I didn’t run the July 4 8K today for the first time in ever because my stupid five-week migraine prevented me from training

And it was soul-suckingly humid this morning, so I didn’t think it would be a good idea to try and power through it. But Facebook made a point of reminding me of a bygone day of 8K running and personal besting (8:32 pace!) and 32-inch waisting. So there’s that.

I’m tired of waiting

I have an 8K I want to run in three weeks and I need to train and my head pain is as low as it’s ever been over the last four weeks and I’m wide awake anyway and I’ve kept my running watch charged all this time just in case and I’m wearing my lifeguard shirt in case I drown so even though my ears are still screaming EEEEEEEEE in my head and my hair looks as lush as my hostas FUCK THIS HEADACHE PAIN—I’M GOING RUNNING!

I may be back in three minutes or three miles. Stay tuned ...

50 Things About My Fourth Of July:

1. I ran my 8K this morning with 99.76% NO PAIN. 
2. See what I did there?
3. I said .76 because of 1776!
4. Because I am nothing if not mathematically patriotic.
5. I hadn’t realized how defeated I’d gotten over my stupid hip injury and the fact I hadn’t run a step in 10 days, and the fact that the pain is gone has filled me with near euphoria.
6. WOOT!
7. As the cool kids say.
8. Rule No. 1 for running is to NOT try something new on a race day.
9. No clothes that you’ve never worn before.
10. No foods that you’ve never eaten before.
11. Because that’s DUMBASS.
12. But I’m a total dumbass.
13. Because I bought new compression shorts yesterday to hold my brittle, aging hip parts in place at the advice of a Facebook friend.
14. While I was at it, I also got some new running socks that have padded collars in the backs to prevent my super-cute patriotic running shoes from sanding away my Achilles tendons like last time.
15. Plus I dug out my long-overlooked patriotic sunglasses that I don’t remember fitting very securely.
16. Because why not?
17. Oh! I also dumbassedly chugged a never-before-introduced-into-my-body Rocktane(R) Ultra Endurance Gu(R) Energy Gel before the run.
18. But everything worked out perfectly and didn’t give me any problems.
19. Except.
20. Ex. Cept.
21. EX! CEPT!
22. Compression shorts—which I’ve never worn until this morning’s race—not only don’t feel noticeably compressiony but they do nothing to keep the seatbelts fastened for the bumpy ride.
23. NOTHING.
24. So after bouncing around in their slippery, unsupportive pouch for 4.97 miles this morning, my Margos are what we will politely call Channinged.
25. Ouch.
26. Ouch ouch ouch.
27. Also: They’re made with the same Super Slippery Slipperiness(R) as gym shorts.
28. Super Slippery Slipperiness(R) + Super Slippery Slipperiness(R) = MY GYM SHORTS WOULDN’T STAY UP.
29. I’m sassy!
30. After the race, I foam-rolled my hip even though it didn’t hurt.
31. Because I’m responsible hip owner.
32. While I was on the floor rolling my hip, Bridget sat down next to me to keep me company.
33. Just look at this picture of us.
34. LOOK AT IT!

35. I. Love. That. Dog.
36. Then I fell asleep sitting up in a chair.
37. Because the Rocktane(R) Ultra Endurance Gu(R) Energy Gel had clearly worn off.
38. I was still wearing my finisher medal.
39. Yes. I’m THAT guy: The douchebag who SLEEPS IN HIS DAMN RACING MEDALS. 

40. I ran into so many—SO! MANY!—wonderful friends before and after the race this morning.

41. Including—but not limited to—my training buddies Rob and Scott and my saintly friend David, who patiently ran at my old-injured-man pace with me through all 4.97 miles.
42. Even when I had to stop and walk.
43. Which I’m thrilled to announce was because it was insanely hot and not because my hip hurt.
44. WOOT!
45. Again, as the cool kids say.
46. So—unless this morning was a fluke—my Summer Of Running Away From Being 50 is BACK ON!
47. With super-slippery compression shorts if Margo and I feel like I need them.
48. Plus real, ACTUAL support from Bridget.
49. And that’s #HowToTurn
50. #50!

Finished! And my hip feels great! Seriously!

OHMYGODYAYYAYYAY! 

But now we’re stuck behind a damn train on the way home.

And we’re off!

Only a gay man would artfully arrange his running attire for a night-before photo

I could say I haven’t eagerly to the point of giddiness waited until I could FINALLY pin a racing bib in its designated place of honor on the front of my new Summer Of Running Away From Being 50 shirt since the moment it arrived in the mail over a month ago, but we all know I’d be lying.

I could also say I haven’t eagerly been planning my patriotic little running ensemble since this time last year, but I’d only partly be lying because I didn’t know until today that I’d be wearing brand-new compression shorts to hold the randomly loose parts of my aging, brittle hip in place for tomorrow’s 8K.

Bonus purchase: cushy new running socks! With a pop of neon lime! To tie everything together with my red-and-neon-lime Rocktane(R) Ultra Endurance Gu(R) Energy Gel!

#HowToTurn50 #LetsDOTHIS

It’s my first time running on my damn crippled hip in nine days

and it’s my whatever-mileage-doesn’t-hurt test run for tomorrow’s 8K. Observant readers will notice my patriotically appropriate attire. GIVE ME LIGAMENTS OR GIVE ME DEATH!

See that smile on my face? It's a damn dirty LIE.

We just ran five miles (the crowd goes wild! wooo!) in gorgeous weather (the three of us go wild! wooo!) with springy, right-out-of-the-box stability and chafe-free comfort in my new shoes (I go wild! wooo!) but OH MY GOD MY LEFT HIP HURTS (the crowd winces in empathetic pain).

#HowToTurn50 #WithOldHips

Day 4 of 7

Seven days of black and white photos about me. No people. No explanations.