have a boyfriend?

Because he eats too much sugar, Timmy. And because he thinks dappled roseate colorways make sense next to earthy brown colorways.

Things I’m not totally hating but not hoard-level loving so I’m sharing them at work:

I’m tired of your shit, Dove. PICK ONE.

Bro, do you even lift?

There is no fate worse than tossing a purple jelly bean in your mouth and discovering too late that it's actually a black jelly bean.

No, actually there's no fate worse than smugly and happily trying to force a hastily written bill through the Senate -- so fast that many party-line-voting Senators later admitted they hadn't even read it -- that takes away people's access to healthcare without providing a viable, bipartisan, medically reviewed replacement when this picture of your skinny-leg-Barbie-weights-stupid-backward-bro-hat-whatever-douchebag-gesture-you're-making-with-your-hand self is always and forever circulating on the Internet.

Peeps are not your peeps

Things to do on the vernal equinox

1. Welcome the first day of spring after surviving a brutal spring-like winter.
2. Tell the crocuses that all that previous warm weather was a cruel false alarm and that it's probably safe to come up now and fill our gardens and lives with white and purple and yellow joy. But especially yellow. Because I like yellow crocuses the best. No offense, lesser white and purple crocuses.
3. Marvel that humankind has figured out the rotation of the planets and the tilting of the earth's axis and the location of the equator and the EXACT FREAKING SECOND that the sun crossed it today as the earth's axis reached its momentary equilibrium and tilted neither toward or away from the sun.
4. Recalibrate -- if necessary -- your internal compasses by observing the due east and due west locations of today's sunrise and sunset. (Equinox nerds only.)
5. Softball "Fascism Forever" club founder, Constitutional "originalist" and declared Constitutional "faithful servant" Neil Gorsuch through confirmation hearings for a Supreme Court appointment that Constitutionally belongs to someone else.
6. Indulge in the sadly-once-a-year crispity, crunchety, maltedy, chocolatey, fatassy, lightly speckled deliciousness of Brach's Malted Milk White Fiesta Eggs.