Let’s hear it for the Rainbow Tour!

I was up way past my bedtime at callbacks last night so I didn't go to the gym this morning so I have no new chapter to report in the penny-dreadful saga of The Mystery Secret Gym Boyfriend With The Beguilingly Handsome Calves(C).

[Private note to The Mystery Secret Gym Boyfriend With The Beguilingly Handsome Calves(C) so don't any of you snoopy, gossipy Facebook friends read this because as I just clearly said it's private and I've decided I'm even going to whisper-type it so you won't even know I'm saying it so mind your own beeswax: I SHOULD BE AT THE GYM TOMORROW AT 1:00 IN CASE YOU HAPPEN TO MAYBE WANT TO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PERHAPS ADJUST YOUR SATURDAY SCHEDULE AND BE THERE AT THE SAME TIME I PROMISE NOT TO MENTION BREAD. OOPS.]

So here's an interim gym-related news item that I am selflessly providing for you until I have a chapter three to report about The Mystery Secret Gym Boyfriend With The Beguilingly Handsome Calves(C): As you know, I'm still on my Top 14 Most Active Gym Members From The Week Of November 3, 2015, Worldwide Victory Tour (see chart above). But Facebook tells me today's my two-year anniversary of earning my scepter and tiara, and I wanted to take a moment to remember the humble beginnings from a more innocent time where it all began. So a moment of silence, please.

I SAID SILENCE. Shut up already. Jeez.

Now. I'm heading back out on my Top 14 Most Active Gym Members From The Week Of November 3, 2015, Worldwide Victory Tour with stops this weekend in Wahoo, NE, and What Cheer, IA, but -- as just a casual, means-nothing, there's-really-no-useful-reason-to-even-mention-it closing thought -- I SHOULD BE AT THE GYM TOMORROW AT 1:00. Ahem. Bread. Oops.

A dumb bar walks into a Poland

Is he done blathering to Poland about how Polish Americans helped him win an election nine months ago? Because I want to venture out into the adult world and rock my booshy moostache and El Camino T-shirt.

Zut alors!

If he's importing cars from France, then his rallying cry of American JOBS! JOBS! JOBS! must be a bunch of merde.

Ugh

The physical headache that kept me in bed all day is mostly better. The man-boy headache proudly endures, though. I'm gonna bet he didn't know what NATO stands for or who's in the G7 -- or more importantly, why they are -- until last Monday.

Survey says ...

Tired! Eva? Tired?

Orb backward is bro

Everything's just wonderful!

Didja do anything productive with the students, Melania? Share knowledge? Celebrate cultures? Offer tips on contouring or gold-digging? Or was it just all about you having a wonderful time?

Ya know, your man-boy husband does the same thing in his tweets: He always reports that he has "good meetings" with people as though that were newsworthy or valuable information to share with the public. He never reports topics discussed, commonalities found, diplomacies achieved ... just the relentless goodness of every meeting he has. It's like neither of you has critical thinking skills, the ability to interpret experiences or shape narratives, a useful education, or even shame over the fact that of all the things that happen in your glamorous, influential, tireless-public-servant lives, all you can ever seem to come up with when you decide Hey! I should put this on Twitter! is that your meetings were good ... or to your great fortune today, wonderful.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were both pointless, uneducated, narcissistic, tone-deaf hypocrites who suck the blood of taxpayers and sleep on beds of dead children. But we all know that's not true. As you told us in your tweet today, all you do with children is have a wonderful time with them. And that's just wonderful!

Man-boy is like Hallmark

He has a cherished old tweet for every occasion.

"Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates will reportedly pledge $100 million toward a fund for women entrepreneurs that was built by Ivanka Trump."
--The Hill, May 21, 2017

And by "meaningful" you mean "meaningless"

Your dad literally tried to ban an entire religion from our country. To refresh your selective, delusional, self-serving memory, he demanded "a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States." Which is the exact OPPOSITE of "promotion of religious tolerance globally."

Either your entire family is stupid or you all desperately hope that what's left of your moral and intellectual swamp of a base is.

Don't come back from your trip, Ivanka. Any of you. You're not good enough to call yourselves Americans.