Saturday, February 02, 2019

Observations from the field

The secretive, elusive and—DUH—stealthy stealthfier has developed a heightened feeling of comfort in his new brodude gymnasium surroundings and is escalating from his initial timidity and instinct for social self-preservation to now displaying a precipitous drop in common sense and a brazenness not traditionally observed in any heavily populated, non-stand-and-model gym habitat. To wit: Observe how he has abandoned his heretofore steadfast habit of sneaking up-the-nose-to-the-harshly-lit-ceiling stealthfies from his sweaty lap and begun to purposefully suck in his gut and blithely twist his iPhone for a quickie (a quickie STEALTHFIE, perverts) with devil-may-care concern for detection, focus, observable F-stop comprehension or rudimentary photographic composition.

What could cause this abrupt deviation from his deeply entrenched norms? In-the-field brocial anthropologists have posited the highly plausible theory that he’s nauseated to the point of profound disorientation by today’s brodude-gymnasium-sound-system song playlist titled Painful, Instantly Forgettable Songs That Each Repeat The Same Six Words Ad Nauseam Until You Poop Uncontrollably On The New Equipment Or More Preferably Just Take Slightly More Brazen Gym Stealthfies.

We will need to undertake more rigorous in-the-field observation to establish a possible causal relationship. Hopefully with a slightly less shitty playlist.

(CONFIDENTIAL NOTE to the guy in the tight gray technical shirt and butt-hugging black shorts so you all better not read it: Dude. I’m as addicted to my iPhone as the next powerless-over-checking-Facebook-every-three-minutes guy, but even I know to put away my damn phone WHEN I’M LITERALLY PEEING NEXT TO SOMEONE—ESPECIALLY ME—AT A URINAL. It honestly looks like you’re pretending to be on your phone so you can not-so-secretly peek over the partition at my winkie. And that is NOT the story of how we met that I want to tell our grandchildren.)

(CONFIDENTIAL NOTE to the guy in the red sleeveless shirt and loose gray gym shorts so you all better not read it and I really mean it this time: Never stop jumping rope.)

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