Wednesday, December 29, 2004

What are you doing tomorrow morning at 8:30?

I’ll be blissfully unconscious as a doctor pokes me full of holes and sucks out mound after jiggly mound of stubborn, unsightly fat from my lower back and abdomen. (Click here—if you dare—to see the hideous disfigurement man repellant mushy goo I’ve spent the last 20 years working very hard to hide from the rest of the world.)

That’s right: I’m having liposuction. Plastic surgery. Body image issues. A vanity crisis. “A little work done,” as they say in more polite circles.

And I’m fucking STOKED about it!

Everybody who makes the decision to fork over a sizeable chunk of money to undergo an invasive—and wholly unnecessary—surgical procedure like this has a litany of rationales for doing so. Here are mine:

• I have worked out with medium to heavy intensity five days a week since I graduated from college in 1990, pushing my once-skeletal 6'1" frame from 151 lbs to a peak of 203 five years ago. I’ve leveled off around 190 since then, and I don’t see myself ever getting any more muscular. Though I keep trying.

• My diet is, for the most part, exemplary. I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t eat crap like Twinkies and potato chips and candy, I barely drink pop, I indulge in fatty desserts only if they’re among my few favorites (like molten chocolate soufflés and Breyer’s vanilla ice cream)—and what I do eat falls into the vegetables/fruits/lean meats/skim milk/egg whites category.

• I’ve been running regularly for 10 years, and I enter three or four serious races every summer. I always take the stairs. If I’m going somewhere that’s under three train stops away, I walk. I ran a frickin’ marathon this year.

• Despite all of this, my love handles (the lipo doctor calls them “flanks”) have sat defiantly on my hips since high school, immovable (aside from their constant jiggling) and undeterred by all my healthy living and obsessive exercise.

So the biggest reason I’m getting the fuckers sucked out for good is that I’ve earned the right to parade around with ripped abs and a tiny waist.

Of course, there are other reasons as well:

• The love handles bother me so much that I almost never take my shirt off in public. I haven’t worn a swimsuit in three years.

• I’m not really keen on being naked in front of other guys. Despite what my reputation would have you believe.

• I’m clearly a victim of the ubiquitous body fascism that keeps gay men—and, apparently, straight men as well—filled with self-loathing and the unquenchable desire to have lipo and take steroids. (Though I am NOT in any danger of taking steroids. I don’t do any drugs, remember? Besides, I like my big balls and smooth skin and even temper just the way they are.)

• And I’m not kidding myself here: A smaller waist will attract hotter men. I hope. And though I’m fully aware these won’t necessarily be quality men, I plan on enjoying their attention to the fullest of my ability.

I have been surprised, though, at the almost white-hot anger this topic has inspired in some of my friends. I had no intention of keeping it a secret—I saw lipo as just another interesting adventure in my never-let-myself-get-bored life—but some of my friends have gotten seriously, voice-raisingly mad at me for even thinking about it. So now I bring it up only when I absolutely have to (as in “I can’t come in to work on our week off because I’m having surgery”) and, if pressed for details, I evasively refer to it as “back surgery.”

As I’ve stated here repeatedly, I don’t go into debt for anything beyond a mortgage—and maybe a car payment when my 10-year-old Neon finally goes to that shady Dodge dealer in the sky. And something as frivolous as lipo is no exception to that rule. I opened what I half-jokingly called my lipo fund four years ago, and I’ve auto-deposited a couple hundred bucks a month into it since then. I told myself that when it got past five grand—the point where I could actually write a check for the procedure—I’d see if I still really wanted to go through with it. Well, I hit five grand early this fall, and I realized I’d been thinking about it constantly all that time. So I researched doctors, made an appointment, got a quote and decided to pull the trigger a month ago. I even opened a credit card with a 0% APR for 16 months so I could pay it off in interest-free installments and keep my lipo fund liquid (so to speak) and interest-bearing as long as possible.

And the buyer’s remorse I thought I’d get when I made my non-refundable payment two weeks ago? Forget about it! I’ve had nothing but buyer’s giddy excitement! The little fuckers that have been fighting my every attempt at 30-inch-waistdom are going DOWN tomorrow. They’re going down HARD and they’re going down for GOOD.

And—if you can stomach it—I’ll give you all the gory details (with pictures!) of my surgery, recovery and re-emergence as Small Waist Man this summer. Just in time for thong season!


Todd said...

Congrats on making what had to be a huge decision. Best of luck tomorrow, and let us know how you're doing!

TheBrad said...

If you want it and it makes you happy and it doesn't hurt anyone, it's OK by me. At least that's what my mother always told me. And now I'm telling you.

On the other hand, if you don't like the results and decide you want your flabby bits back, I hear you're pretty handy with caulk.

Anonymous said...

You are a beautiful man! You do not need lipo! But if you are going to do it----I hope you are not doing it to impress others by taking off your shirt. You can do that already.

Ryan said...

So you're just going to throw out your heaping piles of jeans that will no longer fit?

