Vocabulary quiz

My cute little hexagonal-column knickknack pedestals arrived today and I organized them in artful clusters on my knickknack shelf and then carefully displayed my carefully curated running and theater and Disney knickknacks on them and how many times can I say knickknacks in one sentence?

OR:

My cute little hexagonal-column objets d’art pedestals arrived today and I organized them in artful clusters on my objets d’art shelf and then carefully displayed my carefully curated running and theater and Disney objets d’art on them and how many times can I say objets d’art in one sentence?

E-I-E-I-O

I’m washing and drying our poultry-themed knickknacks and the top drying towel in our kitchen drawer had a bovine motif and there’s an eagle on that antique green bottle and long story short don’t come over because it’s an absolute zoo here.

Also: There are few things in life more satisfying than rinsing the dust off of plastic flowers with a squirt of soap and the spray nozzle on the sink faucet.

One corner of the bedroom is DONE! Maybe.

1. When you coincidentally buy pieces of décor that look like they were made to go exactly together, it is pre-ordained by a mountain of cruel, angry gods that THEY WILL NEVER LINE UP.
2. If you buy something with patterned cutouts laid over mirror, get used to living with clouds of oily smudges or learn to decorate for distraction.
3. When you discover the evidence of a lifetime predilection for buying Francophile wall hangings and Eiffel Tower objets d’art, group them proudly and enjoy them over les casse-croûte of French toast and Châteauneuf-du-Pape.
4. Yes, that is Prince Albert in a can.

Things I found in my storage unit today PART III

• A nephew
• A bejeweled jacquard whorehouse lampshade
• A general lack of shame

Things I found in my storage unit today PART II

• A green glass head
• A green headless dressmaking doll
• An apparent history of questionable taste

Things I found in my storage unit today PART I

• A friendly nisse
• Blue suede cake mix
• Prince Albert in a can
• Brett Somers
• Elton John

Treasures I uncovered today in my storage unit, part two:

• My collection of tourist-trap figurines from my world travels that I figured I’d never find again among the bajillion unopened boxes I have yet to spelunk BUT I DID
• The glazed ceramic Eiffel Tower ring stand/change dish I have no business owning because I don’t wear rings or carry change but it’s charming and Francophiley and I love it so shut up
• A red Chicago Marathon cowbell that all the spectators jangled along the race route to keep us fired up or at least running in fear from all the crazy people jangling cowbells at us
• National Treasure, the American Da Vinci Code and my gateway drug to swooning over all things Justin Bartha
• MY HELLA COOL A CHORUS LINE BOOK
• Three stray unmatched socks I thought might possibly pair up with the pile of lonely, forlorn unmatched socks I’ve been holding onto for years just in case their prodigal other halves eventually showed up ... AND TWO OF THEM DID!

Things I unearthed in this weekend’s storage-unit excavation, from left to right:

* All those random electronics cords that the world has been searching for in our collective, almost desperate random-electronics-cords drought (sorry!)
* A rubber keychain from a Chicago marathon that I will neither ever use nor apparently throw away
* A half-used container of Body Glide that—get your minds out of the gutter—distance runners use to prevent chafing on rubby body parts and that I’ve used only as a very precautious precaution because I’ve never really had chafing issues but I’d rather not discover that I do halfway through a long, sweaty run
* Art magnets for the art-magnet collection I forgot I once started and clearly never spent much time growing
* The knee brace that got me through my first marathon (can you tell I stumbled on a big box of running stuff in my excavation?)
* A crackle-finish ceramic hand that I bought during my Decorating With Fake Body Parts Phase that if I remember correctly also included a phrenology head, a skull and a fully articulated skeleton on a fake-old-timey stand (all of which no doubt await discovery in a future excavation trip to the storage unit)
* Two souvenir Disney luggage tags that currently contain business cards from four addresses ago, but that’s about to be fixed.

I also found an unopened package of razors and a slightly crumpled box of #10 envelopes that seemed a shame to just throw away, but that’s all so unimportant that I won’t even mention them here.

I’m kinda really excited to report that I’m jumping back into the world of choreography, but in baby jumps (the metaphor, not the actual choreography)

I’m choreographing “Jitterbug”—the only real dance number in The Wizard of Oz—for Jefferson High School’s spring musical (which, as some of you might guess, is The Wizard of Oz). I start teaching tomorrow—just as soon as my tiny-armed assistant and I figure out what the hell to do with the second bridge of the endless dance break. And I’m a stalwart opponent of box steps, so don’t even think about suggesting those.

My grandmother made this. In the nursing home. Two decades ago. It's a family heirloom. DO NOT JUDGE.

OK, you can judge. Because how did Grandma get her hands on a beer bottle for her nursing-home craft class? Perhaps the answer to that question is the key to unlocking the mystery of the uneven antlers.

When you should be asleep but you realize if you don’t haul out all your Christmas crap now it’ll suddenly be Easter and you’ll wonder why the hell you spent $23 on clearance tabletop trees last January

So here are the Stations Of Christmawesomeness, in order:

1. The Enchanted Forest Of Silver Shimmers And Crisp Aspen Whites

2. The Gold Medal Glen

3. Red As A Reindeer’s Freshly Expressed Glands

4. Evergreens And Bluish-Green Wannabes That Maybe Could Be Called Mrs. Peacocks If I Could Get Those Naming Rights

5. The Sad Land Of The One Lonely Blue Reindeer Who Is Probably Dying Of Frostbite Or Something Just As Unsightly

6. Tons Of Fucking Reindeers Because I Can’t Fucking Stop Buying Fucking Reindeers On January Clearance But At Least They’re All In A Metallic-Shimmer Palette And Yes Those Are The Same Paint Chips That Were Stuck To The Bookshelf Last Year Because I Can’t Decide What Shade Of Old-Money-Rich-People-Blue To Paint My Bedroom It’s A Big Decision So Don’t Rush Me Shut Up

Pointless Knickknacks I Have Bought, Volume 5: This Cat-Thing

When you accidentally buy everything you’ve been storing in your Amazon shopping cart ... and the box finally arrives ...

I! HAVE! DUSTED! ALL! THE! WINES!

I think that my new drag name shall now and forever be Princess Glitterglobes

I’m fully stocked for my post-Follies return to the gym

(Decorative tin and beanbag juggling cows sold separately.)

Beware the Memes of Jake

Unnecessary Things I Bought Tonight At Target, Volume I

Let’s not kid ourselves, people

In a weekend filled with epic events and Herculean accomplishments, the most important milestone for the record books is the harmonic convergence of my mom finding some sweet replica Titanic stoneware she’d bought me 18 months ago and forgotten to give me AND me finally finding a Lilliputian plate stand small enough to hold the Lilliputian Wedgewood plate I’d bought at an estate sale almost three years ago. But time has a way of catching up with all knickknacks, and now my little family of historic dustables is finally assembled and artfully displayed and ready to represent my taste and personality and did I mention exquisite taste on the world stage.

Goodbye, glittery-ass Christmas decorations!

Welcome back, cheap-ass attempts at artful arrangements of minimalist, architecturally inspired dustables!