* A security question change
* A hide-and-seek link on the website
* A sudden requirement to download an app
* A five-minute wait for the app to download an upgrade
* A Digital Security Device activation code sent via text
* A Digital Security Device activation code sent via email
* A message with a little red stop sign saying that my account online activity has been suspended
* A phone call
* A third Digital Security Device activation code sent via text
* A customer service rep named "Dave" who asks me how to pronounce "Iowa"
* A four-business-day wait
* Plus a seven-day wait for my check
To close an untouched-for-eight-years online account with a balance of $107.69.
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