I've never been an advocate of plastic surgery, but lipo isn't as big of a deal in my opinion. It certainly sounds like you've given it a ton of thought, and that's great. I hope everything goes smoothly.

Jeff said...

Please just remember, as you go through this, a thong is always wrong. I don't care if you have a 30-inch waist or a 300-inch waist. Beyond that, go for it!

Holden said...

Hey... I think you should go for it since you have given it a lot of thought and you have the money for it. Personally, I think you're fine the way you are but sounds like you'd be happier if you get it so go for it. Good luck. I'd do it too if I have the money but I am fat so that's a whole different chapter.

Peter said...

I've got nothing against lipo as such (you won't see me doing it though), but if I may offer a bit of free advice, it seems to me that you've been blaming your "flanks" for your lack of success in your love life. I would just really hate for you to shell out all that cash and then still have the same issue. Men are weird, and it's pretty hard to tell why they're not attracted (or not sufficiently attracted, I should say). Or, maybe I'm just really dense and don't understand these things. Of course, looking good is its own reward, so that alone might make the lipo worthwhile.. OK I will stop now. Cheers, and best of luck!

Anonymous said...

I hope all goes well with your surgery and when it's all done you're all healed up, you will find yourself unable to go out in public without hoardes of men running after you. "His waist is so small," they will say as they jog behind you, "I must have him!" Or, at the very least, you'll be able to wear a bathing suit and that is important because swimming is fun.

I would also like to congratulate you being a finalsit for a BOB award ( Jake in O5!


nolodger said...

First, I wish you well with your surgery. Any medical procedure is risky and should not be taken lightly.
Second, OH MY GOD!
You are a great looking man.
That little bit of stuff around your waist isn't what is keeping men away or putting you in a relationship.

Sounds like you have a pretty nice life already despite your complaints of no relationship.
Revel in your blessings.

At least take your shirt off this summer despite the surgery's success, I am sure you wouldn't get any complaints.
And aside from all the physical stuff we gays find soooo important. Look beyond physical and into the hearts of others. (Corny but true)

Sweet Cheeks Mom said...

You're a sexy guy, no matter what way you look at it, there's no way to get around that. Personally, I find your "flanks" sexy. Then again, I'm sure you're not looking for the approval of a woman :) Good luck.

Will said...

I'm close to a couple of guys who I suspect have done steroids but I don't know anybody who's done lipo. Please do report on the experience and even post some pics--I've had the same problem since before college and am very interested. And, best of luck! Hope it works for you.

David said...

Just don't get my favorite part of you reduced...,

Dantallion said...

Hope it went well. Happy recovery.

J. said...

your $, your life, your call. No big.

However, I would like to share that even though I had only met you literally for like 3 seconds, I found you so charming I did an internet search that brought me to this blog. Since then, by reading your posts I have also discovered you to be an intellegent, well spoken, witty, comical and genuinely fun individual. you were so charismatic, it took me by surprise and I couldn't think straight. Remember when I asked you how to spell your last name? "S-T----S, single."

"So only one S then?" said me. Good times. (Check out the next boi magazine for a special shot out)

My long winded point is, I thought you were beautiful. What I have seen of you here, makes me think you are even moreso. And when we sorta met, you were sitting down. I didn't see your physique, your waist line, or the curvature of your back that you find so uncomforting, and I didn't care. There are some of us who choose to see a man, for the man, and not the physical representation of his manliness, which frankly, can be altered.

Yet I realize I'm no one special. Who cares what I think really? But those are my thoughts, for what it's worth.

Good luck tomorrow, Mr. One S, and please be well.

Homer said...

As someone who just had surgery last week, all I can say is ouch! I know three men who had love handle liposuction, all were pleased with the results afterwards. Would I do something similar, probably not. Personally I think the quest for body perfection by gay men has gotten just a tad out of hand.

just call me jeff said...

I totally support your decision, Jake. You were beautiful before; you'll be beautiful after. Sexy, smart, the whole package -- that will never change. Now, however, I fear that you'll reject me for my own love handles : (

Will there still be time for the rest of us mere mortals when you're fighting off the hotties with a stick? Please don't forget the little (but not 30-inch waist) people. We loved you first!!


Derek said...

Man repellent? I think I saw a comment somewhere up there that said "That's not what's keeping men away" Almost reads to me like "Honey does this dress make me look fat?" "No you make you look fat" In this case "Do my flanks repel men?" "No you repel men" JUST KIDDING OF COURSE! :-)

I don't know why people make it their personal business as to whether someone should have "Work Done" or not. Who cares? How is it different than doing something like . . . Buying a nice shirt or a nice pair of sunglasses? It's to enhance your appearance (or at least enhance your perceived appearance) so what does it matter? Doesn't hurt anyone.

Plus you've done this the smart way. Make payments towards a major purcahse BEFORE you make the major purchase. Even smarter was the 0% line of credit so you can make your payments in small increments from your existing lipo fund.

You looked fine before based on what I've seen in pictures but this is for you. This is a little late since you've already appeared to have gone through with it but good luck anyway! :-)